The Years Are Short

Where is the time going?

This morning, I spent a little time just observing what is different here while I (finally) ate some breakfast and drank my coffee.

Rin can now go potty all by herself (and only needs help with the wiping after poo).

Amelia is crawling.
And sitting up by herself.
And trying her best to climb up to a standing position.
And starting to try eating baby food.

Didn't I just birth them?

Wasn't Rin just learning how to say various words instead of speaking in complete, if not exactly grammatically sound, sentences?
Wasn't I just fretting over how long potty training would take?
Wasn't I just having to trim the back of her hair to keep her from having a mullet?

Now, she's starting to sound like her father and I.
She tries to negotiate what foods she wants to eat.
She tries to "work" like we do on the computer.
She "drinks tea and coffee" like Mommy (she does NOT actually drink tea or coffee).
She wants to clean and cook and take care of her babies.

Didn't I just find out I was healed up from giving birth?
Wasn't I just crying in the middle of the night because I just wanted to get some sleep when Amelia was awake?
Wasn't she just incapable of holding her own head up?

Some days, I want time to slow down.
Let me hold my babies a little longer, give them just a few more snuggles.
Let me hug them and kiss away their boo-boos.
Let me sit them in my lap and comb and brush their hair.
Let me hold them on my chest while they sleep.

This is not all the time. In the big picture, I want them to be fully capable humans that can wipe their own butts and get their own food and groom their own bodies. I want to have fully understandable conversations with them about all the serious and fun things of life.

But sometimes, I just want things to slow down so I can hold my babies for just a little while longer.

Post Baby Beauty

Oh man, you guys. This topic is weighing heavily on my heart. I need to preface this by saying: I am NOT fishing for compliments or self-esteem boosters. I am simply sharing what has been on my mind.

I think back to my body before I had my babies:
I had energy.
I had life.
I didn’t look tired all the time.
My hair was manageable and either cut in a fun way or a feminine way, but almost always felt cute.
I wore natural makeup, or no makeup at all.
My face struggled with acne, but was manageable.
My tummy had a little extra layer of fluff, but I was healthy and in shape.
My clothes fit nicely for the most part.
I smiled a lot....
....My boobs were perky, y’all.

Fast forward to now.
I almost never have energy, and while I get more sleep than I generally did pre-babies, I am still exhausted.
I don’t know if I still have life shining from my eyes or, if I do, if it can be seen past the smudged glasses and the dark circles.
My hair is falling out and lays flat on my scalp. It looks neither fun nor feminine. The cut reminds me of a 90s grunge dude. That’s part of the reason it’s always pulled into a messy pony tail or bun (the other reason is to keep it out of my face or keep my kids from yanking on it).
I don’t have time or energy to put on makeup. The makeup I have is old and I don’t think it looks good on me.
My face will clear up for a week, then breakout like a teenager’s with painful bumps.
My tummy is nowhere near flat and I have more fluff than I’d like. It’s hard to sit and stand up straight because my core muscles are shot. I have stretch marks covering me from just above the belly button down and wrapping around my hips.
Most of my clothes look a little awkward on me. Either they fit in the boobs and show off my extra fluff or they look frumpy.
I probably look angry or upset a lot (I don’t mean to...)
And I have grandma boobs. (Andrew assures me that they’re mom boobs. But when you have to wear nursing bras, which have NO support, it’s hard to feel good about your boobs. Sagging boobs look like grandma boobs to me.)

Based on beauty standards of today, I am unattractive. This is kind of a hard pill to swallow. Like, if I’m out and about without my kids, would someone look at me and just see “mom”?

WHAT’S SO UGLY ABOUT BEING A MOTHER?!

Seriously. Let’s look at all the things I see about my body in a different light:

I’m carrying a baby and chasing a toddler around all day. Of course I’m exhausted. Of course I feel unfulfilled in certain areas. But I gave these kids life and I can either let them drain me of it or I can try to let them remind me of my own youth.

There is bound to be some sort of life behind these tired eyes. When in Wal-Mart, I look around and I see Bergens (go watch Trolls if you don’t understand that). And I refuse to be a Bergen.

Yeah, my hair looks like crap. But at least I have hair. And my oldest enjoys playing with it, while the youngest enjoys getting her fingers tangled in it and pulling it.

So my makeup is old and doesn’t look great? I have a husband who has always told me I look better without makeup. Getting comfortable in my own skin should include getting comfortable with my own face. Besides, makeup breaks my face out.

My face has flare ups? For the first time in my life, my face actually clears up!

