Learning to Breathe Again

Hello all! I'm back!

First off, you should all know that I'm still in the detox process (if you don't know what I mean, go back and read my last blog). And there's more that I've done or tried to do to help with the emotional side of it.

First off, I got a bunch of my remaining prenatal checkups (we're down to only 6 left now...8 weeks of pregnancy, give or take a bit!) switched around so I could see the midwife who delivered Rin a lot more. Which is awesome because it meant seeing someone I am comfortable voicing my concern over the emotional instability to. And saying in too many words that I felt like I needed help.

After listening to me about that approximately two weeks ago, she suggested I try an antidepressant/antianxiety medication. 

So I did. And it was awful. 

Now, I'm not here to bash these medications because I know that they can be very beneficial to people who need them.

But my experience? The first day, I took the full dose in the morning. And proceeded to puke my poor guts up. All. Day. Long. The funny part? I was feeling so mellow that I couldn't bring myself to CARE that I was so sick. I mean, I acknowledged that it was sucky, but just didn't care. 

I also noticed my jaw muscles trembling a lot. And I was crazy tired. So my midwife suggested I try to take it at night instead, and my dad suggested I only take half.

We were planning to visit home over spring break. Not wanting to risk being miserable, I decided not to take any medication until I got back. 

Yes, I had some rough moments while I was down, but they usually passed quickly, and I stopped having them for the remainder of the trip.

We got to enjoy the wonderful company and help of my best friend, CJ, and her mom, Mama Catanese (Nonni for Rin so she has a name to call her).

We got to see my brother and sister-in-law and my three silly nephews. The boys seemed ready and willing to play with Rin. And I got the chance to open up to my sister-in-law, who listened without judgement and gave me a book that helped her through these kinds of times (more on that in a bit).

And we got to see Andrew's family, minus his sister-in-law, who had to take the super puppy to training class, which is always a treat (even if I'm almost always exhausted by the time we get to visit).

By the time we got back to Boone, I was MUCH calmer. But I gave the medication one more try....

And it was worse. Threw up some more, dry mouth, the shakes, insomnia..... I decided not to take anymore. To me, those side effects, even if they DO go away eventually, are just not worth it.

I texted a friend of mine who does essential oils (actually, she does a lot more...go check her awesome blog) to see what would be pregnancy safe and beneficial for all that's going on. I already have one oil she suggested (lavender for its calming properties) and the other was super affordable (wild orange for its uplifting properties), so I'm just waiting on it to come in later this week.

I also enjoyed the rest of spring break spending time with the hubby, catching up on rest, and reading.

I already feel more relaxed because of all these things, plus reading the book I got and taking time to get back in touch with my spirituality.

The book is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It's a year long devotional, and each day takes maybe 5 minutes, but each day so far has provided a dose of "I needed that" that has left me feeling even more peaceful. It also has led me to want to read in my Bible at least a few minutes each day.

The last thing I've started doing is actually making an effort to look decent every morning. That means some mascara, doing something with my hair, and putting on real clothes. I even painted my nails the other day. For those of you who don't know me well, I typically don't do these kinds of things unless I'm going on a date (which is maybe once every few months). And I realized I felt so......not pretty on a regular basis. So, I'm making an effort.

So, long story short, I'm trying my darndest to remember how to breathe, and to find out what helps me keep calm and positive.

Part of that is remembering that I can't do it all, and that I need to accept (without guilt) that I simply need a lot of rest. (In fact, I told Andrew today that my priorities are keeping Rin safe, having food for us all to eat, taking care of myself, and doing just enough cleaning to keep away absolute filth.)

Thank you guys for continuing to stick with me through this journey of hormones, emotions, and mommyhood!

Time for a Detox

Hello all. I hope the weather where you are has been pleasant, as here, the days are starting to get warmer and sunnier (finally).

In my last post, I talked about the type of person I'd like to become. My first step in finding my way into that, I believe, is a detox.

Now, I know most of you probably think about a detox as a health fad diet type thing. And that may lead you to think "is that even SAFE to do while pregnant?!" And to be honest, I don't know. Because that isn't the type of detox I'm talking about.

I'm talking about an emotional detox. A social media detox. Yes, those two go hand in hand for me. The more negativity I hear and see, the more stressed and down I feel.

I'm also talking about an electronics detox.....but only partially there. I do still have to keep my phone handy and to look up recipes and (try to) keep up with this blog, along with various other things. I still enjoy winding down in the evening either watching a show or a movie on Netflix or playing Minecraft with the hubby (we know we're nerds....don't judge). And I love listening to music.

