"If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?"

Blog number 2 for class

I always have troubles trying to start a blog about something that completely pisses me off. When I rant, I usually start in the middle of the story since I'm usually talking to someone who knows everything that has been going on. However, with this, I know I need to start at the beginning. But where is the beginning?

Perhaps the beginning would be the beginning of this semester and the first book I read for my senior colloquium class. On the first day of class, I learned I would be helping tutor low-income children in Asheville, NC through the I Have a Dream Foundation. Before this, I knew that this foundation gives children a chance to go to college by paying their way if they graduate high school. I figured this was simply because the children, nor the parents, have any way of paying for it themselves. Little did I think, little did I know, and little do I still know about the real circumstances behind these children's lives.

Keep in mind, I never had any reason to think about what low-income children go through in school. I was raised by middle-class parents who have been together since marriage, grew up in church, lived in the country, went to decent schools out in the country, and my college experience is paid for, without too much strain on their financials, by my parents. I knew about places called “the ghetto,” but didn’t really understand the concept of low-income housing. When I moved to Asheville, I still didn’t understand the concept of low-income housing, despite these housing opportunities are scattered throughout (mostly) west-Asheville. I only began to learn when I started working at McDonald’s, where many of my coworkers used to or still live in either Pisgah View or Hillcrest Apartments. My knowledge of public housing deepened further when I started dating someone who lived in Pisgah View. I knew I was taught to be extremely cautious around areas like these when I was younger, but I didn’t know why until about a year ago. All I’ve heard about are fights, gun shots, muggings, murders, etc. The first good thing I’ve heard about that community is the I Have a Dream Foundation.

Without the knowledge that I have of low-income housing opportunities, Jonathan Kozol’s book The Shame of the Nation wouldn’t have affected me as much as it did. In fact, the state of public education Kozol preaches about probably wouldn’t make much sense to me. It may make me sad for some of these children, but my main reaction would either be along the lines of “Surely, things can’t be this bad” or “Why should I care?”

Kozol focuses mainly on inner-city schools in places like New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Massachusetts. His concern is that children of inner-city schools are deemed by the state “cheap children” because they come from low-income backgrounds. Because of this viewpoint, less is spent on these children’s education than children from higher-income families. It just so happens that most children in the decent schools that come from middle- and high-income neighborhoods are Caucasian. On the opposite end of the spectrum, it just so happens that most children in the schools that Kozol points out are either black or Hispanic. Because of this coincidence of the different races having unequal educational experiences, Kozol blames the majority of the problems on the racial aspect of the children.

I agree that no child should have to deal with rotting buildings, overcrowded classrooms, and standardized teaching (no teacher should have to either). However, I don’t think this can be blamed simply on the race of the children. The problems go back way farther than this. The problem most likely starts at the cycle of poverty that started back before the Civil War.

I’m sure you’ve all had a history lesson at some point in your life, but just so you can see it as I see it (and I’m sure my history and current politics needs much brushing up on, but this will hopefully at least get the point across): African-American slaves were brought over to America and bought by white people (not just in the south either). The slaves were freed thanks to good ole Abraham Lincoln. However, many of them had no place to go, so they stayed in a system called sharecropping, which isn’t much better than slavery. Fast forward through history. I’m not really sure how the concept of public housing was started, but they did start. People of low-income status, or poverty, went to public housing as an affordable option to live in. Those who tried to move to a suburban area soon found their white neighbors moving away because they were afraid that their property value would decline (or so they said). So that area would soon most likely become an area of public housing again. Getting out of poverty isn’t easy, especially when race is a factor that no one will admit is a factor.

Fast-forward to today and just imagine for a moment: your great-grandparents were in poverty, your grandparents were in poverty, your parents are in poverty, and now you as a child are in poverty. After generations of your family being in poverty, along with all the families around you being in poverty, and not having the education to get out, it isn’t hard to imagine why the crime rate would go up: people get desperate to feel better and to have more, even if they can’t achieve it by natural means. So they go to drugs and alcohol, which can easily lead to violence. They steal the things they want.

This reminds me of a little piece of Thomas More's Utopia, which I first heard mentioned in the movie Ever After. Fast-forward to approximately 6:30 on this clip:

The children of inner-city schools end up going to an institution in which they are treated as no different than anyone else. They came from poverty, they will stay in poverty. They have no special knowledge and no special talents. They barely get to learn the basic skills that most people in America deem necessary. Without a decent education, the likelihood that they will get a decent job is diminished, leaving them in poverty and low-income housing. It simply continues the cycle.