My tummy isn’t flat. I carried two babies to term, one of which was a battle to carry that long. Those muscles took 18 months of organ rearranging and stretching to accommodate a human being. I’m not even 6 months postpartum. And it isn’t like women get physical therapy to regain core strength after pregnancy (though, honestly, maybe that should be routine medical care.....)

As for stretch marks, they’re my battle scars. I’ve always thought scars add to the story of who someone is.

My clothes don’t fit the best in the world. But my body has been rapidly changing over the last 4 years, so that’s okay. Sometimes, I just need to wear baggy shirts, anyways.

I look upset a lot. It's usually due to frustration or concern for my child's safety. Or it's because people in public are generally terrible (seriously, is it THAT difficult to be aware and/or courteous?!) BUT I also smile and laugh a lot. And make really stupid faces (ask my daughter or my husband). And dance in the car like a dork.

As for my boobs, I'm proud of them. They nursed my first child for a year. I'm six months into nursing my second child. I can't justify $75 for a supportive nursing bra. So my boobs are just gonna have to look like grandma boobs while also being amazing at keeping a human being alive and healthily fed.

ALL OF THIS to say....I really want to say "Screw you, societal beauty standards!"

I can't, though. While I intellectually know that my body is beautiful in it's strength, I do miss feeling youthfully beautiful. I miss feeling feminine. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin.

My biggest help with getting through this? My husband still finds me attractive and reminds me often that this is just a phase of life. My toddler still grabs my head and kisses my cheeks and wants snuggles. My baby looks at me like I am the most wonderful and beautiful person in the entire world.

I will never look like I did before I had children. I don't want to. I just look forward to being comfortable in my own skin again (and maybe being a little less fluffy).

Case of the Mondays

Let’s talk Mondays.

Mondays tend to be my hardest day of the week, and I know many people who can understand this sentiment. Most of these people work Monday-Friday jobs, which can be hard to go back to after a weekend.

Being a stay-at-home mom, I don’t have a paying job to drag myself back to. So why is this day so hard for me?

The simple answer? Because my husband goes back to work.

No, seriously. I’ve come to the conclusion that it messes with my kids. For a while I thought it was something I was doing (like, am I just a terrible mom?!), until I realized that the problems we have are almost ONLY, and ALWAYS, on Mondays.

So what is it that makes Mondays so rough?

The top thing that happens is that my kids refuse to cooperate with naps.

Normally, Amelia will nap around 9 or 9:30 for about an hour (maybe longer). On Mondays, I’m lucky if I can get her to go to sleep around 10. And if she sleeps more than 30 minutes, it’s a miracle.

This lack of a good morning naps makes her CRANKY. Because she’s cranky, I can barely put her down without her screaming like the entire world is ending. And I don’t mean she’s crying because babies cry. I mean SCREAMING to the point where it sounds like she’s gonna lose her voice (because that ‘s what would happen if an adult did that). So I’m constantly trying to keep her somewhat comforted.

(Just so y’all know, teething makes this 1000 times worse)

While I’m in the midst of that, I inevitably forget to make Rin go to the potty. And even if I do remember, she fights me tooth and nail on it, so a 1 minute activity takes at least 5 minutes to complete (all while she and her sister scream bloody murder). So there’s almost always a pee cleanup on Mondays. The rest of the week, using the potty is no big.

At least today, while I was trying to put Amelia down for a nap again, she had her accident in the bathroom when she was trying to get her pants down to use the potty...

And then there’s the fun of keeping Rin in an approved location while I feed her sister.

You see, on the weekends, she has almost free reign of the apartment, even when I’m feeding Amelia, because her daddy is here to keep her out of trouble. Not so during the week.

So I almost always fight with her on Mondays to keep her in her room while her sister eats so that A) Amelia doesn’t get distracted and B) she doesn’t get into something that she isn’t supposed to.

And then, of course, is the breaking of the rules. Because apparently, that girl forgets that this momma enforces the rules since daddy enforces them on the weekends (which gives me a breather).

It doesn’t help that Mondays are hard for me too. Because I, too, get used to Andrew being here over the weekend helping and miss him when he isn’t here. And I always manage to not get enough rest or not get coffee in the morning because I woke up late. I get cranky.

I get a case of the Mondays.

So, again, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mondays are rough because Andrew is at work. They get used to him enforcing the rules, and get used to not having to be cooped up in a room.

And we just plain miss him.

But, this too shall pass. Andrew will be home in the afternoon. The kids will sleep tonight, after hugs and kisses and snuggles. We will have our fun moments that will make me forget about the times I want to pull my hair out.

I just have to remember to breathe through the all the “Mondays” in life.