But I'm going to turn the volume all the way up on my phone and leave it in one predetermined place in the apartment. That way, I can hear if someone is trying to get in touch with me and I know where to grab it if I want to take a picture or a video.

I'm going to turn the computer on for very specific purposes, and for a set amount of time.

I'm going to stay off of Facebook, unless I write a blog and sign on to post it. I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay off...I just know it needs to happen. If you see something you think I'd enjoy, feel free to still post it to me; I just won't see it for a while. If you want me to see something right away, you can Facebook message it to me (I'll still  have that active) or email or text it to me.

I want to really enjoy this time with my family. This time while Andrew is almost done with school (only 17 days of student teaching left, if you count today). While Rin is still an only child. While I'm still able to get more than two hours of sleep at a time and aren't hearing the cries of a newborn.

I want to open my time back up, to stop being sucked into staring at a screen and watching the time disappear.

On top of all this, I want to calm my mind.

I haven't been taking care of my mental health. The result? I've been stressed, anxious, and depressed. I've been lashing out at those I love the most. I've not been able to sleep well. I've felt tightness creeping from my back to my shoulders and neck and around to my collar bones to the point that I start to feel like I can't breathe and my heart starts racing. I haven't been able to focus and I haven't been able to just relax and stop thinking so much.

I talked to Andrew about this around the same time that I read an article on the importance of doing things like meditating during pregnancy to reduce stress and worry. We talked; I told him I can't meditate because I can't get my brain to just be quiet. He suggested I find a way to calm my mind that works for me: listen to music (and really focus on it), take a bath, etc.

Yesterday, we went for a leisurely walk in the park to enjoy the sunshine and burn off some toddler energy. It wasn't until afterwards that I even realized: my brain was calm. Between the warm sun, all the people and children and dogs, the trees, the birds, the grass, and watching my husband and daughter interacting about everything she saw, my brain just went.....quiet. For the first time in months.

I found myself laughing and more willing to engage. I found myself able to focus. I was calm and happy, and stayed that way the rest of the evening.

If that is how meditation ends up making someone feel, then by all means, I'll meditate by taking walks outside as often as I need to. And I'll find some way to calm my mind when that's not an option.

So this is the start of my detox journey and my learning to calm my mind and get rid of all the stressful, worrisome, negative thoughts. And my learning to deal with normally stress-inducing thoughts (because there will always be something serious to think about) in a healthy, non-panicked way.

It's a process. I will go ahead and acknowledge that I will probably fail at this at least 50% of the time at first. Recognizing this now, though, will help me keep from getting discouraged and giving up on the days that I do fail. And slowly, I hope that number will start to fall, and I can be a less stressed, more mindful human being.

Discovering Who I Want to Be

Today's writing will be a little different. A little less family oriented, and a little more of me just thinking.

I've begun realizing the type of person I really want to be: strong, stable, and actively productive (as well as productively active).

I want to be spiritually strong, physically strong, mentally strong.

I want to be emotionally stable, which I believe will come along with the journey into strength.

I want to be able to end my days feeling fulfilled, like I've accomplished things other than simply surviving.

I want to be the type of person that either has a vegetable garden for my family, or who gets most of her produce from a farmer's market.

I want to be the type of person who can support friends and local businesses more than she does faceless corporations.

And I'm discovering that there's is a much greater depth to my need to create than I've ever known before.

I want to create a home for my family that is both aesthetically pleasing and emotionally welcoming.

I want to create dinners that have the potential to nourish the bodies and souls of my beautiful family.

I want to create dances that showcase originality and raw emotion.

I want to be on stage, giving life to a character from a script.

I want to complete creative projects. Both projects with the kids, but also projects that I've worked on by myself.

I want to be able to do all of these things, and be that type of person.

But there seems to be simply no way to accomplish this right now. Not with being pregnant. Not with a huge upcoming move. Not with the level of daily fatigue and exhaustion I'm experiencing.

Right now, I simply do not have the energy or attention span.

It's the thought that counts, though, right? I've acknowledged these wants and needs. The next step is making a plan on how I'm going to start my journey. Most of the journey will not start for at least three months, if not for longer.

But I vow to myself that I will get back to making sure I'm the type of person, wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend that I wish to be.

Welcome, Welcome

Welcome to the third trimester! I believe in my last blog, I might've accidentally said it would start next week. I didn't realize my mistake until a few days ago, and I apologize. I reached 28 weeks of pregnancy this past Tuesday!

