The More Intense Scare

As many of you know, I went to the hospital early last week for some preterm labor symptoms. Many of you also are aware that I went back later in the week, and that my experience that time was WAY more involved, and a little bit terrifying. As a head's up, I probably do not remember everything that happened. And I'm still exhausted, as I probably will be for the remainder of this pregnancy, so I sincerely apologize if anything I say here isn't the most coherent.

So here's the nitty gritty:

Thursday morning, I started having contractions again. And they were worse than the ones on Monday. Not exactly painful, except a lot of cramping in my lower back, but they were definitely there. I chugged a bottle of water and laid down for close to an hour, which is what they tell you to do to make sure they aren't Braxton Hicks contractions, and it didn't help. So, I called the hospital and they told me to come in.

At this point, it was close to lunchtime so I knew I should go ahead and feed Rin, as well as myself. I also needed to pack at least enough to entertain Rin through the evening, as well as get her pack and play in the car so she could attempt to nap in the hospital for the first little while.

Trying to get ready, of course, was a nightmare. Between phone calls and text messages and trying to focus enough to get what I needed, I ended up stressing way more than necessary. So, I've decided that by the time I go into labor next, I'm going to have a system in place of who's telling who. And a rule of "I'll tell you what I can when I can. Don't ask questions!" (For those of you who know how I am when I'm stressed or busy, this shouldn't come as a surprise.)

Anyways, I got to the hospital. By the time I got Rin set up and myself changed into one of the gowns, my blood pressure was apparently quite high. The nurse decided to assume that was because I was obviously stressed, which I definitely appreciated. Fast forward some hours. Mama and Papa Catanese came to watch Rin until we knew better what was going to happen. Andrew got there when he could. I ended up having to have my cervix checked to find out I had gone from the 1-2 cm on Monday to 3 cm that afternoon. Since I was still having regular contractions, guess what that meant?!

I got shipped off to Winston Salem. Why? Watauga Medical Center does not have a NICU. Which is definitely understandable considering how relatively small a population it serves. Winston is the closest one.

So I had to be hooked up to an IV for starters. The first two times I was stuck, they hit a valve. By the third try, I was about to pass out/throw up. They thought it was anxiety.....it was just pain. I hate being stuck with a needle more than necessary and I absolutely loathe IV needles. They also drew blood to test my liver for any other signs that something was wrong since my blood pressure was high. I also got two shots. One in the back of my right arm (I think that was for starting to try and stop contractions), one in the muscle of my left arm (the first of two steroid shots to help Amelia's lungs develop quicker in case she made her appearance early). And they did the group B strep test.

The first 2 IV attempts. I look like someone wrapped their hand around it and squeezed still.

That's definitely bruised.

I got lots and lots of fluids going in the IV, as well as antibiotics. The liver screen came back clean, and I just got the news yesterday that my group B strep test came back negative as well. Mama and Papa took Rin with them and got some things to keep her for a few days for us. I cried like a baby when they left (and then had to explain to the nurses that I was only crying because this was the first time Rin's been away from both Andrew and I overnight). Andrew arranged a ride with a friend of ours (thanks again, Ryan!) since he wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance.

I got strapped into the gurney and taken down to the ambulance. The EMT workers were fantastic and one of my nurses rode in the back with me as well. By the time we got to Winston, though, my ribs and hips ached from having to lay flat. The EMT guy wanted to steal my super colorful owl bag....and then later my super colorful tennis shoes haha.

I honestly don't remember much about the rest of that night. I know I saw a ton of different people. They did an ultrasound after they got me into my room to see Amelia's position, which at the time, was transverse. So they had someone talk to me about C-sections. It was all fine and dandy information to have, but it's safe to say it freaked me out a bit in the long run. Plus, someone came in and took a vial of blood again (and did an awful job....I've never had blood being drawn hurt anywhere near that bad).

Saturday night. The one on the left is from the one blood draw that hurt. The one on the right is from the other 3.

This is from Monday morning. They still look really rough.

Friday, I had the most amazing nurse. I remember telling her that I assumed I wouldn't be able to get a shower, but asking if I could freshen up a little by washing my face and brushing my teeth. That was fine.

That morning was a lot of waiting, being monitored, and meeting different doctors. I got to talk to the NICU doctor, which was actually very comforting.

