Femininity

Tell me how to find the balance

Between the different sides of me:

The vulnerable that has such beauty,

The strong that I must be.

For if I cannot be full of strength,

Desperation becomes my path.

I must stay open, for if I don't,

My relationships cannot last.

Vulnerability of strength?

Which one defines femininity?

Perhaps the true test of womanhood

Is finding a balance I can achieve.

Update!

Yes, yes, I know. I'm a slacker. Its already been 3 months since I updated! Eek!

Okay, I suppose the first thing I should do is give an update on how my New Year's resolutions are coming along (yes, I'm still keeping them!)

1. Finish reading my Bible:
Still chugging along on this (though I did get really far behind when I was working on resolution # 6).

2. Live in love (or stop living in fear):
This is an ongoing challenge for me, and will continue to be. But I think I'm doing an okay job. I should add on to this to continue to work on loving myself. I've been awfully hard on myself and apologizing for everything. The best response to my unnecessary apologies is the one my boyfriend usually gives. It usually goes a little something like this:

Me: I'm sorry.
Him: (Shakes his head).
Me: What?
Him: We don't apologize when we have nothing to apologize for.

(Yes, this happened very recently....and happens frequently).

3. Plan trips.
I've started saving up (slowly, but surely) for a big trip. Like a South Africa big trip.

4. Take care of myself physically.
Yep, I can run over a mile now!! And I can touch my toes again. I'm continuing to work on the flexibility bit, but I'm getting there. And I've been keeping my hair (mostly) nice.

5. Repair and/or replace old junk.
Fixed my coat, bought new tennis shoes, got rid of super holey PJ pants, and got a laptop charger. Yep, I think this one is officially taken care of.

6. Be in at least one play.
I can't believe I haven't said one word on here about Chicago!!!! What is wrong with me?! Okay, let's just say that this one is also checked off my to do list. I'll blab more about it here in a moment.

7. Choreograph a full routine.
I'm about halfway through choreographing to Concrete Wall by Zee Avi. Maybe I'll get someone to video it for me when its done so you guys can see it!

Ooookay now that that's been updated, let me tell you what else I've been up to.

First off, as I mentioned before, I was in a play! Chicago the musical to be exact. To make a long story short, this was the most fun I've had doing a show.....EVER! Usually, when I get done with the show, I'm done. I don't want to see, hear, look at, or acknowledge it for a few months. With Chicago, I was actually sad it ended. Its been over a month since it ended now and I'm still singing the songs and doing the routines. That's how much fun I had.

Since then, I've moved in with my boyfriend in Boone. I gotta say...he's pretty dang awesome. Our first task together when I moved was to go buy a bookshelf. We are both such bookworms! Anyways, we spent the majority of a day putting the bookshelf together and going through just his books.

I apologize for the terrible quality of that picture, but that's our bookshelf. We actually have quite a few books on a smaller bookshelf. Its our "classics" bookshelf, including novels such as The Call of the Wild, Oliver Twist, Utopia, White Fang, and Fiddler on the Roof. Yeah, did I mention we're a little nerdy?

Well, that is all for my update today. I hope everyone is doing well and is happy out there!

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If I were to even begin telling you exactly how I feel
You would first have to know exactly where I’m coming from
All my little tragedies
My heartbreaks
My insecurities
All my great successes
My adventures
My passions
You would have to understand that I never feel only one way
Too often there are two warring sides
I’m happy, yet I’m petrified
I’ll let you in, but I’ll keep you out
I want support, but I’ll do it on my own,
thank you very much
I’ll tell you everything, yet not have said enough
My heart will swell with the knowledge that you love me,
Yet be breaking with the possibility that you could leave
I’ll force myself to trust you when that’s the hardest thing to do
I’ll give you all of me, then hide myself away
You need to know that I have depths to how I feel
And how I think
I’ll love you as a friend, as a lover, as a partner
How I feel about you cannot be contained in three words
What I want with you cannot be easily communicated
My reservations hold me back while my spirit drives me forward
You first need to understand me
Before you will understand this in its entirety

People and Their Pets

As many of you know, I work at Petsmart. I've only worked there for about 2 months now, but I've noticed one thing in particular as I've watched people come and go: people love their pets. They buy them decent food, give them shelter and fresh water, replace their toys, buy clothes for them, groom them, teach them manners, discipline them...the list goes on and on. All the time, I hear people mutter how they never leave without spending at least $100 on their babies.