Don't be Discouraged

Hey you guys. I’m not going to lie. I could be doing any number of things right now since both my kiddos are miraculously down for naps at the same time for the first time in......I don’t even remember how long it’s been. I could be unloading the dishwasher, or cleaning out Rin’s nasty bath toys, or even catching a few z’s myself.

But I feel the need to get real.

I have struggled this week. I have felt like a failure of a mother.

I got mad at Amelia because she wouldn’t cooperate with eating or sleeping.

I got stressed out and frustrated that Amelia wouldn’t stop screaming in my face for no reason.

I got annoyed with Rin when she kept playing with things she wasn’t supposed to.

I got angry when she continually refused to answer a simple yes or no question (Do you need to pee?).

I failed to do anything educational with Rin, including reading her books (I’ve got some kind of sinus crud trying to happen and my voice has been in and out since Tuesday).

I let Rin watch WAY too many movies. Which means Amelia watched too.

We didn’t go play outside all week.

I failed to give my child vegetables most of the week.

I actually ended up asking my mother at one point “When do you stop almost constantly feeling like a crappy* mom?” *Edited for the lesser of “cuss words” in the US.

Her answer?

“I don’t know, there are days when I still feel that way”

And she’s been a mother for 32 years, y’all.

It’s moments like these that it is easy to get discouraged. Especially when it’s the kind of week where you think “I’m going to be better this week!” And then come down with the sinus crud and have to stay indoors and quiet. When I want desperately to be an excellent mother and wife and also work on my own faith.

But then I hear words like

“It’ll get easier!”
“Don’t be discouraged.”
“Be free.”
“You’re in a difficult season of life. Little folk need you to do things for them or they die.”

And I remember to take a deep breath and change perspectives. Change what I have control over and let go of what I don’t. And to remember that my children are just that: children. They view the world with excitement, curiousity, and just a little bit of fear. But they know that Mom is right there to run to if they need me. It’s sobering.

So I determined to make the most of the rest of my week.

I cleaned the bathrooms (hallelujah! The kids’ bathroom smelled like pee because hello potty training misses).

I tried my best to read a book to Rin and ended up coughing. But then listened to my wonderful husband read a book to her the past few nights when I wasn’t able and remembered that I’m not in this parenting thing alone.

I let Rin be a child and built a fort with/for her, then hung out in the fort while she pretended to cook me food.

I listened to Rin sing over half the ABC’s by herself and realized she’s retaining more than I realize.

Do I still feel terrible about staying inside all week and failing at the meal planning this week and not spending actual time doing learning or art activities and getting made when my kids don’t do exactly what I want when I want?

Absolutely.

But I am remembering to breathe and let loose my grip on life. To enjoy this time of being a child, but to also put my kids down and/or in their rooms and go take a few minutes of a breather when their needs overwhelm my own.

And now, Rin is awake again and informing that she is hungry (we JUST finished lunch less than an hour and a half ago, people. Growth spurt?), so I suppose I'm done for today. Much love to you all.

Toddler Shenanigans and Turning 27

Hello all.

I actually started typing this blog yesterday morning. Then my child decided sneak into my bathroom, strip naked, and attempt to take a bath (exhibit A of toddler shenanigans). Twice. By the time I sat back down, the baby started crying. By the time I sat down AGAIN, I was too annoyed to think clearly enough to write, so I gave up.

So I'm sitting here with a (decaf, unfortunately) chai tea latte while both my children are miraculously-ish asleep. And I'm trying again.

Life has been crazy lately. It's a different crazy from the "oh I have so much to do" life. It's the crazy that can only come of being a stay-at-home wife to a teacher and mother to a toddler and an infant.It's the crazy that makes you want to pull your hair out with frustration and anger, do celebration dances over small victories, and cry because you love your kids with your entire being and are afraid you're doing everything wrong.

But let me tell you about those toddler shenanigans.

We already had exhibit A: toddler stripping down naked. Repeatedly. Girl likes her bath time. I'm just gonna lump another story into exhibit A. One day, I put her in her room (y'all, I can't let her roam the apartment while feeding Amelia...too many temptations!), but failed to put the gate up. By the time I got Amelia down for a nap, this happened:

Yes, I edited the picture because yes, she is butt naked in the baby bath. She had snuck into the bathroom, dragged it into her room, stripped completely down. When I walked in, she informed me that she was washing.

Exhibit B has to deal with why I said "miraculously-ish." Apparently, my child woke up sometime between 3:45 and 4:45 this morning. And didn't go back to sleep. I know this because she wasn't out of her room at 3:45. But when Andrew's alarm went off at 4:45, we saw her go back into her room.