At some point, it got quiet enough for us to try to get some sleep. Of course, that's when all my emotions crashed down on me and I couldn't stop crying for a bit. I'd finally started calming down when a guy came in and said "Hey! I heard you were asking about taking a shower?!" in the happiest voice ever. Which immediately got my hopes up. He then proceeded to say, "Sorry, but you can't," and left. Enter a continuance of the emotional breakdown, only worse. Andrew was furious. I wish I had gotten that guy's name, because I would be calling to complain about how rude and incredibly disheartening that was.

Anyways, fast forward some. The contractions had finally slowed and become fairly irregular. I was checked again, and still hanging out at 3-3.5 cm. They decided to wheel me down to get another ultrasound, partially to check on Amelia's position, and partially to check on her development. Which meant I got to be unhooked from the IV pole and monitors for a while!

Amelia was head down in the ultrasound, developing well (already 4 lbs, 11 oz), and we got to see that she has a ton of hair. Heading back up to the room afterwards, my nurse (I'm telling you guys, she was awesome) asked me in a lowered voice if I'd still like to take a quick shower because she'd let me do that before hooking me back up to everything.

That shower felt amazing. And it made me feel human. And I'm still so grateful.

By the end of her shift (7 pm), she let me know that she was trying her best to convince the doctors to let me eat something solid. And that, as far as she was aware, they'd be coming in to give me the second steroid shot, then potentially moving me to the antepartum ward since my contractions were almost gone. If that was the case, I'd finally get to eat real food.

Sure enough, I got the second steroid shot (in the thigh this time...which is still sore), was unhooked from the IV pole, and transferred. CJ and Mama Catanese had brought Rin to visit, which made my heart soar, as well as some food, which made my tummy quite happy.

After they left, I got a little more food from the nurse's station and another shower to pass the hour I had before I knew someone would come in to check Amelia's heartbeat and give me my contraction medication. After they did that, I FINALLY got a solid chunk of sleep.

Saturday morning rolled around, and our biggest question was "When do we get to go home?" It took until 12:30/1 to get our answer. From the way the doctors and nurses were talking, it seemed I was going to have to stay another 24 hours at least for observation. Imagine our pleasant surprise when, after they checked to make sure I was still at 3.5 cm, they said we could go home! And that we didn't have to rush. We could shower, pack up, take a breather. We had the room for the rest of the day.

As you can probably imagine, we didn't take that long. I ate my lunch, was monitored one more time to make sure Amelia was happy and that I was indeed done having contractions, then we called my grandparents to come get us and take us home. I showered again while waiting (hospitals may be super clean, but they make me feel super gross), then we loaded up and headed back to Boone.

Overall, I'm glad to be still pregnant. However, I believe I had a needle poked in me 10 times in less than 36 hours (3 shots, 3 IV attempts, 4 blood draws), my cervix checked 4 times in 48 hours, and was on a liquid only diet for a little over 24 hours. I'm glad it's over. I'm tired of being touched by strangers.

The night we got home, we had a delicious dinner thanks to my grandparents (they took me to get food I had been craving). Andrew and I then spent the evening eating ice cream while watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them before passing out in our own bed.

Sunday morning, we went ahead and did laundry and (slowly, on my part) went grocery shopping. Miss Rin came home that afternoon and we were so happy to see her!

So, there you go! I probably missed some details, but that's the basic gist of our long and tiring, scary weekend. Thank you all for the well wishes and the prayers. It meant a lot to know we were on the minds of so many. As I said before, I'm still exhausted and trying to squeeze in as many cat naps as necessary so I can be as physically ready for Amelia to start her arrival process again.

And now, I'm going to go nap.

The Scare

Alrighty guys.

This is gonna be a fairly quick update.

The other night, I started feeling a bit nauseated. So I went to bed, thinking that I would feel better after some sleep, like I normally do. Well, I had to get up to go to the bathroom 4 times that night, as opposed to my usual one. Woke up yesterday morning still feeling nauseous, but with lower back aches added in (think "I've got to poop really bad" feeling, but without the poop). Before lunch, I started having what felt like PMS cramps.

I laid down after lunch, hoping these would go away with some rest. They did not. They got worse as the day went on and I ended up feeling contractions as well.

