Hey guys! Man it's...uh....it's been a long while. A lot has happened! We found a house for rent that's closer to the school Andrew's at, moved, and found out we're having another baby (which most of you already knew)!
I could go into more detail about just about anything, but right now I want to talk about something that's weighing on my mind. And that is unintended toxicity.
Wait, what? Even though that probably sounds weird, we've all experienced it. It's when some well-meaning person says something that actually makes us feel worse.
A prime example for me is "Enjoy your babies; this time doesn't last long." (When I'm having a bad day with the kids)
Or "At least you can have babies." (When I'm complaining about the crappy parts of being pregnant.)
Or "At least you have a job." (When someone is complaining about a bad day at work.)
Or any number of things. I know I'm guilty of it too. Where does it stem from?
I think it comes from a desire to believe people are like us. Of course, we all have similarities. But we are NOT all the same. We do not all have the same preferences.
Most people like pizza. Some people like pineapple on pizza, others think it's the most disgusting thing to ever exist.
Most people think babies are cute. Some people enjoy snuggling the babies, others don't know what to do with a baby.
Most people think kids are fun. Some people enjoy playing with and teaching preschoolers, others only like it for short amounts of time or not at all.
Most people like having a steady income. Some people enjoy their jobs, others tolerate theirs.
Most people like having home cooked delicious meals. Some people enjoy the process of cooking, while others can barely boil pasta.
DO YOU GET MY POINT?!
We're all different.
As for me, I love my children dearly. But I am quickly finding that I typically have more patience with them around the 9 month - 2 year mark. I enjoy them as babies too, but am generally all over the place thanks to major sleep deprivation (it makes you CrAzY). After 2 years begins potty training, and then a major increase in the amount they talk and try to be independent. That is HARD for me. I hate potty training (it's finally completely over with Rin, thank God). I like talking to Rin, but I feel like my ears are going to start bleeding with the amount she talks some days. I want her to be an amazing, independent, intelligent human, but I get sick of her arguing about every possible thing.
That does not mean I don't love her. This is just not the stage of parenthood that I thrive in.
Part of that is my own selfishness. I like for my house to be somewhat neat, and for my kids to follow the rules. I like to sit and read on my own without being interrupted every few minutes. These things are practically impossible with a three year old! I also miss being able to do theatre, but rehearsals are usually at night, and I have to sleep. I miss having a life outside of my children.
I still love them. I still enjoy moments with them. But I am not required to enjoy trying to get my kid to eat the food I spent an hour making, or trying to brush her teeth when she hates it, or telling her 1000 times to stop doing something.
So when people say "Enjoy your babies, this time doesn't last long," I just want to respond with "I'm counting on it!"
So please, think before you speak. People are allowed to vent about the things they're struggling with in life. Most of the time, they just need to know that someone is listening and someone understands. Don't be an unintentionally toxic addition to the conversation.
Hey all! I know I've missed about two weeks of "happy log blogs," but that's mainly because I keep forgetting to write any notes down at the ends of my days. Normally, I would be upset with myself, but I'm not.
Part of why I'm not upset is that I've embraced that life with children is chaotic almost all the time. Adding one more thing on my list of things to constantly remember to do isn't something that needs doing.
Another reason is that I fulfilled my original intent. That quickly. My original intent of starting the "happy logs" was to see if I could change the way I thought and felt by changing my focus. You guys, it doesn't take long. Or, at least, it didn't for me. After about 3 weeks, I started noticing that I was feeling more positive throughout my days.
After I realized this, I started coming across this idea in more places. It was an idea I had already heard from church plenty of times. I'd seen (and read about) it in Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. If you've never seen it, here's a clip of that moment in the movie (please excuse the...I'm guessing German?...subtitles).
Then Rin checked out a book from the library called "Pete the Cat and His Magic Sunglasses." In this tale, Pete the Cat is in a grumpy mood. He comes across another animal, who gives him some sunglasses to help him see things in a whole new way. Pete puts on his sunglasses and the world looks awesome!
Eventually, Pete falls and the sunglasses crack. He doesn't know what to do! But an owl tells him, "Pete, you don't need magic sunglasses to see things in a new way. Just remember to look for the good in every day."
Needless to say, I'm definitely a fan of Pete the Cat now.
Then I came across a gem on Facebook that was someone talking about their therapist, who shot them with a nerf gun every time they started talking about themselves in a negative way (there is a tad bit on language in the first bit, but it's still great):
I feel like there was one more example of this somewhere, but it's just amazing to me that changing what we focus on and how we think and speak can affect how we actually feel.
Do I still get frustrated and angry and stressed?
I'm a mom of a 3 year old with exactly zero self-preservation skills and who never stops talking, as well as an almost 9 month old who doesn't speak actual words yet and keeps screaming (both when happy and upset) so shrilly, it feels like it's piercing my skull.
BUT I don't end all of my days feeling hopelessly depressed. I've actually been going to bed in a good mood for probably a week now. And I will most certainly consider that a great success.
Hello lovelies. I've been struggling with what to write for a while. I was going to write a blog post about the pros (that everyone touts) and the cons (that no one warms about) of breastfeeding because I recently got over yet another plugged milk duct. But then yet another school shooting happened, and I felt it wasn't an appropriate time. I want to weigh in on that as well, but I don't know where to even start, so that may come after I've collected my thoughts.
And then yesterday happened.
Yesterday, Andrew and I were talking about our plans for the upcoming years. They mainly centered on what he wants to do, which is what started the conversation in the first place. He has long-term goals and short-term plans to get there.
They are big and exciting plans and goals. They are a lot of hard work. And the beautiful thing is he didn't want to make me feel like my dreams have to be put completely on hold. He said that phase 2 (phase 1 was, ya know, graduating and getting a job teaching) can happen in the next year and that phase 3 will wait until I get the chance to pursue what I want to do as well.
But it got me down.
I needed a shower, and while in there, I realized something. Because, as we all know, deep thoughts come frequently in showers and on toilets.
I felt like I had failed . Yes, I'm doing this mom thing now and that's amazing and I love my children. But I felt like I had failed myself. I felt like I had let down the people around me by not living up to my potential as my own person before I started popping out babies.
Andrew joined me, and of course he noticed I was bummed and asked me about it. And then asked me,"Well, what do you want to do?"
AND I DIDN'T KNOW.
