Happy 2014!

I made it through 2013 without either going completely insane or dying! Yeah! Lately, anytime someone wishes me a better year than 2013, I can't help but think how easy that will be. If I have a worse year, someone ought to just put me out of my misery. But anyways.

I don't normally make new year resolutions. No one ever keeps them and they always have to do with losing weight or getting in shape and after a week to a month of trying to do this, people lose interest.

However, since I recently underwent a major life change (and because 2013 was so bad without having any goals), I've made some goals for myself. Some of my goals are long-term while others are short-term. And, by the end of 2014, I'm not going to judge how good or bad the year was with how many of these I've accomplished. That's not what these goals are for. These are just to get me started in direction I want to go with my life (and that boils down to living a love and joy-filled life).

1. Finish reading my Bible.
I've resumed my reading plan (finally) and, as long as I read what I'm scheduled to every day, I'll end May 23. It'll be the first time in my life I've read the entire thing.

2. Live in love (or stop living in fear).
"Perfect love casts out all fear" is in 1 John. So many of my decisions have been based on fear. I'm afraid of pain, of rejection, of disappointment. And so I've been stressed. I get stressed any time I need to bring up a topic of, say, I can't work this day, or saying "No, I can't do that right now." So I'm going to make an ongoing effort to not be afraid. After all, if I'm afraid I won't accomplish these resolutions, I might as well give up now.

3. Plan trips.
And do one of two things: take them, or start saving money to take them. Some trips will be short day trips or weekend trips, and those won't take as much time or money, so those I will start doing as soon as I'm able. Others, though, are ones that will require much more planning and saving - like going to South Africa.

4. Take care of myself physically.
This includes much more than just "eat better" and "get in shape." Some specific ones for me are:
- Run a mile.
- Put my hands flat on the floor while my feet are together and my knees are straight.
- Improve flexibility in my entire body.
- Choose to drink water.
- Cook for myself.
- Keep my hair cut to look nice.

5. Repair and/or replace old junk.
For example, most of my shoes need replacing because they are so full of holes and so old they don't fit my feet right. Many of my clothes need holes sewed up, or just need replacing. My laptop needs a charger.

6. Be in at least one play.
I'm trying for Chicago when Piedmont Players has auditions in February. I love Chicago. But, more importantly, I love acting. I went to school for it. And I haven't acted in two or two and a half years. What better way to get back in acting shape than to just go for it, right?

7. Choreograph a full routine.
Dance is my first love. I haven't choreographed something I've been proud of in over a year and a half. Again, what better way to get back into the dance world than to just go for it?

So there they are. There are fuller explanations to some of these that I can't seem to put into words. I'm coming to the conclusion that, sometimes, its okay to not be able to explain something in words. That's where art comes in (at least for people like me). It takes the raw emotion and finds a way to display it.

One last thought. I'm beginning to find that, in a journey to "find myself," it doesn't look like a "finding" process at all. It looks, and feels, like a journey of becoming the woman I want to be.

Support and Beauty

Here's my thing. We could all do this. We all have either struggled with this at some point in our lives or know someone who has. If you say you haven't, then either you're lying or you haven't been paying close enough attention.

I think its awesome that people can have a way to share their support.

However, why do we only show support with few-day long things like these? Why is depression such a taboo subject to approach? Why do people who deal with depression always feel there is no one to talk to and that they are alone, even when there are millions suffering in the same way?

In America, depression is common. It can come in many forms and it can come from many origins. But it still exists. Many people do not treat their depression. Why? Because it has a taboo. In religion, in family, and in work, no one wants to admit that they struggle with depression. Many times, religion will tell you to just rely on God (which, if you already are, what does that imply to you? That you aren't relying on Him fully enough? The Bible says with faith the size of a mustard seed for a reason, people!). Work tells you to just put on a face because we don't have time to do deal with your issues. And family sometimes just doesn't know what to say, or they are absent.

So what happens? People continue to struggle with depression. Do not tell them just to get over it! They can decide a thousand times a day that they do not want to be depressed any longer. But if they have no support system, it can be almost impossible to pull themselves out of that pit.

If you've never suffered from depression, let me explain how it always felt to me.

