Give the Heart Permission to Dream

Hello lovelies. I've been struggling with what to write for a while. I was going to write a blog post about the pros (that everyone touts) and the cons (that no one warms about) of breastfeeding because I recently got over yet another plugged milk duct. But then yet another school shooting happened, and I felt it wasn't an appropriate time. I want to weigh in on that as well, but I don't know where to even start, so that may come after I've collected my thoughts.

And then yesterday happened.

Yesterday, Andrew and I were talking about our plans for the upcoming years. They mainly centered on what he wants to do, which is what started the conversation in the first place.  He has long-term goals and short-term plans to get there.

They are big and exciting plans and goals. They are a lot of hard work. And the beautiful thing is he didn't want to make me feel like my dreams have to be put completely on hold. He said that phase 2 (phase 1 was, ya know, graduating and getting a job teaching) can happen in the next year and that phase 3 will wait until I get the chance to pursue what I want to do as well.

But it got me down.

I needed a shower, and while in there, I realized something. Because, as we all know, deep thoughts come frequently in showers and on toilets. 

I felt like I had failed . Yes, I'm doing this mom thing now and that's amazing and I love my children. But I felt like I had failed myself. I felt like I had let down the people around me by not living up to my potential as my own person before I started popping out babies.

Andrew joined me, and of course he noticed I was bummed and asked me about it. And then asked me,"Well, what do you want to do?"

AND I DIDN'T KNOW.

All my life, I've heard that I can do anything I want to do. Which is mostly true, but not exactly practical. For example, I could be a doctor...but it isn't practical to completely start over my schooling, do that for 8 years, plus residency and internships....I'd be in my 40s. (Plus I have NO desire to be a doctor). 

So what is it that I want to do? Why don't I know? Didn't I used to dream of doing something exciting with my life?

When did I stop dreaming?

It's a startling thing to realize that your heart is no longer dreaming. I think I can pinpoint the time that it started, but I won't go into that right now.

So I stopped and really thought about what I would want my life to look like. I won't go into details on that right now because it may very well change in the next five or more years. But after some thought, I told him what I think I'd like to do. I thought it was probably ridiculous and there was NO WAY I'd ever be able to pursue at least part of it.

You know how he responded?

He encouraged me.

I told him I would be terrified to actually follow through. Because I am terrified of failing. I am the biggest chicken that ever learned to cluck.

And when did THAT happen? When did I become such a scaredy-cat? When did I start obsessing about all the negative what-ifs of every potential adventure instead of simply weighing them against all the positive what-ifs? 

I think it was about the time that I allowed my heart to stop dreaming.

And then, Andrew showed me this clip, which many of you are probably familiar with:

Basically, would I rather wake up when I'm old and regret that I never had the guts to try to follow my dreams? Or would I rather live, and potentially fail, but be able to say that I tried?

As much as I'm scared of failing, of hurting myself and/or my family from failing, I'd rather try. Especially since I have someone who loves me and is willing to encourage me along the way.