All my life, I've heard that I can do anything I want to do. Which is mostly true, but not exactly practical. For example, I could be a doctor...but it isn't practical to completely start over my schooling, do that for 8 years, plus residency and internships....I'd be in my 40s. (Plus I have NO desire to be a doctor).
So what is it that I want to do? Why don't I know? Didn't I used to dream of doing something exciting with my life?
When did I stop dreaming?
It's a startling thing to realize that your heart is no longer dreaming. I think I can pinpoint the time that it started, but I won't go into that right now.
So I stopped and really thought about what I would want my life to look like. I won't go into details on that right now because it may very well change in the next five or more years. But after some thought, I told him what I think I'd like to do. I thought it was probably ridiculous and there was NO WAY I'd ever be able to pursue at least part of it.
You know how he responded?
He encouraged me.
I told him I would be terrified to actually follow through. Because I am terrified of failing. I am the biggest chicken that ever learned to cluck.
And when did THAT happen? When did I become such a scaredy-cat? When did I start obsessing about all the negative what-ifs of every potential adventure instead of simply weighing them against all the positive what-ifs?
I think it was about the time that I allowed my heart to stop dreaming.
And then, Andrew showed me this clip, which many of you are probably familiar with:
Basically, would I rather wake up when I'm old and regret that I never had the guts to try to follow my dreams? Or would I rather live, and potentially fail, but be able to say that I tried?
As much as I'm scared of failing, of hurting myself and/or my family from failing, I'd rather try. Especially since I have someone who loves me and is willing to encourage me along the way.
This week has, obviously, had some really rough patches. But there have been a lot of wonderful moments as well. Without further ado: this week's happy log!
Sat 2/10 - We decided to do something different and try a new non-franchise restaurant for dinner. We ended up at Grits N Greens, which was about a 15 minute drive away. It was a much longer wait than we thought it would be, but the food was delicious!
Sun 2/11 - Oh my gosh I actually got to church almost on a time. I walked in to service only a minute late! Considering I'm still trying to figure this whole parenting and being places on time thing, I'll take that as a win!
Mon 2/12 - Andrew had a training day, which meant we got to have a late start since no one had to be anywhere until after 8! If you know me, you know I treasure my sleep.
Tues 2/13 - Happy 3rd birthday, Rin! I officially have a threenager, y'all, and she acts like it with how sassy and argumentative she is. For her birthday, she got some happy birthday videos and calls, a card (she called it her birthday book), a Pikachu bag, and a cupcake!
Wed 2/14 - Ah, Valentine's Day. My least favorite holiday ever. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a purely good day on this day. Today was no exception. The day ran late, dinner plans were messed up, and I got frustrated.
BUT! After we put the kids down, we took our pizza that we had gotten, heated ourselves some dinner, lit a candle, and had a peaceful candlelight dinner. And put on some Jack Johnson pandora radio to top off the mood. Valentine's Day was saved hahaha.
Thurs 2/15 - Another not so great day. But the weather was beautiful, I learned a new song on guitar (have I told everyone that I'm learning to play guitar yet?!), and I didn't have to cook dinner! Also, every time I sit down to practice guitar, this is what happens:
And we had a sweet moment with Rin. Andrew asked her to cuddle with Pikachu in her room while I got Amelia down for bed and he took care of some things, then shut her door so she wouldn't distract Amelia from sleep. I realized it had gotten really quiet in there. Went in after Amelia was down and saw this (no naps and lot of play makes for overly tired kiddos):
Fri 2/16 (today) - It is yet again an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day and I refused to stay in this morning.
I did something new with my hair before we headed out to the park!
I'm not going to lie. It took WAY too long to do my hair like this. And even though it's a little wonky, I wasn't about to spend more time taking it down and fixing it! I feel pretty, so whatever!
Amelia's first time on a swing! She was giggling and kicking her little legs and feet as hard as she could!
Rin was having a blast on the slides and then the swings. I asked if I could take her picture and she was fine with that. But she refused to smile while I did so. So even though she may look serious, I promise it's only because she wanted to try to keep the swing going by herself!
It has been one of those days. Rin turns THREE tomorrow (crazy, right?!).......and I'm about ready to take the gift we bought her back to the store.
Today, she has been:
bossy
demanding
whiney
irritable
mean
temperamental
I can handle those things. Sure, they may get on my nerves, but I don't generally lose my cool unless I'm just really having a bad day already.
So what is it that I don't handle well?
I don't handle my child screaming in my face.
I don't handle my child spitting at me.
Wait, Hannah, did I read that right? Sweet little Rin? Screaming and spitting at you?
YES! Yes, you did read that correctly.
You guys.
No. Just no.
I mean, how do you even RESPOND to that?! I don't....I react.
She got yelled at (gasp, I know, I yelled at my kid....in retrospect, that was dumb because I'm trying to teach her not to yell at me when she's upset, and I should lead by example....oops).
And she got all her favorite snuggles taken away. Every. Last. One of them.
I was only going to take away one thing. I gave her about ten chances to calm down. When she screamed and spat in my face the second...and then the third time....I was done.
And let's face it: as my brother said, nothing says "screw you kid" better than taking away all their crap.
Don't worry: she'll get it all back.............eventually.
And I'll do my best to let it all go by the time she gets up from her nap. Or by the time her birthday starts tomorrow.
You guys. I’m not even going to lie. I completely forgot about doing my next “happy log” until about 9 pm on Friday...which is around my bedtime.
And then yesterday, I forgot until about 8 pm, which is what time I was crawling into bed to try to catch up on some sleep (which, miraculously, worked!).
So I’m doing it now....sorry for the delay!
Last Saturday 2/3 - Our friend Jordan came down to visit for the day and we spent the day generally hanging out for the most part. At one point, Amelia was trying to eat my face, which I found hilarious at that moment.
Sunday 2/4 - I’m not going to lie. This was a really really bad day.
Monday 2/5 - Monday morning, I woke up and saw that the Eagles won (I’m not a huge football fan, but this still made me quite happy). I spent probably about an hour of my day catching up on some Super Bowl ads, the halftime show, and the national anthem.
Side trail about the halftime show: I’m a little disappointed in how little Justin Timberlake sang, and especially disappointed in how quiet his voice was compared to the music, but I thought the performance overall was entertaining and enjoyable to watch.
Side trail number 2 about the national anthem: OMG she sang that while getting over the flu?! She sounded great, especially as that is one hard song to sing.
Tuesday 2/6 - This day was the opposite of Sunday. Nothing particular happened, but it was just a very good and enjoyable day overall.