Soooo off to the hospital I went after we put Rin to bed last night.

They put the monitor on me to track my contractions. Sure enough, I was having one 30-45 seconds long every 3-4 minutes.

They tested my pee. It came back "crystal clear." (Doctor's words)

They checked to make sure I wasn't leaking any amniotic fluid. I wasn't.

So they checked to see if the contractions were causing any dilation.....

Uh-oh. Y'all, I apparently am dilated to between 1 and 2 centimeters. (In case you didn't know, they really don't like seeing ANY dilation at 33 weeks).

So they ran this cool test that I didn't even know existed. It's called a Fetal Fibronectin Test. Apparently, fetal fibronectin is a substance the body releases when labor is eminent (like, gonna happen in the next week or two). If the test comes back negative, it's 99.9% accurate.

Mine came back negative. Woohoo!!!

Which means, they're gonna keep an eye on things. And I'm to keep an eye on things and go get checked again if anything changes for the labor-y side of things. But I got to go home (at midnight...so I'm a lotta bit sleepy and looking forward to nap time today).

However, I am now under orders to drink lots and lots of water, to stay off of my feet as much as possible, and to lay on my left side when I can. My activities haven't necessarily been restricted, so I'm not exactly on bed rest.

So that's my fun little story. Here's to hoping and believing this baby is gonna stay corked up for at least another 3 weeks!

Learning to Breathe Again

Hello all! I'm back!

First off, you should all know that I'm still in the detox process (if you don't know what I mean, go back and read my last blog). And there's more that I've done or tried to do to help with the emotional side of it.

First off, I got a bunch of my remaining prenatal checkups (we're down to only 6 left now...8 weeks of pregnancy, give or take a bit!) switched around so I could see the midwife who delivered Rin a lot more. Which is awesome because it meant seeing someone I am comfortable voicing my concern over the emotional instability to. And saying in too many words that I felt like I needed help.

After listening to me about that approximately two weeks ago, she suggested I try an antidepressant/antianxiety medication. 

So I did. And it was awful. 

Now, I'm not here to bash these medications because I know that they can be very beneficial to people who need them.

But my experience? The first day, I took the full dose in the morning. And proceeded to puke my poor guts up. All. Day. Long. The funny part? I was feeling so mellow that I couldn't bring myself to CARE that I was so sick. I mean, I acknowledged that it was sucky, but just didn't care. 

I also noticed my jaw muscles trembling a lot. And I was crazy tired. So my midwife suggested I try to take it at night instead, and my dad suggested I only take half.

We were planning to visit home over spring break. Not wanting to risk being miserable, I decided not to take any medication until I got back. 

Yes, I had some rough moments while I was down, but they usually passed quickly, and I stopped having them for the remainder of the trip.

We got to enjoy the wonderful company and help of my best friend, CJ, and her mom, Mama Catanese (Nonni for Rin so she has a name to call her).

We got to see my brother and sister-in-law and my three silly nephews. The boys seemed ready and willing to play with Rin. And I got the chance to open up to my sister-in-law, who listened without judgement and gave me a book that helped her through these kinds of times (more on that in a bit).

And we got to see Andrew's family, minus his sister-in-law, who had to take the super puppy to training class, which is always a treat (even if I'm almost always exhausted by the time we get to visit).

By the time we got back to Boone, I was MUCH calmer. But I gave the medication one more try....

And it was worse. Threw up some more, dry mouth, the shakes, insomnia..... I decided not to take anymore. To me, those side effects, even if they DO go away eventually, are just not worth it.

I texted a friend of mine who does essential oils (actually, she does a lot more...go check her awesome blog) to see what would be pregnancy safe and beneficial for all that's going on. I already have one oil she suggested (lavender for its calming properties) and the other was super affordable (wild orange for its uplifting properties), so I'm just waiting on it to come in later this week.

I also enjoyed the rest of spring break spending time with the hubby, catching up on rest, and reading.

I already feel more relaxed because of all these things, plus reading the book I got and taking time to get back in touch with my spirituality.

The book is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It's a year long devotional, and each day takes maybe 5 minutes, but each day so far has provided a dose of "I needed that" that has left me feeling even more peaceful. It also has led me to want to read in my Bible at least a few minutes each day.