And it got me thinking.

What if people treated everyone around them in this fashion? How different would this world be if we loved as we are called to love? I'm not talking about the superficial "I love you so I'm just going to let you get away with everything" love either. I'm talking about something deeper and more real than that. The kind of love where you can correct behavior, disagree, and grow through.

Matthew 22:38 says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Its talking about this kind of love. Sure, there are going to be people that we dislike; instead of seeking to change them, seek to love them enough to want what is best for them. And if they will love themselves, they will want what is best for them and want to change. Keep loving on them and support them through those changes.

A fair forewarning, though: this kind of love towards everyone you meet can, and most likely will, lead to some frustration. You want what's best for those around you, why can't they want it for themselves?! Just remember, the world looks different through every set of eyes. My world through my eyes looks much different from my world through your eyes. Try to look through a different perspective every once in a while. It just might change your life.

Happy 2014!

I made it through 2013 without either going completely insane or dying! Yeah! Lately, anytime someone wishes me a better year than 2013, I can't help but think how easy that will be. If I have a worse year, someone ought to just put me out of my misery. But anyways.

I don't normally make new year resolutions. No one ever keeps them and they always have to do with losing weight or getting in shape and after a week to a month of trying to do this, people lose interest.

However, since I recently underwent a major life change (and because 2013 was so bad without having any goals), I've made some goals for myself. Some of my goals are long-term while others are short-term. And, by the end of 2014, I'm not going to judge how good or bad the year was with how many of these I've accomplished. That's not what these goals are for. These are just to get me started in direction I want to go with my life (and that boils down to living a love and joy-filled life).

1. Finish reading my Bible.
I've resumed my reading plan (finally) and, as long as I read what I'm scheduled to every day, I'll end May 23. It'll be the first time in my life I've read the entire thing.

2. Live in love (or stop living in fear).
"Perfect love casts out all fear" is in 1 John. So many of my decisions have been based on fear. I'm afraid of pain, of rejection, of disappointment. And so I've been stressed. I get stressed any time I need to bring up a topic of, say, I can't work this day, or saying "No, I can't do that right now." So I'm going to make an ongoing effort to not be afraid. After all, if I'm afraid I won't accomplish these resolutions, I might as well give up now.

3. Plan trips.
And do one of two things: take them, or start saving money to take them. Some trips will be short day trips or weekend trips, and those won't take as much time or money, so those I will start doing as soon as I'm able. Others, though, are ones that will require much more planning and saving - like going to South Africa.

4. Take care of myself physically.
This includes much more than just "eat better" and "get in shape." Some specific ones for me are:
- Run a mile.
- Put my hands flat on the floor while my feet are together and my knees are straight.
- Improve flexibility in my entire body.
- Choose to drink water.
- Cook for myself.
- Keep my hair cut to look nice.

5. Repair and/or replace old junk.
For example, most of my shoes need replacing because they are so full of holes and so old they don't fit my feet right. Many of my clothes need holes sewed up, or just need replacing. My laptop needs a charger.

6. Be in at least one play.
I'm trying for Chicago when Piedmont Players has auditions in February. I love Chicago. But, more importantly, I love acting. I went to school for it. And I haven't acted in two or two and a half years. What better way to get back in acting shape than to just go for it, right?

7. Choreograph a full routine.
Dance is my first love. I haven't choreographed something I've been proud of in over a year and a half. Again, what better way to get back into the dance world than to just go for it?

So there they are. There are fuller explanations to some of these that I can't seem to put into words. I'm coming to the conclusion that, sometimes, its okay to not be able to explain something in words. That's where art comes in (at least for people like me). It takes the raw emotion and finds a way to display it.