While I agree with Kozol that the state these schools are in is horrible to the children, I have to say that it’s also damaging to the society in which these children live. Also, the solution does not start within the school systems, but with the ways in which public housing and property taxes are set up. Perhaps if public housing is spread throughout middle- and high-income neighborhoods without the fear that the property value will go down, the children will be exposed to decent education, leading to decent jobs, which could lead to the ending of at least on poverty cycle.

How do you generate an elegance of earned self-togetherness so that you have a stick-to-it-ness in the face of the catastophic? - Cornel West

As I promised last post, I'm going to put my posts from my educational blog on here as well. That way, you can see more of what I'm up to.

Blog number 1 of the educational blog:

What better way to start out a post about the meaning of life than with a little bit of humor?

On a more serious and personal note, I grew up in church from the time I was born. I've heard people try to define the meaning of life as anything from doing good deeds to simply believing in God. Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, suggests that the purpose of life is to love God since He made us simply to love us. Some believe that there is no purpose to life. I have entertained this option and decided that if there is no purpose to life, I might as well go walk out onto a busy interstate and get killed by a car. Why not? 

I would hope that many would agree with me when I say that that's a depressing way to look at life. So I choose to have a purpose.

What other opinions are there on the meaning of life, though? It is a question that has lasted throughout all of life, I would imagine. Also, how do you find the meaning of life, if there is one? What questions do you have to ask? Who do you have to ask? Plato said, "The unexamined life in not worth living." So perhaps to find the meaning of life, you must start with examining your own life, as well as life around you.

In search of other opinions on this subject, I watched a movie called Examined Life. This film features several philosophers from around the world. They speak on giving life meaning, as well as many other issues that may come up as you examine your life.

The film starts out with Cornel West. However, I will save what he had to say until last, mainly since he was one of my favorite philosophers in this film. Next was Avital Ronell. I will start by saying that, out of all the philosophers featured, I had the hardest time following her train of though. She spoke in terms of the abstract, with little concrete evidence, however she did reference meaning in life the most. She said she is skeptical about meaning because she views meaning as a way of covering up the wounds of non-meaning. (As I said, she was the hardest to follow). The craving for meaning often leads to grasping for a belief in God, patriotism, or some other form of greater being than the individual self. She believes that if there is no meaning, you have to do more work to define your own ethics because you aren't following what someone else decided was right or wrong. She continues by saying that if you have a good conscious, you're not responsible and that the responsible being is the one who feels they've never been responsible enough.

This all leads well into what Peter Singer spoke about. He spoke about ethics as how a person chooses to spend their lives (a more concrete way of seeing how someone spends their lives is to look at what they spend money on - as well as what they don't - which is a principle I've heard many other places before). He uses this example:

He finishes by saying that we make our lives most meaningful when we contribute to important causes (such as sending money to organizations to help children). If we do this, we have made at least a small difference in life around us.

Kwame Anthony Appiah continues this thought by saying that we are in a virtual relationship with millions of people. His main approach to life is cosmopolitanism. He says that, in today's world, we will care about everyone . . . but only if they are like us. Cosmopolitans care about everyone, and it is perfectly okay for everyone to be different. That included behaving differently, having different beliefs, and having different morals.

I think Slavoj Zizek follows this up the best in his discussion of love. He says that love is not the idealization of another person. It is accepting their whole person with their stupidities. It is finding perfection in the imperfection. We should learn to love the world like this, with its imperfections. He thinks that meaning is a common ideology because meanings make catastrophes feel a little bit better. If there is a reason this happened, it has meaning, therefore there is a sort of silver lining around the catastrophe. This is an important ideology because nature is a big series of unimaginable catastrophes. Think about our biggest source of energy: oil. Oil is a reminder of the catastrophe that caused all those prehistoric creatures to die and be compressed over millions of years, thus creating our oil.

Speaking more on the terms of nature than of catastrophe, though, is Michael Hardt when he talks about human nature. He talks about the transformation of human nature being revolution. How do we change human nature, though, especially when so many just go through the day without paying much attention to what effect they have on the world?

Now, to talk about my favorite philosopher in this entire film: Cornel West. He asks the questions that really can get you thinking. What do you do once you start examining your life? What happens when you start interrogating yourself? What happens when you call into question assumptions that you've never questioned before? And begin to become a different kind of person?

Let me pause here to say that these are very relevant questions in at least my life. Especially the last one: what do I do if and when I begin to become a different kind of person because I start examining my life? Will I perhaps like myself better? How will others react? Will I be supported in any kind of changes I make to how I spend my time or my energy?