Wednesday 2/7 - I built a “dragon” out of blocks with Rin (it looked TERRIBLE), then read King Jack and the Dragon to her, replacing King Jack with Queen Rin, while she fought our dragon.
Later, when I picked Andrew up from work, he told me one of his students had seen me the previous day and came in that day to tell him, “Mr. Moffitt, your wife is really pretty!” The day she had seen me was a day that I was in a full on “mom uniform”: yoga pants, stretched out old shirt, ponytail, and no makeup. So yeah, that comment made me feel pretty fantastic.
I also got our bathrooms and kitchen clean, which is always nice afterwards.
Thursday 2/8 - I apparently forgot to write down anything for this day, but I think this is when I started feeling better. Plus I got everything dusted and vacuumed and de-cluttered. Score!
Friday 2/9 - Friday was a really good day! I took Rin to story time at the library and got her to actually participate some. I learned a new song on guitar. The only not good thing was that Rin and Amelia refused to take any afternoon naps, so they got a little on the cranky and tired side.
Since I’m only supposed to go Saturday to Friday or so, I’ll hold off on the rest for now. Next week, I think there may even be some pictures involved! Woohoo!
I got some feedback on my last blog (thank you to those who said anything!) and, as I said I would do, I'm going to do a blog every Friday with something positive from each day of that week (at least, I'm going to try to). I don't know that these posts will read coherently or not, but the purpose is to dedicate some time each week to focus on the positives.
Of course, the first week I would do this, our week would be the most stressful so far during the year, but I'm trying!
I think I'll lay it out as:
Day/Date - this is what happened, with maybe a bit of commentary.
Thurs 1/25 - Rin and I saw a beautiful sunrise and talked about the colors (pink, purple, blue, and peach).
Fri 1/26 - Two of the characters I use in a free little video game were improved in a game patch.
And we got pizza for dinner to make our lives a little easier.
Sat 1/27 - My best friend visited and we (okay, actually, she) decorated Amelia's room.
Sun 1/28 - Andrew was able to find my favorite ice cream at the store when I thought it was out (it was the 2nd to last one left, and had the wrong ice cream stocked in front of it).
Mon 1/29 - I got to nap. And got to have meaningful conversation with my brother, which helped me work through some things I was struggling with.
Tues 1/30 - I was a bad-A mom and got a ton of things clean in the apartment (you wouldn't be able to tell by seeing it now, but meh - that's what happens when a place is actually lived in).
Wed 1/31 - Rin ran back and forth through the living room laughing and singing the ABC's. We also ate some popcorn and watched part of Moana together.
*Side note (in case you were wondering what toddlers are like on a daily basis): Rin was perfectly sweet almost all day Wednesday. Then bath time came and she splashed enough water out of the tub to drown Munchkin Land. Then proceeded to shake her butt in the air after getting dried off, yelling the whole time "BUTTS! BUTTS! BUTTS! BUTTS! BUTTS!"
Thurs 2/1 - Oh hey new month! I made a tracker to track some of my good/bad habits (and to see how different areas of my life may or may not affect others). Rin got really excited to read some books with me.
Fri 2/2 (today) - Apparently, me making pterodactyl noises makes Amelia laugh (and who doesn't love baby giggles).
I'm breathing a sigh of relief as both of my beautiful girls finally just went down for naps. This amount of quiet is rare, sweet music to my ears.
It's 2 pm.
I've been physically and mentally exhausted since before 11 am.
My ears have been crying for a moment of silence since before 11 am as well.
I somehow managed to burn a grilled cheese sandwich at lunch time, which, hello, is one of the easiest things to cook.
My girls have cried, eaten, laughed, bounced, played, talked, and been snuggled and kissed all day.
My heart is so full of love.
Yet I am exhausted.
Why? I used to have way more energy, even when I got less sleep. When I had work, theatre, family, and friends to keep up with, I felt so much better. I was sleepy, but I was never depleted.
My brother sent me this video a few weeks ago:
Something (okay all the things) that she said really resonated with me:
She says (before she had children), "Motherhood fulfilled me completely."
Guys, where along the line do we start hearing/thinking/believing that motherhood is fulfilling?!
News flash: if you enjoy doing anything that you can't drag tiny humans along with you and do, motherhood will not be fulfilling.
Instead, it will soak up all your time and energy (and *ehem* sanity). And when those crazy tiny humans (that you love so much that, sometimes, your heart physically aches when you see their sweet sleeping faces) are in bed, you're too tired to do anything.
So, yes, motherhood is not fulfilling and we need to stop believing that it should be. We were people before we popped babies out of our bodies. People with hobbies and quirks and personalities and, *gasp*, conversational skills! We don't just shed all of that when we have kids.
Okay, okay, some women do. I am not one of them. (Here's a secret: I actually miss going to work....even when work sucked).
While my kids are little, I'm going to soak up as many snuggles and giggles as I can. But when they're big enough to be in school, I'm going to celebrate.
Now that that's been said, I have an announcement to make (no, before you start to wonder, I'm NOT pregnant).
I need to, as Andrew called it, "brainwash" myself. I find myself feeling very negative lately. I'm going to start trying to focus on the positive aspects of life. I may even write down at least one thing each day that I found enjoyment or beauty in.
(Side note: that 20 minute silence break has been broken. I'm pretty sure Amelia is teething and she's already woken back up. Sigh. Poor thing.)
Maybe I can make a weekly blog post just telling all my positive observations....what do you all think? Should I end the work week on that note and post it on Friday? Or should that be a way to start the week out thinking positively and post it on a Monday?
While I'm asking that, I'd like to ask for some updated feedback as well: would you all enjoy keeping this as a mom-blog, or would you like to see other topics (if other topics, feel free to let me know what you might like to see?
I think that's all for the day. It is incredibly difficult to type with this cutie patootie baby in my lap!
Yes, you read that right. Pooping. Everyone does it. Most people do it alone in their bathrooms. I, unfortunately do not have that luxury (and I miss it greatly).
Monday, as I was taking care of business, this way my view:
Yeah, I take my phone in the bathroom. Let he without sin be the first to cast the stone, m'kay?
I've learned to kind of just laugh at my inability to use the bathroom alone when the kids are awake, it got me thinking about all the other things I took for granted that I could do before children.
1) As I already said: poop. And pee for that matter.