One last thought. I'm beginning to find that, in a journey to "find myself," it doesn't look like a "finding" process at all. It looks, and feels, like a journey of becoming the woman I want to be.

Support and Beauty

Here's my thing. We could all do this. We all have either struggled with this at some point in our lives or know someone who has. If you say you haven't, then either you're lying or you haven't been paying close enough attention.

I think its awesome that people can have a way to share their support.

However, why do we only show support with few-day long things like these? Why is depression such a taboo subject to approach? Why do people who deal with depression always feel there is no one to talk to and that they are alone, even when there are millions suffering in the same way?

In America, depression is common. It can come in many forms and it can come from many origins. But it still exists. Many people do not treat their depression. Why? Because it has a taboo. In religion, in family, and in work, no one wants to admit that they struggle with depression. Many times, religion will tell you to just rely on God (which, if you already are, what does that imply to you? That you aren't relying on Him fully enough? The Bible says with faith the size of a mustard seed for a reason, people!). Work tells you to just put on a face because we don't have time to do deal with your issues. And family sometimes just doesn't know what to say, or they are absent.

So what happens? People continue to struggle with depression. Do not tell them just to get over it! They can decide a thousand times a day that they do not want to be depressed any longer. But if they have no support system, it can be almost impossible to pull themselves out of that pit.

If you've never suffered from depression, let me explain how it always felt to me.

Imagine a weight on your chest. A knot in your throat. A lack of energy all the time. An inability to focus. A fear of change. A sinking feeling sucking your entire body down into the earth. You don't want to move. You don't want to work. You can't relax. You get emotional, have panic attacks. Even if you can identify the root cause of your depression, you can't seem to find the strength to fix it. Or you can't get over your fear of doing what you must to fix it.

Like I said, almost impossible to get out of. Fortunately, I have a loving family and friends who were willing to help. They listened to my unfocused, fearful ramblings of what I thought I might need to do, but was unsure and scared of doing for months! They loved on me and told me I was worth so much more than this kind of life. They cut through my rambling and told me what I already knew, but was afraid to admit. And then, when they knew I knew what needed to happen, they physically came and got me.

They have shown me so much love and forgiveness and hope.

Because of them, I have begun a process of keeping myself of getting sucked back down. I have begun to forgive myself and the others that have hurt me either intentionally or unintentionally (which is an everyday, ongoing process). I have begun to hope that my life can be as big as I want it to be.

What's my point? If you know someone struggling with depression, be there for them! Not just a few days of the year, but every single day. Be their friend that can listen without judgment. Be their strong arms that can hold them. Be their open heart that can love on them and tell them that they are wonderful and beautiful and amazing.

And if you struggle yourself, and have found at least one person who will do these things for you, let them. Do NOT let anyone tell you that you are alone or unworthy!!!! I CANNOT stress this enough.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY!!!

I don't care what you have or have not done, please remember that.

Overdrive

I just want to start by saying that my brain has been going in a thousand different directions, and I can coherently think about them all. Its quite a relief to no longer feel like I'm in quite as bad of a stupor as I was.

So. I'm starting to get to the point where I'm trying to get healthy again.
My first step is to start taking my multivitamins again and drinking more water. I've successfully done both for 3 days straight now! With water, I'm taking it slow, starting with 3 cups of water a day. I'm not even used to that much, so I've been running to the bathroom a ton!

Anyways, my next stage is to start exercising again. I will be starting running (is my plan, but its cold out, so we'll see when I actually start doing that). And I found a 5 week starting workout routine for dancers.

And, of course, I'm going to be stretching so I can dance again! I already have 3 songs I'm wanting to choreograph to:

 

This one, I've already got some choreography started on. I love this song, partially because it puts words behind what I had been feeling for so long. I also really like the unique sound of it.

You may know this one if you've listened to the radio at all. I really like the grungy, sassy feel of it.

And this one is way outside my bubble, but every time I hear it on the radio, I just want to choreograph to it!

That's all I have for now!