Cornel West introduced a quote to me which helped me face those worries. William Butler Yeats said, "It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on the battlefield." West continued to say that courage is the main virtue for any human being in the end.

So, with all this in mind, I suppose it is time for me to decide for myself what my purpose in life really is. I'm beginning to piece together perhaps all the different aspects of what my own purpose is, thanks to the help of philosophers I've never met. They give me more ideas to bounce around in my head in my process of graduating college and heading out into the world. This outta be fun.

And school starts back...

Well, today school has started back for me. I rented one book from the bookstore (it was actually cheaper there for once). I've gotten 5/9 books I ordered online. 2/4 of the rest of the books are scheduled to arrive today. One has been shipped, but I'm not sure when its scheduled to arrive. And guess what about the last one?! Amazon sent me an email that the company I ordered it from hasn't shipped it yet. I check my email, I have no email from that company. The fun part? I have to have it read for next week. Fortunately, my library had a copy and I have it checked out.

Also, being the anal dork that I am, I've already put due dates for the senior colloquium class into my calendar on my computer. Go me!

For that class, I'm required to do some blogging work. It shouldn't be too bad, and I may copy and paste what I write for that blog onto here so anyone who may be miraculously reading this can see what I'm learning (ha!). It may or may not be interesting to you.

The other class I'm taking is called Evil Genius. The only book for it?


You know its awesome.















Well, that's about it for now. Other than 2 bits of news:
1) I cleaned my entire house yesterday. Oh yeah. I felt awesome.
2) I'm going to be an auntie to 2 munchkins now instead of just 1! That's right - my sister-in-law is preggo again!

Well, its grocery shopping time for my boyfriend (<3) and I again. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary this past New Years, by the way. So I'm pretty darn happy.

So long for now.

Its Christmas

Hooray for Christmas...even though this blog isn't really about Christmas (I know: surprise, surprise, right?). I'm home for Christmas, which, while I love my family, its easy to get stressed about all kinds of issues.

Well, yesterday, I decided for funsies to use my dad's blood pressure reader. My bottom number was in the 80's twice yesterday, which is rather high. Great, right? That's the 3rd or 4th time my bottom number has been above where it needs to be. My dad explained to me that that means my heart isn't relaxing back like it should, which means my arteries or whatever are constricted. Causes you may ask? Stress, caffeine, they told me (I stuck my tongue out when he said I should probably cut out caffeine), and alcohol. Smoking (which they don't know I do - I don't do it very often), and birth control (I did a little research). Fun times, right?

So, step number 1 - stop smoking. Should be easy enough. Its how I had started calming myself down, which means I need to find a healthier technique for that.

Step number 2 - drink less. Apparently, women should have no more than 1 alcoholic drink a day. While I don't drink much, it wouldn't hurt to cut back even more.

Step number 3 - Start exercising again. I need to anyways for multiple reasons, but still. The thing about this is I have no idea how much is enough and how much is too much.

In hindsight, those steps aren't necessarily in order. So the rest probably won't be either.

Step 4 - try to cut back caffeine. Now, I like it way too much to cut it out completely, but I'll cut it down to 1-2 drinks a day. That's better than I do at home.

Step 5 - Learn stress management!!!!! I already know that's a huge issue for me. I was in the shower this morning and I could feel my heart rate and tenseness rising as I was thinking about things that stress me out.

At some point, I should also really learn to eat better. Less sodium and more fruits and veggies - that sorta thing.

I've discovered this website called helpguide.com and it has a lot, if not all, of these things on there.


Smoking
What it says that pertains to me:
"Managing unpleasant feelings such as stress, depression, loneliness, fear, and anxiety are some of the most common reasons why adults smoke. When you have a bad day, it can seem like your cigarettes are your only friend. Smoking can temporarily make feelings such as sadness, stress, anxiety, depression, and boredom evaporate into thin air. A much comfort as cigarettes provide, though, it's important to remember that there are healthier (and more effective) ways to keep unpleasant feelings in check. These may include exercising, meditating, using sensory relaxation strategies, and practicing simple breathing exercises."
Big ones for me? Stress and depression
Tips to deal:
"Stay active: Keep yourself distracted and occupied, go for walks.
Keep your hands/fingers busy
Keep your mind busy
Find an oral substitue
Drink lots of water: Flushing toxins from your body minimizes withdrawal symptoms and helps cravings pass faster."