The last thing I've started doing is actually making an effort to look decent every morning. That means some mascara, doing something with my hair, and putting on real clothes. I even painted my nails the other day. For those of you who don't know me well, I typically don't do these kinds of things unless I'm going on a date (which is maybe once every few months). And I realized I felt so......not pretty on a regular basis. So, I'm making an effort.

So, long story short, I'm trying my darndest to remember how to breathe, and to find out what helps me keep calm and positive.

Part of that is remembering that I can't do it all, and that I need to accept (without guilt) that I simply need a lot of rest. (In fact, I told Andrew today that my priorities are keeping Rin safe, having food for us all to eat, taking care of myself, and doing just enough cleaning to keep away absolute filth.)

Thank you guys for continuing to stick with me through this journey of hormones, emotions, and mommyhood!

Time for a Detox

Hello all. I hope the weather where you are has been pleasant, as here, the days are starting to get warmer and sunnier (finally).

In my last post, I talked about the type of person I'd like to become. My first step in finding my way into that, I believe, is a detox.

Now, I know most of you probably think about a detox as a health fad diet type thing. And that may lead you to think "is that even SAFE to do while pregnant?!" And to be honest, I don't know. Because that isn't the type of detox I'm talking about.

I'm talking about an emotional detox. A social media detox. Yes, those two go hand in hand for me. The more negativity I hear and see, the more stressed and down I feel.

I'm also talking about an electronics detox.....but only partially there. I do still have to keep my phone handy and to look up recipes and (try to) keep up with this blog, along with various other things. I still enjoy winding down in the evening either watching a show or a movie on Netflix or playing Minecraft with the hubby (we know we're nerds....don't judge). And I love listening to music.

But I'm going to turn the volume all the way up on my phone and leave it in one predetermined place in the apartment. That way, I can hear if someone is trying to get in touch with me and I know where to grab it if I want to take a picture or a video.

I'm going to turn the computer on for very specific purposes, and for a set amount of time.

I'm going to stay off of Facebook, unless I write a blog and sign on to post it. I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay off...I just know it needs to happen. If you see something you think I'd enjoy, feel free to still post it to me; I just won't see it for a while. If you want me to see something right away, you can Facebook message it to me (I'll still  have that active) or email or text it to me.

I want to really enjoy this time with my family. This time while Andrew is almost done with school (only 17 days of student teaching left, if you count today). While Rin is still an only child. While I'm still able to get more than two hours of sleep at a time and aren't hearing the cries of a newborn.

I want to open my time back up, to stop being sucked into staring at a screen and watching the time disappear.

On top of all this, I want to calm my mind.

I haven't been taking care of my mental health. The result? I've been stressed, anxious, and depressed. I've been lashing out at those I love the most. I've not been able to sleep well. I've felt tightness creeping from my back to my shoulders and neck and around to my collar bones to the point that I start to feel like I can't breathe and my heart starts racing. I haven't been able to focus and I haven't been able to just relax and stop thinking so much.

I talked to Andrew about this around the same time that I read an article on the importance of doing things like meditating during pregnancy to reduce stress and worry. We talked; I told him I can't meditate because I can't get my brain to just be quiet. He suggested I find a way to calm my mind that works for me: listen to music (and really focus on it), take a bath, etc.

Yesterday, we went for a leisurely walk in the park to enjoy the sunshine and burn off some toddler energy. It wasn't until afterwards that I even realized: my brain was calm. Between the warm sun, all the people and children and dogs, the trees, the birds, the grass, and watching my husband and daughter interacting about everything she saw, my brain just went.....quiet. For the first time in months.

I found myself laughing and more willing to engage. I found myself able to focus. I was calm and happy, and stayed that way the rest of the evening.

If that is how meditation ends up making someone feel, then by all means, I'll meditate by taking walks outside as often as I need to. And I'll find some way to calm my mind when that's not an option.

So this is the start of my detox journey and my learning to calm my mind and get rid of all the stressful, worrisome, negative thoughts. And my learning to deal with normally stress-inducing thoughts (because there will always be something serious to think about) in a healthy, non-panicked way.

It's a process. I will go ahead and acknowledge that I will probably fail at this at least 50% of the time at first. Recognizing this now, though, will help me keep from getting discouraged and giving up on the days that I do fail. And slowly, I hope that number will start to fall, and I can be a less stressed, more mindful human being.