2) Exercise without worrying that I'll accidentally hit/kick/step on one of my kids. I don't know if you know this, but kids have ZERO spacial awareness. So if I'm in the middle of, say, knee ups, the toddler could very well run up on me at full speed while my knee is coming up and get a knee to the face.
No, that hasn't happened. But we did have a similar situation coming up our steps where she decided to throw her head back right as Andrew's knee was coming up behind her. Her head ricocheted into the handrail. She had a knot on her forehead for a week.
Or the super active baby will either try to stand up using my leg or crawl under me while doing lunges.
Or the toddler will try to sit on my when I'm doing a plank (yeah, she HAS done that one).
3) Practicing dance. See the above description about kids and spacial awareness.
4) Reading in peace. I don't do this when the kids are awake. Like, ever.
5) Binge watching tv shows. I mean, I know I can still actually do this. But I can't do it without guilt for ignoring my kiddos. So I don't.
6) Cleaning. Yeah, that one's weird. I miss cleaning without having to stop every 2 minutes.
7) Nap. Or sleep in. Anytime I'm able. I got a nap the other day, guys! Those suckers are few and far between. Sure, I had things I needed and wanted to do. But as the baby woke up at 4:15 am, I didn't care about those things once my kids were asleep around 1:30. I just wanted and needed sleep.
8) Speaking of sleeping in: getting up and going in the morning. I used to wake up 30 minutes before I left (maybe 45) and shower, eat, and get ready. If I showered at night, I could get ready in 20 minutes or less.
That is impossible now. Between Amelia needing to eat (20-30 minutes) and be changed, and a toddler who needs food and her butt wiped down, and needing to shower and feed myself, I have to get up way too early. Maybe once the kids are grown, that early necessity will become an early habit and I'll have a little extra productive time in the mornings, but I have my doubts (have I mentioned lately that I really like my sleep?)
9) Running errands alone. No need to get kids in and out of the car! Run as many errands as you can and be done! Hahaha not anymore. I basically refuse to go more than one place if I have to run any errands in the week. I'd rather not go through the buckling and unbuckling process a thousand times, especially in the winter.
10) Plugging things in outlets. Baby proofing is a pain. Any time I need to plug something in (battery charger, humidifier, vacuum cleaner), I have to first wiggle those obnoxious clear outlet plugs out of the wall first. But, I'm finding, it's necessary (more-so for toddlers than babies).
11) Doing anything social. Ever. There's a mom group on facebook that's trying to start a monthly meet up around 7 at night. Which is, ya know, great! I could do that since my kids are in bed by 7:30 at the latest! Except that, by the time they're in bed, I'm so completely and utterly exhausted and baby-food-stained that I don't feel like spending more energy to feel presentable enough to go in public and talk to people I don't know much of anything about.
Yes, I know that getting out and being social would be, like exercise, an energy and mood booster for me. I'm working on getting myself to the point that I can simply start. It's starting with being more social with the friends I already have. We had a friend over this past weekend, and a pretty chill friend at that, and I was so exhausted the next day, you would have thought I had driven myself and visited a ton of different people and been out all day.
So apparently, as with exercise, you have to work up the stamina for being social. My training regimen has begun!
Sorry, that was a side trail. Or, as my mother would say, "SQUIRREL!"
ANYWAYS, basically, there are things that I took for granted before I had kids that I didn't realize I was taking for granted.
If you don't have kids, especially if you want some in the future, ENJOY THESE THINGS NOW!!!
If you do have kids, you can laugh/cry at these things with me. We will get through this. It does get better. Kids eventually be able to feed and entertain themselves....and not try to stick random things in electrical outlets!
This morning, I spent a little time just observing what is different here while I (finally) ate some breakfast and drank my coffee.
Rin can now go potty all by herself (and only needs help with the wiping after poo).
Amelia is crawling.
And sitting up by herself.
And trying her best to climb up to a standing position.
And starting to try eating baby food.
Didn't I just birth them?
Wasn't Rin just learning how to say various words instead of speaking in complete, if not exactly grammatically sound, sentences?
Wasn't I just fretting over how long potty training would take?
Wasn't I just having to trim the back of her hair to keep her from having a mullet?
Now, she's starting to sound like her father and I.
She tries to negotiate what foods she wants to eat.
She tries to "work" like we do on the computer.
She "drinks tea and coffee" like Mommy (she does NOT actually drink tea or coffee).
She wants to clean and cook and take care of her babies.
Didn't I just find out I was healed up from giving birth?
Wasn't I just crying in the middle of the night because I just wanted to get some sleep when Amelia was awake?
Wasn't she just incapable of holding her own head up?
Some days, I want time to slow down.
Let me hold my babies a little longer, give them just a few more snuggles.
Let me hug them and kiss away their boo-boos.
Let me sit them in my lap and comb and brush their hair.
Let me hold them on my chest while they sleep.
This is not all the time. In the big picture, I want them to be fully capable humans that can wipe their own butts and get their own food and groom their own bodies. I want to have fully understandable conversations with them about all the serious and fun things of life.
But sometimes, I just want things to slow down so I can hold my babies for just a little while longer.
Oh man, you guys. This topic is weighing heavily on my heart. I need to preface this by saying: I am NOT fishing for compliments or self-esteem boosters. I am simply sharing what has been on my mind.
I think back to my body before I had my babies:
I had energy.
I had life.
I didn’t look tired all the time.
My hair was manageable and either cut in a fun way or a feminine way, but almost always felt cute.
I wore natural makeup, or no makeup at all.
My face struggled with acne, but was manageable.
My tummy had a little extra layer of fluff, but I was healthy and in shape.
My clothes fit nicely for the most part.
I smiled a lot....
....My boobs were perky, y’all.
Fast forward to now.
I almost never have energy, and while I get more sleep than I generally did pre-babies, I am still exhausted.
I don’t know if I still have life shining from my eyes or, if I do, if it can be seen past the smudged glasses and the dark circles.
My hair is falling out and lays flat on my scalp. It looks neither fun nor feminine. The cut reminds me of a 90s grunge dude. That’s part of the reason it’s always pulled into a messy pony tail or bun (the other reason is to keep it out of my face or keep my kids from yanking on it).
I don’t have time or energy to put on makeup. The makeup I have is old and I don’t think it looks good on me.
My face will clear up for a week, then breakout like a teenager’s with painful bumps.
My tummy is nowhere near flat and I have more fluff than I’d like. It’s hard to sit and stand up straight because my core muscles are shot. I have stretch marks covering me from just above the belly button down and wrapping around my hips.