Ok. Got it. Need to drink water, exercise, eat healthy snacks, and use a stress ball! And learn to cope with stress and depression.

Drinking
What it says that pertains to me:
"Common signs/symptoms of acohol abuse:
Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school because of your drinking.
...
Drinking as a way to relax or de-stress."
Again, there's a common theme. Stress.


Stress
"Stress warning signs/symptoms: The more you have, the closer you may be to stress overload.
Cognitive: memory problems, inability to concentrate, poor judgment, seeing only the negative, anxious or racing thoughts, constant worrying.
Emotional: moodiness, irritability or short temper, agitation, inability to relax, feeling overwhelmed, sense of loneliness and isolation, depression or general unhappiness.
Physical: aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea or dizziness, chest pain, rapid heartbeat, loss of sex drive, frequent colds.
Behavioral: eating more or less, sleeping too much or too little, isolating yourself from others, procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities, using acohol cigarettes or drugs to relax, nervous habits."
Ok so out of 26, I have 20. Time to figure out how to cope!
"Causes: major life changes, work (check), relationship difficulties, financial problems (check), being too busy (sometimes check), children and family (check), inability to accept uncertainty (check), pessimism, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism (check), lack of assertiveness (check)."

Relaxation techniques

1. Breathing meditation
- Sit comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
- Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
- Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
- Continue to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to inhale enough so that your lower abdomen rises and falls. Count slowly as you exhale.

2.  Progressive muscle relaxation
- Loosen your clothing, take off your shoes, and get comfortable.
- Take a few minutes to relax, breathing in and out in slow, deep breaths.
- When you're relaxed and ready to start, shift your attention to your fight foot. Take a moment to focus on the way it feels.
- Slowly tnse the muscles in your right foot, squeezing as tightly as you can. Hold for a count of 10.
- Relax your right foot. Focus on the tension flowing away and the way your foot feels as it becomes limp and loose.
- Stay in this relaxed state for a moment, breathing deeply and slowly.
- When you're ready shift your attention to your left foot. Follow the same sequence of muscle tension and release.
- Move slowly up through your body, contracting and relaxing the muscle groups as you go.
Sequence: right foot, left foot, right calf, left calf, right thigh, left thigh, hips and buttocks, stomach, chest, back. right arm and hand, left arm and hald, neck and shoulders, face.

3. Body scan meditation
- Lie on your back, legs uncrossed, arms relaxed at your sides, eyes open or closed. Focus on your breathing , allowing your stomach to rise as you inhale and fall as you exhale. Breathe deeply for about two minutes, until you start to feel comfortable and relaxed.
- Turn your focus to the toes of your right foot. Notice any sensations you feel while continuing to also focus on your breathing. Imagine each deep breath flowing to your toes. Remain focused on this area for one to two minutes.
- Move your focus to the sole of your right foot. Tune in to any sensations you feel in that part of your body and imagine each breath flowing from the sole of your foot. After one or two minutes, move your focus to your right ankle and repeat. Move to your calf, knee, thigh, hip, and then repeat the sequence for your left leg. From there, move up the torso, through the lower back and abdomen, the upper back and chest, and the shoulders. Pay close attention to any area of the body that causes you pain or discomfort.
- Move your focus to the fingers on your right hand and then move up to the wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, and shoulder. Repeat for your left arm. Then move through the neck and throat, and finally all the regions of your face, the back of the head, and the top of the head. Pay close attention to your jaw, chin, lips, tongue, nose, cheeks, eyes, forehead, temples and scalp. When you reach the very top of your head, let your breath reach out beyond your body and imagine yourself hovering above yourself.
- After completing the body scan, relax for a while in silence and stillness, noting how your body feels. Then open your eyes slowly. Take a moment to stretch, if necessary.

4. Mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness is the ability to remain aware of how you’re feeling right now, your “moment-to-moment” experience—both internal and external. Thinking about the past—blaming and judging yourself—or worrying about the future can often lead to a degree of stress that is overwhelming. But by staying calm and focused in the present moment, you can bring your nervous system back into balance. Mindfulness can be applied to activities such as walking, exercising, eating, or meditation.
Meditations that cultivate mindfulness have long been used to reduce overwhelming stress. Some of these meditations bring you into the present by focusing your attention on a single repetitive action, such as your breathing, a few repeated words, or flickering light from a candle. Other forms of mindfulness meditation encourage you to follow and then release internal thoughts or sensations.
Key points in mindfulness mediation are:
- A quiet environment. Choose a secluded place in your home, office, garden, place of worship, or in the great outdoors where you can relax without distractions or interruptions.
- A comfortable position. Get comfortable, but avoid lying down as this may lead to you falling asleep. Sit up with your spine straight, either in a chair or on the floor. You can also try a cross-legged or lotus position.
- A point of focus. This point can be internal – a feeling or imaginary scene – or something external - a flame or meaningful word or phrase that you repeat it throughout your session. You may meditate with eyes open or closed. Also choose to focus on an object in your surroundings to enhance your concentration, or alternately, you can close your eyes.
- An observant, noncritical attitude. Don’t worry about distracting thoughts that go through your mind or about how well you’re doing. If thoughts intrude during your relaxation session, don’t fight them. Instead, gently turn your attention back to your point of focus.

I didn't like 5, so I'm skipping it.

Number 6: Yoga and tai chi

Yoga involves a series of both moving and stationary poses, combined with deep breathing. As well as reducing anxiety and stress, yoga can also improve flexibility, strength, balance, and stamina. Practiced regularly, it can also strengthen the relaxation response in your daily life. Since injuries can happen when yoga is practiced incorrectly, it’s best to learn by attending group classes, hiring a private teacher, or at least following video instructions.

What type of yoga is best for stress?
Although almost all yoga classes end in a relaxation pose, classes that emphasize slow, steady movement, deep breathing, and gentle stretching are best for stress relief.
-Satyananda is a traditional form of yoga. It features gentle poses, deep relaxation, and meditation, making it suitable for beginners as well as anyone primarily looking for stress reduction.
- Hatha yoga is also reasonably gentle way to relieve stress and is suitable for beginners. Alternately, look for labels like gentle, for stress relief, or for beginners when selecting a yoga class.
- Power yoga, with its intense poses and focus on fitness, is better suited to those looking for stimulation as well as relaxation.
If you’re unsure whether a specific yoga class is appropriate for stress relief, call the studio or ask the teacher.

Tai chi
If you’ve ever seen a group of people in the park slowly moving in synch, you’ve probably witnessed tai chi. Tai chi is a self-paced, non-competitive series of slow, flowing body movements. These movements emphasize concentration, relaxation, and the conscious circulation of vital energy throughout the body. Though tai chi has its roots in martial arts, today it is primarily practiced as a way of calming the mind, conditioning the body, and reducing stress. As in meditation, tai chi practitioners focus on their breathing and keeping their attention in the present moment.
Tai chi is a safe, low-impact option for people of all ages and levels of fitness, including older adults and those recovering from injuries. Like yoga, once you’ve learned the basics of tai chi or qi gong, you can practice alone or with others, tailoring your sessions as you see fit.

The popular relaxation techniques of yoga and tai chi benefit from training that helps ensure you are correctly performing the poses and movements.
Learn more: Tips on How to Practice Yoga and Tai Chi



That's about all for now. They don't have much about exercise or caffeine. Plenty about eating healthy. Topics I'll have to explore at a later time. For now, much set the table for Christmas lunch with my womderful mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and 1-year-old nephew.

Merry Christmas.

One semester left

Woo! I made it to the end of yet another semester! Just waiting on final grades. I'm mentally pooped. But now's when I start other adventures and start good habits that I'll hopefully keep through next semester. A grand total of 8 credit hours next semester - oh yeah. I'm  not gonna know what to do with myself. I actually now have time to take care of my relationships, take care of myself, and take care of my house.

I get to organize.
I get to watch movies.
I get to eat good food because I get to cook.
I get to read books for fun.

I get to sleep.
I get to work and actually make money.

Whew.

That's all I really have to say today.

Oh! And the girl at work who insulted me last week was fired (or at least that's what everyone's saying). Its not because of me. I actually don't know why she was fired. She probably cussed a manager out or something. But good riddance.

I know, I should work on being loving to everyone. Its a work in progress. And some people make it so hard.

Oh and I'm also going to try NuvaRing starting this week. I'm sincerely hoping it makes my hormones level out. And I'm hoping it doesn't make things weird.

And my mom is having surgery tomorrow. Keep her in your prayers. Its nothing super major and I know she'll be fine, but a little prayer never hurt.

And my dad gets back from a business trip in Canada at 1am on Wednesday morning. He hates it up there. Its too cold and there's too much snow, according to him. Actually, I'll share the email he sent me. Made me laugh at least:

"Okay,  I’ve just had way too much time on my hands today!!!  Good thing I’m coming home Tuesday….think I might be losing it.  Thoughts for the day……

·         If your all main sports involve ice, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If corn is a heating fuel because you burned all the trees, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If it snows more than 3 times in a week, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If you get lake effect snow, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If there’s a frigid wind blowing in off the lake more than 2 months out of the year, it’s definitely too cold where you live.