And that's not all that's happened these past few weeks. They've been pretty full of exciting things. The least exciting of these? I scored two nursing bras on clearance for only three bucks.

Side tangent: WHY DO THEY NOT MAKE NURSING BRAS FOR SMALL WOMEN WITH BIG BOOBS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable). But seriously, most of them are either for just generally large women or generally small women. How is a woman supposed to find one that supports them properly if no one makes them?! As Andrew said, maybe they do make them, but they're more on the custom order side....which means ridiculously expensive. Sigh. I hate bras.

Okay, tangent done.

So, with the welcome of the third trimester appears to be a continuance, and possibly worsening, of fatigue and the inability to sleep well.

What's the difference between fatigue and pregnancy fatigue? Well, with pregnancy fatigue, you feel the need to get more sleep at night....and then wish you could just be sleeping all day as well. Of course, starting to feel like I need a crane to help me turn over at night, and having to get up and pee constantly, doesn't help.

Today, for example. I suspected I'd sleep great last night. We went for an after-dinner walk for about an hour, which doesn't sound like much until you remember that I haven't been walking up and down hills all that often since it's been too cold or gross to be outside so I'm super out of shape...and carrying an extra load... I slept GREAT for about 5 hours, got up to go to the bathroom, and then couldn't get comfortable and felt like I couldn't breathe properly. So I tossed and turned for an hour before getting back up and getting on the couch. I dozed there until Andrew got up, got back in bed, and slept great for about twenty minutes. Add on top of that the fact that it's raining.

Long story short? I could sleep all day, waking up to eat only, and probably sleep tonight. Yawn.

The welcoming of the third trimester also means I got to take the lovely glucose test this past Monday. Somehow, I managed not to puke it up (seriously, even though this one tasted better than the one I had to drink with Rin, it's still super disgustingly sweet). But! I passed it! And my iron levels look really good! And Amelia moves a lot. And her heart rate is good.

In other news, Rin's two year checkup was yesterday and she did great. She's 34.5 inches tall (4.5 inches taller than half my height....she takes after her daddy) and 27.6 pounds. Her head is still huge, as is on par for the course for her.

Potty training is still happening, though with mixed success. It just depends on the day and how well she slept/how grumpy she is.

And in the most exciting news, Monday was Appalachian's education career fair. Andrew was offered an early contract. For those who don't know what that is:

Schools are not legally allowed to offer, and students not legally allowed to sign, a binding contract until the student has finished with student teaching and graduated, thus getting their legal license to teach. What they CAN do is offer an early, non-binding contract, that is a written agreement stating the school system's intent to hire the student as long as they graduate, and the student's intent to accept a position at that time.

Basically, it's the closest thing we can possibly have to having a guaranteed job! We know the school system (Gaston County), but don't know the school yet. There is plenty that is still up in the air and can change on us, but our plans are starting to move forward!

Well, Rin is currently watching Pooh bear and coloring on the couch, and it's snack time (even if she's not hungry, I am!), so this looks like the end of my update. I hope you're all doing well! Until next time! (And I apologize for not having any pictures this time around...I'll try to do better next time!)

A Semi-Simple Update

Wait.....it's already been almost a MONTH sine I last posted anything?!

(Head's up: Rin is WAY more active than these pictures would have you believe....most of the time, I can't get good pictures because she's moving too much!)

Not a lot has happened in that time, but a lot has been on my mind. So I'm sitting here, after finally having a toddler meltdown calmed down, lunch eaten, another meltdown calmed, the toddler down for a nap, and a slice of chocolate banana bread eaten, trying to decide what to write.

I think I'll do some updates for now.

Rin

As you probably know, Rin turned two last month. And it's obvious.

Today's aforementioned meltdown came about right after I put part of lunch on the table. I wouldn't be "nice" and let her play in the cabinets, so she laid in my lap while I sat on the floor and wailed and begged me to hold her (um, hey kid, I'm already holding you because you're IN MY LAP). For at least five minutes. I finally got her to realize she was indeed hungry, and we started on lunch. There was another momentary meltdown during lunch. And then nap time came. I held her for maybe five minutes and she kept indicating she wanted in her crib. I put her down and walk out the door. She starts crying. I ask what's wrong. "Mama hold?" Um. No. You kept trying to kick me and get down when I was holding you. And I'm sore. AH!

Oh, and did I tell you all she has THREE molars pushing through at the same time?!

Add on top of this the fact that she can now open doors, and wants to explore everything.