Most of my clothes look a little awkward on me. Either they fit in the boobs and show off my extra fluff or they look frumpy.
I probably look angry or upset a lot (I don’t mean to...)
And I have grandma boobs. (Andrew assures me that they’re mom boobs. But when you have to wear nursing bras, which have NO support, it’s hard to feel good about your boobs. Sagging boobs look like grandma boobs to me.)
Based on beauty standards of today, I am unattractive. This is kind of a hard pill to swallow. Like, if I’m out and about without my kids, would someone look at me and just see “mom”?
WHAT’S SO UGLY ABOUT BEING A MOTHER?!
Seriously. Let’s look at all the things I see about my body in a different light:
I’m carrying a baby and chasing a toddler around all day. Of course I’m exhausted. Of course I feel unfulfilled in certain areas. But I gave these kids life and I can either let them drain me of it or I can try to let them remind me of my own youth.
There is bound to be some sort of life behind these tired eyes. When in Wal-Mart, I look around and I see Bergens (go watch Trolls if you don’t understand that). And I refuse to be a Bergen.
Yeah, my hair looks like crap. But at least I have hair. And my oldest enjoys playing with it, while the youngest enjoys getting her fingers tangled in it and pulling it.
So my makeup is old and doesn’t look great? I have a husband who has always told me I look better without makeup. Getting comfortable in my own skin should include getting comfortable with my own face. Besides, makeup breaks my face out.
My face has flare ups? For the first time in my life, my face actually clears up!
My tummy isn’t flat. I carried two babies to term, one of which was a battle to carry that long. Those muscles took 18 months of organ rearranging and stretching to accommodate a human being. I’m not even 6 months postpartum. And it isn’t like women get physical therapy to regain core strength after pregnancy (though, honestly, maybe that should be routine medical care.....)
As for stretch marks, they’re my battle scars. I’ve always thought scars add to the story of who someone is.
My clothes don’t fit the best in the world. But my body has been rapidly changing over the last 4 years, so that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to wear baggy shirts, anyways.
I look upset a lot. It's usually due to frustration or concern for my child's safety. Or it's because people in public are generally terrible (seriously, is it THAT difficult to be aware and/or courteous?!) BUT I also smile and laugh a lot. And make really stupid faces (ask my daughter or my husband). And dance in the car like a dork.
As for my boobs, I'm proud of them. They nursed my first child for a year. I'm six months into nursing my second child. I can't justify $75 for a supportive nursing bra. So my boobs are just gonna have to look like grandma boobs while also being amazing at keeping a human being alive and healthily fed.
ALL OF THIS to say....I really want to say "Screw you, societal beauty standards!"
I can't, though. While I intellectually know that my body is beautiful in it's strength, I do miss feeling youthfully beautiful. I miss feeling feminine. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin.
My biggest help with getting through this? My husband still finds me attractive and reminds me often that this is just a phase of life. My toddler still grabs my head and kisses my cheeks and wants snuggles. My baby looks at me like I am the most wonderful and beautiful person in the entire world.
I will never look like I did before I had children. I don't want to. I just look forward to being comfortable in my own skin again (and maybe being a little less fluffy).
Mondays tend to be my hardest day of the week, and I know many people who can understand this sentiment. Most of these people work Monday-Friday jobs, which can be hard to go back to after a weekend.
Being a stay-at-home mom, I don’t have a paying job to drag myself back to. So why is this day so hard for me?
The simple answer? Because my husband goes back to work.
No, seriously. I’ve come to the conclusion that it messes with my kids. For a while I thought it was something I was doing (like, am I just a terrible mom?!), until I realized that the problems we have are almost ONLY, and ALWAYS, on Mondays.
So what is it that makes Mondays so rough?
The top thing that happens is that my kids refuse to cooperate with naps.
Normally, Amelia will nap around 9 or 9:30 for about an hour (maybe longer). On Mondays, I’m lucky if I can get her to go to sleep around 10. And if she sleeps more than 30 minutes, it’s a miracle.
This lack of a good morning naps makes her CRANKY. Because she’s cranky, I can barely put her down without her screaming like the entire world is ending. And I don’t mean she’s crying because babies cry. I mean SCREAMING to the point where it sounds like she’s gonna lose her voice (because that ‘s what would happen if an adult did that). So I’m constantly trying to keep her somewhat comforted.
(Just so y’all know, teething makes this 1000 times worse)
While I’m in the midst of that, I inevitably forget to make Rin go to the potty. And even if I do remember, she fights me tooth and nail on it, so a 1 minute activity takes at least 5 minutes to complete (all while she and her sister scream bloody murder). So there’s almost always a pee cleanup on Mondays. The rest of the week, using the potty is no big.
At least today, while I was trying to put Amelia down for a nap again, she had her accident in the bathroom when she was trying to get her pants down to use the potty...
And then there’s the fun of keeping Rin in an approved location while I feed her sister.
You see, on the weekends, she has almost free reign of the apartment, even when I’m feeding Amelia, because her daddy is here to keep her out of trouble. Not so during the week.
So I almost always fight with her on Mondays to keep her in her room while her sister eats so that A) Amelia doesn’t get distracted and B) she doesn’t get into something that she isn’t supposed to.
And then, of course, is the breaking of the rules. Because apparently, that girl forgets that this momma enforces the rules since daddy enforces them on the weekends (which gives me a breather).
It doesn’t help that Mondays are hard for me too. Because I, too, get used to Andrew being here over the weekend helping and miss him when he isn’t here. And I always manage to not get enough rest or not get coffee in the morning because I woke up late. I get cranky.
I get a case of the Mondays.
So, again, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mondays are rough because Andrew is at work. They get used to him enforcing the rules, and get used to not having to be cooped up in a room.
And we just plain miss him.
But, this too shall pass. Andrew will be home in the afternoon. The kids will sleep tonight, after hugs and kisses and snuggles. We will have our fun moments that will make me forget about the times I want to pull my hair out.
I just have to remember to breathe through the all the “Mondays” in life.
Hey you guys. I’m not going to lie. I could be doing any number of things right now since both my kiddos are miraculously down for naps at the same time for the first time in......I don’t even remember how long it’s been. I could be unloading the dishwasher, or cleaning out Rin’s nasty bath toys, or even catching a few z’s myself.
But I feel the need to get real.
I have struggled this week. I have felt like a failure of a mother.