Discovering Who I Want to Be

Today's writing will be a little different. A little less family oriented, and a little more of me just thinking.

I've begun realizing the type of person I really want to be: strong, stable, and actively productive (as well as productively active).

I want to be spiritually strong, physically strong, mentally strong.

I want to be emotionally stable, which I believe will come along with the journey into strength.

I want to be able to end my days feeling fulfilled, like I've accomplished things other than simply surviving.

I want to be the type of person that either has a vegetable garden for my family, or who gets most of her produce from a farmer's market.

I want to be the type of person who can support friends and local businesses more than she does faceless corporations.

And I'm discovering that there's is a much greater depth to my need to create than I've ever known before.

I want to create a home for my family that is both aesthetically pleasing and emotionally welcoming.

I want to create dinners that have the potential to nourish the bodies and souls of my beautiful family.

I want to create dances that showcase originality and raw emotion.

I want to be on stage, giving life to a character from a script.

I want to complete creative projects. Both projects with the kids, but also projects that I've worked on by myself.

I want to be able to do all of these things, and be that type of person.

But there seems to be simply no way to accomplish this right now. Not with being pregnant. Not with a huge upcoming move. Not with the level of daily fatigue and exhaustion I'm experiencing.

Right now, I simply do not have the energy or attention span.

It's the thought that counts, though, right? I've acknowledged these wants and needs. The next step is making a plan on how I'm going to start my journey. Most of the journey will not start for at least three months, if not for longer.

But I vow to myself that I will get back to making sure I'm the type of person, wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend that I wish to be.

Welcome, Welcome

Welcome to the third trimester! I believe in my last blog, I might've accidentally said it would start next week. I didn't realize my mistake until a few days ago, and I apologize. I reached 28 weeks of pregnancy this past Tuesday!

And that's not all that's happened these past few weeks. They've been pretty full of exciting things. The least exciting of these? I scored two nursing bras on clearance for only three bucks.

Side tangent: WHY DO THEY NOT MAKE NURSING BRAS FOR SMALL WOMEN WITH BIG BOOBS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable). But seriously, most of them are either for just generally large women or generally small women. How is a woman supposed to find one that supports them properly if no one makes them?! As Andrew said, maybe they do make them, but they're more on the custom order side....which means ridiculously expensive. Sigh. I hate bras.

Okay, tangent done.

So, with the welcome of the third trimester appears to be a continuance, and possibly worsening, of fatigue and the inability to sleep well.

What's the difference between fatigue and pregnancy fatigue? Well, with pregnancy fatigue, you feel the need to get more sleep at night....and then wish you could just be sleeping all day as well. Of course, starting to feel like I need a crane to help me turn over at night, and having to get up and pee constantly, doesn't help.

Today, for example. I suspected I'd sleep great last night. We went for an after-dinner walk for about an hour, which doesn't sound like much until you remember that I haven't been walking up and down hills all that often since it's been too cold or gross to be outside so I'm super out of shape...and carrying an extra load... I slept GREAT for about 5 hours, got up to go to the bathroom, and then couldn't get comfortable and felt like I couldn't breathe properly. So I tossed and turned for an hour before getting back up and getting on the couch. I dozed there until Andrew got up, got back in bed, and slept great for about twenty minutes. Add on top of that the fact that it's raining.

Long story short? I could sleep all day, waking up to eat only, and probably sleep tonight. Yawn.

The welcoming of the third trimester also means I got to take the lovely glucose test this past Monday. Somehow, I managed not to puke it up (seriously, even though this one tasted better than the one I had to drink with Rin, it's still super disgustingly sweet). But! I passed it! And my iron levels look really good! And Amelia moves a lot. And her heart rate is good.

In other news, Rin's two year checkup was yesterday and she did great. She's 34.5 inches tall (4.5 inches taller than half my height....she takes after her daddy) and 27.6 pounds. Her head is still huge, as is on par for the course for her.

Potty training is still happening, though with mixed success. It just depends on the day and how well she slept/how grumpy she is.