Imagine a weight on your chest. A knot in your throat. A lack of energy all the time. An inability to focus. A fear of change. A sinking feeling sucking your entire body down into the earth. You don't want to move. You don't want to work. You can't relax. You get emotional, have panic attacks. Even if you can identify the root cause of your depression, you can't seem to find the strength to fix it. Or you can't get over your fear of doing what you must to fix it.

Like I said, almost impossible to get out of. Fortunately, I have a loving family and friends who were willing to help. They listened to my unfocused, fearful ramblings of what I thought I might need to do, but was unsure and scared of doing for months! They loved on me and told me I was worth so much more than this kind of life. They cut through my rambling and told me what I already knew, but was afraid to admit. And then, when they knew I knew what needed to happen, they physically came and got me.

They have shown me so much love and forgiveness and hope.

Because of them, I have begun a process of keeping myself of getting sucked back down. I have begun to forgive myself and the others that have hurt me either intentionally or unintentionally (which is an everyday, ongoing process). I have begun to hope that my life can be as big as I want it to be.

What's my point? If you know someone struggling with depression, be there for them! Not just a few days of the year, but every single day. Be their friend that can listen without judgment. Be their strong arms that can hold them. Be their open heart that can love on them and tell them that they are wonderful and beautiful and amazing.

And if you struggle yourself, and have found at least one person who will do these things for you, let them. Do NOT let anyone tell you that you are alone or unworthy!!!! I CANNOT stress this enough.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY!!!

I don't care what you have or have not done, please remember that.

Overdrive

I just want to start by saying that my brain has been going in a thousand different directions, and I can coherently think about them all. Its quite a relief to no longer feel like I'm in quite as bad of a stupor as I was.

So. I'm starting to get to the point where I'm trying to get healthy again.
My first step is to start taking my multivitamins again and drinking more water. I've successfully done both for 3 days straight now! With water, I'm taking it slow, starting with 3 cups of water a day. I'm not even used to that much, so I've been running to the bathroom a ton!

Anyways, my next stage is to start exercising again. I will be starting running (is my plan, but its cold out, so we'll see when I actually start doing that). And I found a 5 week starting workout routine for dancers.

And, of course, I'm going to be stretching so I can dance again! I already have 3 songs I'm wanting to choreograph to:

 

This one, I've already got some choreography started on. I love this song, partially because it puts words behind what I had been feeling for so long. I also really like the unique sound of it.

You may know this one if you've listened to the radio at all. I really like the grungy, sassy feel of it.

And this one is way outside my bubble, but every time I hear it on the radio, I just want to choreograph to it!

That's all I have for now!



Creation and destruction

Yesterday, I was thinking: creation and destruction. You can't have one without the other. You can't create something without destroying the previous state of whatever material you use. You can't destroy anything without creating in the process. Even if its unintentional. 

As an artist, this is an important concept to grasp.

As a woman changing her life, this is monumental. 

I can destroy aspects of myself that I don't like. I can create a different me. God is the only one who can give me my body and my life, but I can am the only one with control over my life. 

Destruction is thought of as such a negative thing. But in reality, it isn't. It is a form of creation.

Now, how do you destroy aspects of your life?

Practice. 

Just like in a sport, practice makes perfect. So practice being who you want to be.

Also just like in a sport, no longer practicing results in losing the ability to do what you used to do. So stop practicing the behaviors and aspects of your character that you want to be rid of. Once you get out of practice, you lose the ability to be that way again.

Col 2:7 Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done.

Col 3:1-15 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your real life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. 

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires. Don't be greedy for the good things of this life, for that is idolatry. God's terrible anger will come upon those who do such things. You used to do them when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old evil nature and all its wicked deeds. In its place you have clothed yourselves with a brand-new nature that is continually being renewed as you learn more and more about Christ, who created this new nature in you. In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us. 

Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. And the most important piece of clothing you must wear if love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

Matters of the Heart

New Living Translation

Proverbs
2:6-10 For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy.
3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
12:18-20 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. Truthful words stand the test of time, but lies are soon exposed. Deceit fills hearts that are plotting evil; joy fills hearts that are planning peace!
13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.
14:10 Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can fully share its joy.
14:30 A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
15:11 Even Death and Destruction hold no secrets from the Lord. How much more does he know the human heart!
15:13-19 A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit. A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash. For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. Better to have little, with fear for the Lord, than to have great treasure and inner turmoil. A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them. A lazy person’s way is blocked with briers, but the path of the upright is an open highway.
15:30 A cheerful look brings joy to the heart; good news makes for good health.
20:30 Physical punishment cleanses away evil; such discipline purifies the heart.
22:19 My child, listen and be wise: Keep your heart on the right course.
27:19 As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person.