I got mad at Amelia because she wouldn’t cooperate with eating or sleeping.
I got stressed out and frustrated that Amelia wouldn’t stop screaming in my face for no reason.
I got annoyed with Rin when she kept playing with things she wasn’t supposed to.
I got angry when she continually refused to answer a simple yes or no question (Do you need to pee?).
I failed to do anything educational with Rin, including reading her books (I’ve got some kind of sinus crud trying to happen and my voice has been in and out since Tuesday).
I let Rin watch WAY too many movies. Which means Amelia watched too.
We didn’t go play outside all week.
I failed to give my child vegetables most of the week.
I actually ended up asking my mother at one point “When do you stop almost constantly feeling like a crappy* mom?” *Edited for the lesser of “cuss words” in the US.
Her answer?
“I don’t know, there are days when I still feel that way”
And she’s been a mother for 32 years, y’all.
It’s moments like these that it is easy to get discouraged. Especially when it’s the kind of week where you think “I’m going to be better this week!” And then come down with the sinus crud and have to stay indoors and quiet. When I want desperately to be an excellent mother and wife and also work on my own faith.
But then I hear words like
“It’ll get easier!”
“Don’t be discouraged.”
“Be free.”
“You’re in a difficult season of life. Little folk need you to do things for them or they die.”
And I remember to take a deep breath and change perspectives. Change what I have control over and let go of what I don’t. And to remember that my children are just that: children. They view the world with excitement, curiousity, and just a little bit of fear. But they know that Mom is right there to run to if they need me. It’s sobering.
So I determined to make the most of the rest of my week.
I cleaned the bathrooms (hallelujah! The kids’ bathroom smelled like pee because hello potty training misses).
I tried my best to read a book to Rin and ended up coughing. But then listened to my wonderful husband read a book to her the past few nights when I wasn’t able and remembered that I’m not in this parenting thing alone.
I let Rin be a child and built a fort with/for her, then hung out in the fort while she pretended to cook me food.
I listened to Rin sing over half the ABC’s by herself and realized she’s retaining more than I realize.
Do I still feel terrible about staying inside all week and failing at the meal planning this week and not spending actual time doing learning or art activities and getting made when my kids don’t do exactly what I want when I want?
Absolutely.
But I am remembering to breathe and let loose my grip on life. To enjoy this time of being a child, but to also put my kids down and/or in their rooms and go take a few minutes of a breather when their needs overwhelm my own.
And now, Rin is awake again and informing that she is hungry (we JUST finished lunch less than an hour and a half ago, people. Growth spurt?), so I suppose I'm done for today. Much love to you all.
I actually started typing this blog yesterday morning. Then my child decided sneak into my bathroom, strip naked, and attempt to take a bath (exhibit A of toddler shenanigans). Twice. By the time I sat back down, the baby started crying. By the time I sat down AGAIN, I was too annoyed to think clearly enough to write, so I gave up.
So I'm sitting here with a (decaf, unfortunately) chai tea latte while both my children are miraculously-ish asleep. And I'm trying again.
Life has been crazy lately. It's a different crazy from the "oh I have so much to do" life. It's the crazy that can only come of being a stay-at-home wife to a teacher and mother to a toddler and an infant.It's the crazy that makes you want to pull your hair out with frustration and anger, do celebration dances over small victories, and cry because you love your kids with your entire being and are afraid you're doing everything wrong.
But let me tell you about those toddler shenanigans.
We already had exhibit A: toddler stripping down naked. Repeatedly. Girl likes her bath time. I'm just gonna lump another story into exhibit A. One day, I put her in her room (y'all, I can't let her roam the apartment while feeding Amelia...too many temptations!), but failed to put the gate up. By the time I got Amelia down for a nap, this happened:
Yes, I edited the picture because yes, she is butt naked in the baby bath. She had snuck into the bathroom, dragged it into her room, stripped completely down. When I walked in, she informed me that she was washing.
Exhibit B has to deal with why I said "miraculously-ish." Apparently, my child woke up sometime between 3:45 and 4:45 this morning. And didn't go back to sleep. I know this because she wasn't out of her room at 3:45. But when Andrew's alarm went off at 4:45, we saw her go back into her room.
I asked her this morning if she came out of her room. "Yes." "Where did you go?" "Mommy and Daddy room." "What were Mommy and Daddy doing?" "Oh. Sleeping."
Yeah. Okay. That's not creepy at all, kiddo.
Exhibit C of toddler shenanigans has to do with the joy of potty training. You guys, my body is on a schedule. I get up, shower, eat breakfast, feed Amelia, drink coffee on the way to drop Andrew off at work, then generally need to really go to the bathroom by the time I get back home. Before I go, I always take Rin to go potty so we don't have any issues.
Well, twice in about as many weeks, she insisted that she didn't need to potty. Screamed, cried, the whole nine yards. Part of the way through my using the bathroom, she started crying because she needed to poop. The first time this happened, she was gated in her room, and ended up pooping in her diaper. The second time, I was a little proud because she got herself on the potty. But then she GOT UP AND WALKED AROUND before I could come wipe her. Sigh.
Since then, this hasn't happened. Hooray! Because we've been potty training....
There is nothing that compares to potty training. It feels like torture. I feel like a broken record of "Do you need to go potty? We should try to go potty." All. Day. Long.
Exhibit D: One day last week, I told Rin we should try to go potty. She went in the bathroom, went in the linen closet, and peed. WHAT?! (Did I mention that sometimes, I want to pull my hair out?)
However! We have now had two and a half days with no potty accidents.
We had a celebration for starting to get potty training on Saturday night. We treated Miss Thang to a movie night. Amelia went down for the night after supper, we brought out Rin's fuzzy blanket and all the pillows in the apartment, laid on the floor, ate popcorn, and watched The Lion King. I even made her a "movie night coupon" that she earns by continuously using the potty. Woot!
Now, one of the downsides to potty training is you have to actually pay attention to bowel movements. I had been concerned with how long she would go without wanting to poop (including holding it in for fear of it hurting), so I finally took her to the doctor. Her colon was completely full, so she's having to do a cleanse. It's really gross. So this family has also upped it's fibrous food intake....
Which means I made some delicious whole-wheat pumpkin muffins (made with honey instead of sugar) that we all liked!!! Anyways...
And finally, exhibit D: the toddler tries to be like Mommy. She tries to help me clean, she "cooks," she takes care of her "babies," and even tries to wear her baby doll like Mommy wears Amelia:
She is a mess! But. Last but not least. She got a hair cut.