I asked her this morning if she came out of her room. "Yes." "Where did you go?" "Mommy and Daddy room." "What were Mommy and Daddy doing?" "Oh. Sleeping."

Yeah. Okay. That's not creepy at all, kiddo.

Exhibit C of toddler shenanigans has to do with the joy of potty training. You guys, my body is on a schedule. I get up, shower, eat breakfast, feed Amelia, drink coffee on the way to drop Andrew off at work, then generally need to really go to the bathroom by the time I get back home. Before I go, I always take Rin to go potty so we don't have any issues.

Well, twice in about as many weeks, she insisted that she didn't need to potty. Screamed, cried, the whole nine yards. Part of the way through my using the bathroom, she started crying because she needed to poop. The first time this happened, she was gated in her room, and ended up pooping in her diaper. The second time, I was a little proud because she got herself on the potty. But then she GOT UP AND WALKED AROUND before I could come wipe her. Sigh.

Since then, this hasn't happened. Hooray! Because we've been potty training....

There is nothing that compares to potty training. It feels like torture. I feel like a broken record of "Do you need to go potty? We should try to go potty." All. Day. Long.

Exhibit D: One day last week, I told Rin we should try to go potty. She went in the bathroom, went in the linen closet, and peed. WHAT?! (Did I mention that sometimes, I want to pull my hair out?)

However! We have now had two and a half days with no potty accidents.

We had a celebration for starting to get potty training on Saturday night. We treated Miss Thang to a movie night. Amelia went down for the night after supper, we brought out Rin's fuzzy blanket and all the pillows in the apartment, laid on the floor, ate popcorn, and watched The Lion King. I even made her a "movie night coupon" that she earns by continuously using the potty. Woot!

Now, one of the downsides to potty training is you have to actually pay attention to bowel movements. I had been concerned with how long she would go without wanting to poop (including holding it in for fear of it hurting), so I finally took her to the doctor. Her colon was completely full, so she's having to do a cleanse. It's really gross. So this family has also upped it's fibrous food intake....

Which means I made some delicious whole-wheat pumpkin muffins (made with honey instead of sugar) that we all liked!!! Anyways...

And finally, exhibit D: the toddler tries to be like Mommy. She tries to help me clean, she "cooks," she takes care of her "babies," and even tries to wear her baby doll like Mommy wears Amelia:

She is a mess! But. Last but not least. She got a hair cut.

Before: a mess that tangled easily and was always in her eyes

After: I can see her eyes again. And I can comb her hair without a bajillion snags in it:

Well, that's all for the toddler shenanigans portion.

Other than that, I've just been taking care of myself, the apartment, and the baby. I finally hung all the pictures in our apartment. And got on a semi-regular cleaning schedule.

Kicked her socks off in her sleep. She takes after me.

I've gotten back onto doing yoga every day. Since I last spoke about my health journey, I fell off the exercise bandwagon. I finally found a regular time of day to squeeze in some yoga time, so yay! Also since then, Andrew and I have both cut down tremendously on our soda intake. Like, we drink less than one a day. And other than headaches, I believe our health has improved already!

I've also been Andrew's support the best I know how.

Being a teacher is crazy, y'all. I'm not going to say anymore than that. But you guys send him happy thoughts whenever you can!

Lastly in news, I turned 27! Woohoo! I totally did an unhealthy thing and ate WAY too much at my birthday dinner. And ate brownies. Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I hope you're all doing well!

A Healthy Journey

Good morning, all! It's just before 5:30 as I start to write this....yes, I know that's crazy early for me, but I slept a solid seven hours, so it's pointless to go back to sleep. I'm so gonna need a nap later.

We're finally starting to get into the swing of things around here. Which means we're starting to have a little more fun. We haven't been to the park lately, but that's partly because the heat index has been ridiculously high (hello, triple digits). So Andrew and I finally decided to blow up the Minnie Mouse ball pit thing a family member bought Rin for Christmas.

Whoever bought that: while this thing is fun, we had to blow it up manually! In other words, we spent thirty minutes both blowing into the different sections of this thing. Why don't these things come with a pump?!

Seriously, though. If she manages to pull one of the plugs out, Andrew and I have both declared we are NOT blowing it back up.

Rin's hair was immediately pure static upon entry of her new toy.

  As you can see, she was having a blast. She was giggling as I threw balls in at her. She was asking us to crawl in with her.

Andrew took it upon himself to see if he could crawl in it. Then discovered he could do so AND stick his head out the top and limbs out the side. Rin was laughing like crazy (let's face it...I was too).

 And then, as any two year old would do, she tried to do what daddy did. She succeeded in getting her head to poke out the top, but then about collapsed the thing trying to pick it up.

