Being a Mother

I'm breathing a sigh of relief as both of my beautiful girls finally just went down for naps. This amount of quiet is rare, sweet music to my ears.

It's 2 pm.
I've been physically and mentally exhausted since before 11 am.
My ears have been crying for a moment of silence since before 11 am as well.
I somehow managed to burn a grilled cheese sandwich at lunch time, which, hello, is one of the easiest things to cook.
My girls have cried, eaten, laughed, bounced, played, talked, and been snuggled and kissed all day.

My heart is so full of love.
Yet I am exhausted.

Why? I used to have way more energy, even when I got less sleep. When I had work, theatre, family, and friends to keep up with, I felt so much better. I was sleepy, but I was never depleted.

My brother sent me this video a few weeks ago:

Something (okay all the things) that she said really resonated with me:

She says (before she had children), "Motherhood fulfilled me completely."

Guys, where along the line do we start hearing/thinking/believing that motherhood is fulfilling?!

News flash: if you enjoy doing anything that you can't drag tiny humans along with you and do, motherhood will not be fulfilling.

Instead, it will soak up all your time and energy (and *ehem* sanity). And when those crazy tiny humans (that you love so much that, sometimes, your heart physically aches when you see their sweet sleeping faces) are in bed, you're too tired to do anything.

So, yes, motherhood is not fulfilling and we need to stop believing that it should be. We were people before we popped babies out of our bodies. People with hobbies and quirks and personalities and, *gasp*, conversational skills! We don't just shed all of that when we have kids.

Okay, okay, some women do. I am not one of them. (Here's a secret: I actually miss going to work....even when work sucked).

While my kids are little, I'm going to soak up as many snuggles and giggles as I can. But when they're big enough to be in school, I'm going to celebrate. 

Now that that's been said, I have an announcement to make (no, before you start to wonder, I'm NOT pregnant).

I need to, as Andrew called it, "brainwash" myself. I find myself feeling very negative lately. I'm going to start trying to focus on the positive aspects of life. I may even write down at least one thing each day that I found enjoyment or beauty in.

(Side note: that 20 minute silence break has been broken. I'm pretty sure Amelia is teething and she's already woken back up. Sigh. Poor thing.)

Maybe I can make a weekly blog post just telling all my positive observations....what do you all think? Should I end the work week on that note and post it on Friday? Or should that be a way to start the week out thinking positively and post it on a Monday?

While I'm asking that, I'd like to ask for some updated feedback as well: would you all enjoy keeping this as a mom-blog, or would you like to see other topics (if other topics, feel free to let me know what you might like to see?

I think that's all for the day. It is incredibly difficult to type with this cutie patootie baby in my lap!

Pooping, and Other Things I Took for Granted

Yes, you read that right. Pooping. Everyone does it. Most people do it alone in their bathrooms. I, unfortunately do not have that luxury (and I miss it greatly).

Monday, as I was taking care of business, this way my view: 

Yeah, I take my phone in the bathroom. Let he without sin be the first to cast the stone, m'kay?

I've learned to kind of just laugh at my inability to use the bathroom alone when the kids are awake, it got me thinking about all the other things I took for granted that I could do before children.

1) As I already said: poop. And pee for that matter. 

2) Exercise without worrying that I'll accidentally hit/kick/step on one of my kids. I don't know if you know this, but kids have ZERO spacial awareness. So if I'm in the middle of, say, knee ups, the toddler could very well run up on me at full speed while my knee is coming up and get a knee to the face.

No, that hasn't happened. But we did have a similar situation coming up our steps where she decided to throw her head back right as Andrew's knee was coming up behind her. Her head ricocheted into the handrail. She had a knot on her forehead for a week.

Or the super active baby will either try to stand up using my leg or crawl under me while doing lunges.

Or the toddler will try to sit on my when I'm doing a plank (yeah, she HAS done that one).

3) Practicing dance. See the above description about kids and spacial awareness.

4) Reading in peace. I don't do this when the kids are awake. Like, ever.

5) Binge watching tv shows. I mean, I know I can still actually do this. But I can't do it without guilt for ignoring my kiddos. So I don't.

6) Cleaning. Yeah, that one's weird. I miss cleaning without having to stop every 2 minutes.

7) Nap. Or sleep in. Anytime I'm able. I got a nap the other day, guys! Those suckers are few and far between. Sure, I had things I needed and wanted to do. But as the baby woke up at 4:15 am, I didn't care about those things once my kids were asleep around 1:30. I just wanted and needed sleep.

8) Speaking of sleeping in: getting up and going in the morning. I used to wake up 30 minutes before I left (maybe 45) and shower, eat, and get ready. If I showered at night, I could get ready in 20 minutes or less. 

That is impossible now. Between Amelia needing to eat (20-30 minutes) and be changed, and a toddler who needs food and her butt wiped down, and needing to shower and feed myself, I have to get up way too early. Maybe once the kids are grown, that early necessity will become an early habit and I'll have a little extra productive time in the mornings, but I have my doubts (have I mentioned lately that I really like my sleep?)

9) Running errands alone. No need to get kids in and out of the car! Run as many errands as you can and be done! Hahaha not anymore. I basically refuse to go more than one place if I have to run any errands in the week. I'd rather not go through the buckling and unbuckling process a thousand times, especially in the winter.

10) Plugging things in outlets. Baby proofing is a pain. Any time I need to plug something in (battery charger, humidifier, vacuum cleaner), I have to first wiggle those obnoxious clear outlet plugs out of the wall first. But, I'm finding, it's necessary (more-so for toddlers than babies).

11) Doing anything social. Ever. There's a mom group on facebook that's trying to start a monthly meet up around 7 at night. Which is, ya know, great! I could do that since my kids are in bed by 7:30 at the latest! Except that, by the time they're in bed, I'm so completely and utterly exhausted and baby-food-stained that I don't feel like spending more energy to feel presentable enough to go in public and talk to people I don't know much of anything about.

Yes, I know that getting out and being social would be, like exercise, an energy and mood booster for me. I'm working on getting myself to the point that I can simply start. It's starting with being more social with the friends I already have. We had a friend over this past weekend, and a pretty chill friend at that, and I was so exhausted the next day, you would have thought I had driven myself and visited a ton of different people and been out all day.

So apparently, as with exercise, you have to work up the stamina for being social. My training regimen has begun!

Sorry, that was a side trail. Or, as my mother would say, "SQUIRREL!"

ANYWAYS, basically, there are things that I took for granted before I had kids that I didn't realize I was taking for granted.

If you don't have kids, especially if you want some in the future, ENJOY THESE THINGS NOW!!!

If you do have kids, you can laugh/cry at these things with me. We will get through this. It does get better. Kids eventually be able to feed and entertain themselves....and not try to stick random things in electrical outlets!