And in the most exciting news, Monday was Appalachian's education career fair. Andrew was offered an early contract. For those who don't know what that is:

Schools are not legally allowed to offer, and students not legally allowed to sign, a binding contract until the student has finished with student teaching and graduated, thus getting their legal license to teach. What they CAN do is offer an early, non-binding contract, that is a written agreement stating the school system's intent to hire the student as long as they graduate, and the student's intent to accept a position at that time.

Basically, it's the closest thing we can possibly have to having a guaranteed job! We know the school system (Gaston County), but don't know the school yet. There is plenty that is still up in the air and can change on us, but our plans are starting to move forward!

Well, Rin is currently watching Pooh bear and coloring on the couch, and it's snack time (even if she's not hungry, I am!), so this looks like the end of my update. I hope you're all doing well! Until next time! (And I apologize for not having any pictures this time around...I'll try to do better next time!)

A Semi-Simple Update

Wait.....it's already been almost a MONTH sine I last posted anything?!

(Head's up: Rin is WAY more active than these pictures would have you believe....most of the time, I can't get good pictures because she's moving too much!)

Not a lot has happened in that time, but a lot has been on my mind. So I'm sitting here, after finally having a toddler meltdown calmed down, lunch eaten, another meltdown calmed, the toddler down for a nap, and a slice of chocolate banana bread eaten, trying to decide what to write.

I think I'll do some updates for now.

Rin

As you probably know, Rin turned two last month. And it's obvious.

Today's aforementioned meltdown came about right after I put part of lunch on the table. I wouldn't be "nice" and let her play in the cabinets, so she laid in my lap while I sat on the floor and wailed and begged me to hold her (um, hey kid, I'm already holding you because you're IN MY LAP). For at least five minutes. I finally got her to realize she was indeed hungry, and we started on lunch. There was another momentary meltdown during lunch. And then nap time came. I held her for maybe five minutes and she kept indicating she wanted in her crib. I put her down and walk out the door. She starts crying. I ask what's wrong. "Mama hold?" Um. No. You kept trying to kick me and get down when I was holding you. And I'm sore. AH!

Oh, and did I tell you all she has THREE molars pushing through at the same time?!

Add on top of this the fact that she can now open doors, and wants to explore everything.

And we've renewed the attempts of potty training, using stickers as bribery. The first few days weren't great, but she's (mostly) getting better! I just hope it keeps getting better.

Andrew

Andrew now has less than two months left of student teaching (Just over 6 weeks, actually). Woohoo!

He has an interview next week, and two career fairs coming up. We still need to iron out what exactly we're looking for in a potential job and living area, other than preferring to be closer to home, but we keep procrastinating because, well, life.

Other than that, he's doing pretty well. And he finally got to feel Amelia moving!

Me

As for me, well, I'm doing alright. I haven't had any super intense crazy lady moments anymore. Only slightly crazy.

As of next week, I'll officially be in the third trimester.

I feel like a whale most days. I'm starting to have some insomnia kick in, though thankfully it isn't every night.

I'm sore a lot, but at least Amelia isn't just hunkering down in my lower pelvis QUITE as much as she was. When I say hunker, I mean that there for a few weeks, I felt like I has pulled a groin muscle. Not. Fun.

I'm also super prone to crying. Last night, I cried because I messed up cooking dinner. I had forgotten to pull the fish out to thaw (on top of forgetting to get juice and some spice we were out of that's essential to a meal we were supposed to do Monday, but got postponed to today), so it didn't sear properly and stuck to the pan worse than I've ever seen. Fortunately, Andrew reminded me that he forgot these things too and that it was okay. It didn't hurt that he also told me the fish still tasted good.

I went through a nesting phase last week where I deep cleaned and organized the bathroom and kitchen. Now, I have no energy to do such things, but my brain has decided to take over and think of all the things I'd like to organize and decorate when we move. Which is a little annoying because I can't do ANYTHING about that yet. Except maybe Pinterest.

And I'm thinking of all the packing that we have to start doing. It's really not THAT much, but with another baby on the way, it certainly feels like it.

By the way, does anyone have any recommendations for things to make packing more efficient? I got to thinking about things like winter and baby clothes....how well do those storage bags that you use a vacuum to suck out the air work?

And now that I've gone on a tangent, I suppose I should say that's the end of the updates!

As for any other thoughts, they may just need to wait until next time.