Sunday, Nov. 24

I wrote this this past Sunday. I'm now putting it online. Partially so I don't lose it but partially so I can share it with whoever reads this.

I woke up at about 6:15 this morning. I couldn't hear anyone up, so I thought it was earlier until I looked at a clock. After I used the bathroom, I went and lay on my stomach and I started to pray. This is the first time I'm been able to pray in a long time. For the past few months, when I've wanted tp pray, I couldn't find words.

So I started to pray. I only remember a few key points to what I prayed. I told God that I realized that my whole identity was wrapped up in my work and taking care of Steven that I lost who I am. I don't know who Hannah is anymore. My identity has essentially been ripped away from me.

Then I told God that I'm afraid since I've been okay these last few days that I'd break down sometime soon. But I don't want that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm broken in a thousand tiny pieces.

And then I told Him that I don't know what to do next. I'm here now, but now what... I'm so scared because I don't know what to do. Then 2 Timothy 1:7 came to me. I couldn't remember the exact wording nor where it was in the Bible, so I asked Dad when he woke up. And then I read the amplified version, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."

Now there's the obvious link there, but I want to also point out that the last month or two, I have suffered from depression and almost daily panic attacks, which made it beyond difficult to make a decision or to be calm. So that verse = double wammy.

Then I go to RWOC with my mom and dad. We sang a song in worship with a line that said "You are my everything." And I realized that everything includes my identity, which I am missing. I search for God and I find my identity, my strength, and my peace.

Pastor Brandon then got up with a word about peace. Peace comes from the Hebrew Shalom, which also encompasses the concept of being whole, not being in pieces. God gives us peace, Shalom, beyond all understanding.

Then Pastor Ron got us and his message boiled down to:
a) Man was made in God's image and was right below God.
b) God spoke His world into existence, then gave Adam the dominion and glory (power) over everything in creation.
c) Sin took that away.
d) Jesus died on the cross for our sins and gave us dominion and glory back.
Therefore, we have dominion over everything (finances, depression, etc.) and we have the glory (power) to shape our world with our words.

SOOOO

1) 2 Tim 1:7 - I have power, love, and a sound mind - no fear!
2) I search for God, He is my everything. In Him I find who I am!
3) God has given me peace beyond understanding. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. I am whole!
4) I can change my world with my words. I can take hold of my mountains and make them plains!