·         If your idea of a lot of snow is anything over 18”, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If the winter days are less than 9 hours long, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If they sell more snowmobiles than four-wheelers, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If all your friends have snowplows on their pickup trucks, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If the hardware stores sell more snowblowers than tillers, it might be too cold where you live.

If two or more of these apply to you, and you still live there on purpose….you have cold induced brain damage and there’s no hope for you.

This next little ditty is set to the tune of Men at Work’s “Land Down Under” from the 80’s:

Here I am in a land up yonder

Where the beer flows and men are fonder

Of curling and hockey, makes me wonder,

Does the cold air cause their brains to blunder.

I can't believe I'm writing this song

I've been away from home far too long

Way too bored, need somewhere to go

Before my mind goes insane ya know.

Stuck in a land up yonder,

Where the beer flows and men are fonder

Of curling and hockey, makes me wonder,

Does the cold air cause their brains to blunder.

I really miss the land of cotton

Away from home makes me feel rotten

Cant' find grits or real iced tea

There's too much snow and no shade trees

It's cold here in the frozen tundra
Where the beer flows and men are fonder
Of curling and hockey, way up yonder,
Their strange ways makes me wonder...

-          Dad "

Well, I'm hungry. So I'm going to get off here and go grocery shopping. I know, I know: grocery shopping with an empty stomach is a horrible idea. It makes you buy things you don't need. But, hey, I need food. I have basically none in the house. And I'm low on money this week, thanks to the stupid power bill. Oh well. I'm going to make the best of it.

Peace and love until next time.

Work and school and health troubles

Last night, I stayed up studying until 11 pm, then got up this morning at 4:30 am to finish studying. Studied 4:30 to 6:45 am, took a shower, went to work 8 am to 1 pm.

During my lovely (or not) shift, there was nothing done, the store was a mess, and this bitch decided to comment on my weight. Okay, first of all, yeah I've gained weight. I'm between 105-110 pounds. My parents say I look good. My boyfriend says I'm "voluptuous." Second of all, this girl and I don't get along. Period. Where I come from, its not okay to flirt with one's boyfriend in an overtly sexual manner. Third of all, I'm stressed the hell out already.

She comes up to me, stares at my stomach, and makes the remark "Putting on a few pounds?" What I wanted to say was, "Yeah. That comes from sitting down studying and actually getting an education. I have someone who appreciates the way I look and I get laid by the same man on a regular basis. Unlike you, who has to walk around like a skanky ass slut wanting to fuck every dick she can find and probably not getting any because who knows what kinda shit you've caught." Instead, I just say, "Yeah, I probably have."

So I'm pissed off. And my manager has the nerve to ask me what's wrong. I don't want to talk to her. The only person I'm in need of talking to is my boyfriend. I really wanted to look at her and say "Its none of your damn business. And why would I tell you anyway? You're the tramp who's probably spreading the rumor that I'm pregnant." Instead, I just tell her that I need to talk to my boyfriend.

So I go and take a test, which I'd been studying for, and which I knew all the answers. First time this semester, so I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Go to the doctor for my wrist and to get my birth control changed. I weight 109. So, I'm already hurting from the nasty pregnancy rumors and the comments about my weight...now this?! I figure its gotta boil down to a) maybe I am pregnant, b) depression causes weight gain, c) my current birth control, or d) maybe I'm just getting older and my metabolism is finally slowing down.

So I'm tired. Its exam week, which means working my butt off. I can barely stand the people I work with for much longer. And I'm worried about my weight and my health. This sucks.

Thanksgiving

Well, as many of you possible readers (more than like no one reads this though) know, today is Thanksgiving. I'm home for Thanksgiving for a grand total of yesterday evening until sometime today. I didn't sleep worth crap. But since this is Thanksgiving, I'm gonna try to be positive.

What am I thankful for?
-food
-my car
-my trailer
-my job
-my parents
-how smoothly my trip has gone thus far
-my boyfriend (who is currently sick)
-the fact that this semester is almost over
-the fact that i'm almost done with school
-toothpaste and toothbrushes
-indoor plumbing

The list could potentially go on.

Well, I'm going to eat waffles now (my family does Thanksgiving breakfast instead of lunch/dinner and I love it).