Before: a mess that tangled easily and was always in her eyes
After: I can see her eyes again. And I can comb her hair without a bajillion snags in it:
Well, that's all for the toddler shenanigans portion.
Other than that, I've just been taking care of myself, the apartment, and the baby. I finally hung all the pictures in our apartment. And got on a semi-regular cleaning schedule.
Kicked her socks off in her sleep. She takes after me.
I've gotten back onto doing yoga every day. Since I last spoke about my health journey, I fell off the exercise bandwagon. I finally found a regular time of day to squeeze in some yoga time, so yay! Also since then, Andrew and I have both cut down tremendously on our soda intake. Like, we drink less than one a day. And other than headaches, I believe our health has improved already!
I've also been Andrew's support the best I know how.
Being a teacher is crazy, y'all. I'm not going to say anymore than that. But you guys send him happy thoughts whenever you can!
Lastly in news, I turned 27! Woohoo! I totally did an unhealthy thing and ate WAY too much at my birthday dinner. And ate brownies. Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I hope you're all doing well!
Good morning, all! It's just before 5:30 as I start to write this....yes, I know that's crazy early for me, but I slept a solid seven hours, so it's pointless to go back to sleep. I'm so gonna need a nap later.
We're finally starting to get into the swing of things around here. Which means we're starting to have a little more fun. We haven't been to the park lately, but that's partly because the heat index has been ridiculously high (hello, triple digits). So Andrew and I finally decided to blow up the Minnie Mouse ball pit thing a family member bought Rin for Christmas.
Whoever bought that: while this thing is fun, we had to blow it up manually! In other words, we spent thirty minutes both blowing into the different sections of this thing. Why don't these things come with a pump?!
Seriously, though. If she manages to pull one of the plugs out, Andrew and I have both declared we are NOT blowing it back up.
Rin's hair was immediately pure static upon entry of her new toy.
As you can see, she was having a blast. She was giggling as I threw balls in at her. She was asking us to crawl in with her.
Andrew took it upon himself to see if he could crawl in it. Then discovered he could do so AND stick his head out the top and limbs out the side. Rin was laughing like crazy (let's face it...I was too).
And then, as any two year old would do, she tried to do what daddy did. She succeeded in getting her head to poke out the top, but then about collapsed the thing trying to pick it up.
Amelia, of course, has been content to sleep through all the fun. She's been doing well, as far as we can tell. She's starting to get a little more social. There have definitely been some coos and smiles. So far, she's actually a little more pleasant than Rin was at this age....or maybe we're just more experienced at getting babies to calm down now. Either way, I'm glad.
She doesn't sleep as long as Rin did at that age, but she's still getting some decent hours in on most nights. Which means I get some decent hours in at night. I don't wake up paranoid every thirty minutes like I did at first with Rin either.
A well-rested momma = a happier momma.
I'm also getting some decent hours in because I've been (say whaaaaaat) starting a health journey.
Now, I know I could just say I'm starting to get back into shape and eat better.
But that doesn't quite encompass what's happening.
Yes, getting back into shape and eating better are goals of mine. But I feel that calling it a health journey takes some of the perfectionist pressure off. It allows for the days that exercise just ain't gonna happen. Or the days that I slip and drink more caffeine than I should. Or the days that, dang it, I just need to eat some ice cream!
Because I've discovered that I'm one of those people that gets frustrated the moment I slip up. And then I want to give up because I can't stick with a regimen.
With a journey, there comes a sense of acknowledgement that there will be hick-ups and hard times as well as accomplishments and good times.
Take yesterday for example. Tuesday and Wednesday, I did well by doing the 30 day yoga challenge I started. Tuesday, I went for a walk. Yesterday, I did almost nothing. Instead, I spent my yoga time spending time with my husband. And I spent my walking time nursing a baby who was fighting sleep, taking a bath, and passing out myself.
AND THAT'S OKAY.
It's a process. One day, I'll be able to get my exercising in every day. Without injuring myself.
I must keep in mind that my body is still healing from being stretched beyond recognition for months.
That's why I'm starting with just yoga and walking. Walking because I get out of breath doing that at a brisk pace for a long period of time. And yoga to both ease into some strength training again and because it is a practice that allows graciousness to where I am with my body.
Also because it reminds me to breathe through discomfort (and who doesn't need THAT reminder).
I've also started taking it upon myself to learn more about food and how to eat healthily. I'm starting with a book a friend of mine has recommended often, as I've seen how much healthier she is from following the advice from said book.
There's a fair chance I may make some blog posts about what I learn in this book. It's partly for my own memory, but also because I just want you guys to be able to see my health journey as I go.
My health journey is also going to incorporate some spiritual health into it as well, as I'm reading my Bible, thinking about churches to visit, and starting a book my dad recommended called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.
My goal in doing all this is essentially a healthier, happier, stronger version of myself.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I've had my first night of eight hours of sleep, and a hot cup of coffee! And I can now tell you all about moving with a toddler and newborn.
Y'all, it's stressful.
Long story short, we drove back and forth between Boone and Gastonia a total of 5 or 6 times. It's between an hour and half and two and a half hours, depending on the traffic when going through Gastonia, Lenoir, Hickory, Blowing Rock, and Boone and if we have to make any potty breaks. For the most part, we were able to make it in the lesser amount of time.
Rin was restless from being in the car so much, so she kept getting into everything. She's also at that age when she really really really wanted to help....but her ability to do so was severely diminished quickly as there were a lot of things she had no business picking up (who knew households had so many large or breakable or poisonous to eat things?!).
Amelia did better, as all she really needs is naps, clean diapers, and boobs.
We have now gotten everything we use on a day-to-day basis unpacked and put away. We're still trying to figure out exactly where to put some things.
We're in the process of reteaching Rin her boundaries and rules, as it didn't translate over from the old apartment to here in her brain.
And we're in the process of figuring out where the heck everything is in this city. None of us has ever lived in a city this large. I constantly feel like a country bumpkin, as I was even a little overwhelmed at the sheer size of even the closest Walmart super center.
The other day, I was baby-wearing Amelia in a wrap while we all walked around a park. I've gotten some odd looks wearing her down here so far, but someone actually asked me at the park if I was from Romania...based solely on my wearing my baby! She apparently has a son who serves in Romania and they wear their babies wrapped on their fronts.