And we've renewed the attempts of potty training, using stickers as bribery. The first few days weren't great, but she's (mostly) getting better! I just hope it keeps getting better.

Andrew

Andrew now has less than two months left of student teaching (Just over 6 weeks, actually). Woohoo!

He has an interview next week, and two career fairs coming up. We still need to iron out what exactly we're looking for in a potential job and living area, other than preferring to be closer to home, but we keep procrastinating because, well, life.

Other than that, he's doing pretty well. And he finally got to feel Amelia moving!

Me

As for me, well, I'm doing alright. I haven't had any super intense crazy lady moments anymore. Only slightly crazy.

As of next week, I'll officially be in the third trimester.

I feel like a whale most days. I'm starting to have some insomnia kick in, though thankfully it isn't every night.

I'm sore a lot, but at least Amelia isn't just hunkering down in my lower pelvis QUITE as much as she was. When I say hunker, I mean that there for a few weeks, I felt like I has pulled a groin muscle. Not. Fun.

I'm also super prone to crying. Last night, I cried because I messed up cooking dinner. I had forgotten to pull the fish out to thaw (on top of forgetting to get juice and some spice we were out of that's essential to a meal we were supposed to do Monday, but got postponed to today), so it didn't sear properly and stuck to the pan worse than I've ever seen. Fortunately, Andrew reminded me that he forgot these things too and that it was okay. It didn't hurt that he also told me the fish still tasted good.

I went through a nesting phase last week where I deep cleaned and organized the bathroom and kitchen. Now, I have no energy to do such things, but my brain has decided to take over and think of all the things I'd like to organize and decorate when we move. Which is a little annoying because I can't do ANYTHING about that yet. Except maybe Pinterest.

And I'm thinking of all the packing that we have to start doing. It's really not THAT much, but with another baby on the way, it certainly feels like it.

By the way, does anyone have any recommendations for things to make packing more efficient? I got to thinking about things like winter and baby clothes....how well do those storage bags that you use a vacuum to suck out the air work?

And now that I've gone on a tangent, I suppose I should say that's the end of the updates!

As for any other thoughts, they may just need to wait until next time.

Parenting Through

You guys, I have to start by apologizing for it having been so long since I last posted. I said I would post last week, but obviously that did not happen. Why? Where have I been and what have I been doing that I couldn't take an hour at most to write?

Quite frankly, I've been home, struggling.

It started the day after Valentine's day, or two days after Rin turned two. I hit a brick wall. I had done some fun, easy crafts with Rin for the holiday. I had enlisted her help in making heart-shaped sugar cookies. I had planned on writing a cute, but not necessarily mushy, blog post showcasing all of this.

And then, I just.....stopped. I don't know if it was Mommy burnout, or pregnancy hormones, my own tendencies towards stress and depression, or a scary combination of all three. But I suddenly couldn't deal with anything.

I cried a lot. I yelled at my child way too much. I snapped at my husband. I tried so hard not to do these things, to hold myself together. And it felt like the harder I tried, the more out of control I felt.

I wanted out. I questioned my ability to be a mother. I questioned and picked apart every little decision I had ever made that brought me to this point in my life. And I cried some more.

It escalated the Friday night after Valentine's. I truly lost it. I was so angry at my toddler that I was shaking. I wanted to slap her. In the face, you guys. I barely had enough control not to. I also have an amazing husband who knows when he needs to step in and take over. (It has taken me so long to write this because I do not want anyone to think I do not love my child. Or to think I'm an awful person. I promise you that I absolutely love her and I am against violence.)

After this, I broke down in such intense sobs, I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I was so dizzy, I couldn't walk. Andrew calmed me down enough to get Rin to bed. And then I cried on Andrew for close to an hour.

I was ashamed. I was guilty. I was terrified of myself. Who was I? Where did this monster come from?

The next day, I took the day off. After a ton of hugs and kisses, I left to spend the day by myself. I went to a dance competition to enjoy being around creativity and art. I had lunch while reading one of my favorites of all time, Pride and Prejudice. I talked to my mom. I gradually started feeling like myself again.

I started to write about this last Monday, but I just couldn't yet. I took last week as a continuation of that healing, destressing, reflecting, and remembering who I am as a person, as well as a wife and mother.

It's been long enough now that I can see the good that came from a hard week.

I learned I need time away on a regular basis to reset and to just breathe. During Rin's nap time doesn't count since that's usually taken up by cleaning, projects, and/or some shut eye myself. I mean time out of the apartment with no one in tow. It makes me a better mother and wife. And I refuse to feel guilty about it (it helps that Andrew is on board with it too).