 Amelia, of course, has been content to sleep through all the fun. She's been doing well, as far as we can tell. She's starting to get a little more social. There have definitely been some coos and smiles. So far, she's actually a little more pleasant than Rin was at this age....or maybe we're just more experienced at getting babies to calm down now. Either way, I'm glad.

She doesn't sleep as long as Rin did at that age, but she's still getting some decent hours in on most nights. Which means I get some decent hours in at night. I don't wake up paranoid every thirty minutes like I did at first with Rin either.

A well-rested momma = a happier momma.

I'm also getting some decent hours in because I've been (say whaaaaaat) starting a health journey.

Now, I know I could just say I'm starting to get back into shape and eat better.

But that doesn't quite encompass what's happening.

Yes, getting back into shape and eating better are goals of mine. But I feel that calling it a health journey takes some of the perfectionist pressure off. It allows for the days that exercise just ain't gonna happen. Or the days that I slip and drink more caffeine than I should. Or the days that, dang it, I just need to eat some ice cream!

Because I've discovered that I'm one of those people that gets frustrated the moment I slip up. And then I want to give up because I can't stick with a regimen.

With a journey, there comes a sense of acknowledgement that there will be hick-ups and hard times as well as accomplishments and good times.

Take yesterday for example. Tuesday and Wednesday, I did well by doing the 30 day yoga challenge I started. Tuesday, I went for a walk. Yesterday, I did almost nothing. Instead, I spent my yoga time spending time with my husband. And I spent my walking time nursing a baby who was fighting sleep, taking a bath, and passing out myself.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

It's a process. One day, I'll be able to get my exercising in every day. Without injuring myself.

I must keep in mind that my body is still healing from being stretched beyond recognition for months.

That's why I'm starting with just yoga and walking. Walking because I get out of breath doing that at a brisk pace for a long period of time. And yoga to both ease into some strength training again and because it is a practice that allows graciousness to where I am with my body.

Also because it reminds me to breathe through discomfort (and who doesn't need THAT reminder).

I've also started taking it upon myself to learn more about food and how to eat healthily. I'm starting with a book a friend of mine has recommended often, as I've seen how much healthier she is from following the advice from said book.

There's a fair chance I may make some blog posts about what I learn in this book. It's partly for my own memory, but also because I just want you guys to be able to see my health journey as I go.

My health journey is also going to incorporate some spiritual health into it as well, as I'm reading my Bible, thinking about churches to visit, and starting a book my dad recommended called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

My goal in doing all this is essentially a healthier, happier, stronger version of myself.

Let the fun begin!

Greetings From Gastonia

Breathe in. Breathe out. I've had my first night of eight hours of sleep, and a hot cup of coffee! And I can now tell you all about moving with a toddler and newborn.

Y'all, it's stressful.

Long story short, we drove back and forth between Boone and Gastonia a total of 5 or 6 times. It's between an hour and half and two and a half hours, depending on the traffic when going through Gastonia, Lenoir, Hickory, Blowing Rock, and Boone and if we have to make any potty breaks. For the most part, we were able to make it in the lesser amount of time.

Rin was restless from being in the car so much, so she kept getting into everything. She's also at that age when she really really really wanted to help....but her ability to do so was severely diminished quickly as there were a lot of things she had no business picking up (who knew households had so many large or breakable or poisonous to eat things?!).

Amelia did better, as all she really needs is naps, clean diapers, and boobs.

We have now gotten everything we use on a day-to-day basis unpacked and put away. We're still trying to figure out exactly where to put some things.

We're in the process of reteaching Rin her boundaries and rules, as it didn't translate over from the old apartment to here in her brain.

And we're in the process of figuring out where the heck everything is in this city. None of us has ever lived in a city this large. I constantly feel like a country bumpkin, as I was even a little overwhelmed at the sheer size of even the closest Walmart super center.

The other day, I was baby-wearing Amelia in a wrap while we all walked around a park. I've gotten some odd looks wearing her down here so far, but someone actually asked me at the park if I was from Romania...based solely on my wearing my baby! She apparently has a son who serves in Romania and they wear their babies wrapped on their fronts.

Also, my nerdy self went on an adventure the other day to find my closest public library. Lucky for me, it's the main branch and it's super close! I went ahead and got my library card and then just walked around, letting the feel of a library relax me. (As I said, NERD!)

So, while it's been a little stressful, we're finally starting to get the hang of things! We've got one more trip up to Boone this Wednesday for my 6-week postpartum checkup and to turn in the keys to the old apartment, and then any trips to the mountains will be purely for fun!