Psalms
16:7-11 I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.
19:12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
27:7-8 Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
28:7-8 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. The Lord gives his people strength.
33:13-15 The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do.
37:4-7 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
38:8-9 I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.
97:11 Light shines on the godly, and joy on those whose hearts are right.
109:21-22 Rescue me because you are so faithful and good. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is full of pain.
119:1-2 Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts.

Job 33-38 Do you know the laws of the universe? Can you use them to regulate the earth? “Can you shout to the clouds and make it rain? Can you make lightning appear and cause it to strike as you direct? Who gives intuition to the heart and instinct to the mind? Who is wise enough to count all the clouds? Who can tilt the water jars of heaven when the parched ground is dry and the soil has hardened into clods?

Deuteronomy
4:29 But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.
6:5 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
11:16 “But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods.
30:6 The Lord your God will change your heart and the hearts of all your descendants, so that you will love him with all your heart and soul and so you may live!

Daniel 2:30 And it is not because I am wiser than anyone else that I know the secret of your dream, but because God wants you to understand what was in your heart.

Ezekiel
11:19 And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart, 
36:26-27 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

Sunday, Nov. 24

I wrote this this past Sunday. I'm now putting it online. Partially so I don't lose it but partially so I can share it with whoever reads this.

I woke up at about 6:15 this morning. I couldn't hear anyone up, so I thought it was earlier until I looked at a clock. After I used the bathroom, I went and lay on my stomach and I started to pray. This is the first time I'm been able to pray in a long time. For the past few months, when I've wanted tp pray, I couldn't find words.

So I started to pray. I only remember a few key points to what I prayed. I told God that I realized that my whole identity was wrapped up in my work and taking care of Steven that I lost who I am. I don't know who Hannah is anymore. My identity has essentially been ripped away from me.

Then I told God that I'm afraid since I've been okay these last few days that I'd break down sometime soon. But I don't want that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm broken in a thousand tiny pieces.

And then I told Him that I don't know what to do next. I'm here now, but now what... I'm so scared because I don't know what to do. Then 2 Timothy 1:7 came to me. I couldn't remember the exact wording nor where it was in the Bible, so I asked Dad when he woke up. And then I read the amplified version, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."

Now there's the obvious link there, but I want to also point out that the last month or two, I have suffered from depression and almost daily panic attacks, which made it beyond difficult to make a decision or to be calm. So that verse = double wammy.

Then I go to RWOC with my mom and dad. We sang a song in worship with a line that said "You are my everything." And I realized that everything includes my identity, which I am missing. I search for God and I find my identity, my strength, and my peace.

Pastor Brandon then got up with a word about peace. Peace comes from the Hebrew Shalom, which also encompasses the concept of being whole, not being in pieces. God gives us peace, Shalom, beyond all understanding.

Then Pastor Ron got us and his message boiled down to:
a) Man was made in God's image and was right below God.
b) God spoke His world into existence, then gave Adam the dominion and glory (power) over everything in creation.
c) Sin took that away.
d) Jesus died on the cross for our sins and gave us dominion and glory back.
Therefore, we have dominion over everything (finances, depression, etc.) and we have the glory (power) to shape our world with our words.

SOOOO

1) 2 Tim 1:7 - I have power, love, and a sound mind - no fear!
2) I search for God, He is my everything. In Him I find who I am!
3) God has given me peace beyond understanding. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. I am whole!
4) I can change my world with my words. I can take hold of my mountains and make them plains!

Silver Linings Playbook

I don't know if anyone has watched this movie, but I have. Its phenomenal. And I agree with that statement that if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.

So I'm making my own silver linings playbook. There are 4 main areas in my life that I want to strengthen. They are:
1) Faith
2) Body
3) Relationships
4) Finances

So I plan on writing about these as they come. Putting down in writing what I learn along the way.