Also, my nerdy self went on an adventure the other day to find my closest public library. Lucky for me, it's the main branch and it's super close! I went ahead and got my library card and then just walked around, letting the feel of a library relax me. (As I said, NERD!)
So, while it's been a little stressful, we're finally starting to get the hang of things! We've got one more trip up to Boone this Wednesday for my 6-week postpartum checkup and to turn in the keys to the old apartment, and then any trips to the mountains will be purely for fun!
Whew. You guys. It's been a busy past....how long since I've written? Big things have happened since then. Like, ya know, having another baby.
Yep, most of you already knew this, but Miss Amelia made her appearance into this world 3 weeks ago today (well, once it hits 11:07 pm, it'll be exactly 3 weeks ago).
That day started out as many of my days had been starting out...with contractions. Again. For the bajillionth time. I went to my 39 week doctor's appointment, and one of my midwives asked if I'd like to induce labor since I had been in labor on and off for so long (and I was already dilated to basically 6 cm and almost fully effaced). So, we went for it. She told me I should be ready to be in the hospital by 4 that afternoon, and sure enough, we packed up our stuff and headed in.
We got there around 5 in the evening. My contractions had gone to about 3 minutes apart a few times, and were looking like they were going to peter off yet again when I had to sit still in the hospital bed for monitoring. It wasn't long after I got up and moving again that they picked back up.
I stayed on a birthing ball for about 3 hours, bouncing and breathing through contractions. The midwife on call checked to see how labor was progressing and I was already at over 9 cm! She asked what I wanted to do for pain management, since things were getting a little more intense.
And y'all, my decidedly non-brilliant self decided I wanted to try using hot water. The midwife warned me that that could speed up labor, but if I was up for it, that was fine. Suuuure I thought. I've made it this far. Surely it can't get too much worse. After all, I'm almost fully dilated.
Enter the puking stage. (Okay, okay, I only puked once. But it was terrible.) I got in the tub, and it helped the pain for the first maybe 3 contractions. Then I started cussing (again, sorry Mom). I vaguely remember wishing Andrew was over by the tub with me, but he was keeping my dad company for a little while, and I didn't know what he could do to help anyways. Mom was awesome and stood up for him when the midwife and nurse made a comment about having "man conversations" or some sort. I don't actually remember what was said, but I remember at least thinking "he doesn't know what to do to help me, and I don't know what to tell him I need."
Anyways, at some point, the pressure moved from feeling like I was going to pee myself to feeling more like I might have to start pushing soon. So out of the tub we got.
I couldn't walk.
I hugged the nurse, buck naked and all, and shuffled to the bed. And in my head, I started singing "Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But I'm all naked. Hug my anyways." If you don't know what song this refers to, this video's for you:
Now, the next bit was a blur. What I remember:
My dad left the room, as he was getting rather uncomfortable (can't blame him as I was making all sorts of ungodly sounds).
My mom asked if I wanted her to leave. I didn't.
My husband came over and started helping me by holding my hand (I think I twisted his arm into some awful positions....sorry!) and getting my water and keeping a cool cloth on me.
I was checked multiple times. And it was pissing me off, cause I was in enough pain without someone's hand up in me.
They brought in a birthing bar (which is a bar they attach to the hospital bed to help you while you try a squatting position) and made me squat and try to rock my hips back and forth. Because apparently, I was fully dilated except for the very very end of my cervix, which had just enough left to it that the baby's head was stuck.
I cried that I couldn't do it multiple times.
Andrew and my mom kept replying that I really really could do it.
I desperately wanted an epidural. I had been wanting one, but thought I was too far along to ask, so I hadn't asked. I should've just freakin asked.
Andrew needed to either go get the cloth cool again or go to my other side, and I was suddenly terrified he was going to leave. And I was so relieved when he was by my side again.
They lost the baby's heartbeat. So they had to bring in that probe thing to try to find it.
The baby's heart rate had dropped to 60 beats per minute. I knew that was really really bad.
Then I heard the midwife say we needed to get the doctor in there. And knew things were really bad.
I got to the point that I physically couldn't catch my breath, so they gave me the oxygen mask.
Someone, at some point, told me that just like I was getting tired and starting to not be able to labor well, the baby was also getting tired and not handling things well.
The doctor came in, and I swear, all I remember is they told me I needed to push and my baby needed me to push NOW. The doctor (I think) told me I NEEDED to push for my baby.
Some part of my brain kicked in to tell me to start pushing because I knew that if I didn't, I'd have to have an emergency cesarean in the best case scenario and worst case....well, I didn't even want to think about that.
I had at least 4 people yelling at me to push (and not, like, in a condescending way, but in an encouraging "you have to do this" kind of way). People were holding my legs up, and someone kept saying to push with my abs, not with my legs.
I yelled a lot. And screamed. The nurse to my right kept trying to tell me to use the energy coming from my mouth to push instead. I succeeded in that only part of the time.
I remember not realizing the head had come out until I felt a strange sensation that I somehow knew was the rest of the body coming out.
I remember being scared because I didn't hear crying yet, and a very distinct wave of relief when she started wailing.
And then I remember being mad because no one would hand me my baby yet. The rational part of my brain knew they had to made sure she was okay (I forgot that they to, ya know, make sure I was stable too). But the emotional part of me just kept thinking that someone needed to hand me my baby and let me hold her. They did, but it felt like it took forever.
Afterwards, my husband informed me that I kick like a mule and they had a hard time keeping my legs braced. And that it seemed like they were literally folding me into a pretzel.
The midwife let me know that they had to use a vacuum to assist the delivery. And that I was basically a unicorn. Because not only did I have a vacuum assisted delivery with no pain medication (which virtually never happens), on top of pushing nonstop (it was only for maybe 5 minutes, but I mean nonstop....like they didn't even give me time to catch my breath because it was so urgent)....I also had absolutely no tearing. Which is unheard of in a delivery like that.
Booyah.
Now, I have to admit that part of the reason I'm just now writing this blog is the fact that I'm just now able to recall all of this without feeling like I'm going to have a major panic attack.
Yes, the experience was that terrifying.
Yes, my body is having a hard time recuperating in some ways (ever heard of uterine prolapse? I hadn't until my 2-week postpartum checkup, where I learned that that's what I was experiencing. Look it up or ask me if you really wanna know).
No, I never want to experience un-medicated childbirth ever again.
But y'all. I have a beautiful baby girl to show for it.
Posts