I was reminded that my husband truly loves me and is here for me. That can be hard to remember many times when I'm wrist deep in pee, poop, dishes, cooking, etc and he's up to his ears in school work. But it's true.

And finally, I learned how to parent through my own downfalls. How to parent through tears. How to parent through tantrums. How to parent through all the muck and learn from it, so I can continue to parent through and do it better.

And now, for some lighthearted, overdue pictures of my now two year old.

Arts and crafts

She's focused

Hearts we made (I ended up cutting off the excess paper)

Coloring in pinks, purples, and reds

I walked in to find her like this. She also had books under her butt.

Jeez, Mom, I'm trying to read.

Sprinkle time!

She got into it!

Valentine's cookies

Valentine's day snuggles

The Problem With Mind Over Matter

Hey everyone! It seems you all were as excited to find out about baby Amelia as I was (and still am)!

Just an update on my part: I've apparently been sick. I went to the doctor yesterday for my 20 week checkup (we're halfway there, whoop whoop!) and told her that I just generally haven't been feeling well.

I've had bad postnasal drip. I've been sneezing. I've been feeling more and more run down. And it's been going on at least two weeks now.

So, she suggested taking an antibiotic since I wasn't getting any better on my own. Y'all, I hate taking antibiotics. But I hate her other options (claritin or mucinex) more because they dry me out and give me "medicine head." And I DEFINITELY hate being sick more. So, hello Z-pack.

Well, turns out she was right. I took my first dose after lunch yesterday. By this point, my sinuses were starting to throb and I felt awful (and I think it only hit me then because I had finally admitted I didn't feel well). By yesterday evening, I was starting to feel a little better. Last night, I was able to finally actually sleep. This morning, I'm still run down feeling, but I feel much more human again!

So good news, the medicine is working.

Bad news, that means I actually had some little nasties brewing in my system.

And THAT right there is the problem with mind over matter.

I refused to let myself be "sick."
I'm a mom; I don't have time for that.
I'm pregnant; I don't have time for that.
I'm running a house; I don't have time for that.

But, I should've realized I did, indeed, have time  for that.

Because I should've known. The signals were all there.

The postnasal drip that was so bad I was gagging on it almost all day.
The sneezing (and sneezing and sneezing).
The severe lack of energy.
The inability to get a good night's sleep.
The weepiness.
The painful acne breakouts (my acne is ONLY this painful when I'm getting sick).
The constantly being cold (even though I had no fever).
The lack of appetite.
The lack of motivation to do anything at all.

Now, a lot of these can be attributed simply to pregnancy. So, that's what I did. I refused to admit that I honestly and truly felt sick, and just blamed the hormones.

So, the moral of this story is: know your body. Listen to your body. Mind over matter can be a beautiful thing, but if you honestly do not feel well, don't be afraid to do something about it.

That way, you don't feel miserable for way longer than necessary.

Now that's out of the way, here's the update on my beautiful family:

For starters, Rin is, well, Rin. She's been taking care of her "babies" more and more. And been trying to help Mommy more and more (which sometimes works out nicely....other times, not so much: try cleaning with a toddler at your feet moving everything around and you'll understand).

Unfortunately, I have no adorable pictures this week. I've been a little busy trying to not fall on my own face.

As for Andrew, he's doing well. Student teaching seems to be going well, even if it's a little stressful.

And I just have to be mushy for a moment and say that I am so so so grateful to him.

We may have our bad moments, but he has been so forgiving and supportive for me these last few weeks.
He's held me in the middle of the night when I wake up from a nightmare (pregnancy nightmares are a b with a capital B) crying without asking for an explanation until I've calmed down enough to talk. He's held me when I'm crying for stupid reasons in the middle of the afternoon.
He's helped me with the dishes when I'm just too tired after the day to do anything else.
He's played with Rin when I'm too frustrated to deal anymore (and even when he just wanted to).
He's helped read bedtime stories.
He's cleaned up after me when I haven't had the energy to straighten up the apartment.

He has genuinely been my helpmate and my friend. And I couldn't do this whole Mom thing without him. (Granted, I also wouldn't BE a mom without him either hahahaha....sorry, I couldn't resist).

So, that's family life the past few weeks. I hope you all are doing well and staying healthy during this crazy weather (I know at least in NC, it's been crazy...60 degrees one day, 30 the next....ugh!). Much love! Until next time!