Posts
Anyways, I like to write about real life. The good and the bad. The last post was a happy one. This one is a little more vulnerable.
I found this article on Facebook this morning, and I'm glad I read it. Because lately, if I'm honest, I haven't been very gracious to myself.
It started the other night when my body decided to not do something it previously was able to do (which, let's be honest, happens a lot during pregnancy: can't comfortably sleep, can't lift some objects, can't turn around or stand up too fast, can't digest food the same way...the list goes on), and I got frustrated and embarrassed and shed a few tears. Actually, this wasn't the first thing that happened, as you can probably tell by that list.
Skip to yesterday. I got upset and angry over something minor. For those of you who don't know me very well, I tend to cry some when I'm angry. Well, the tears started. I tried to dry them up. That only made me cry harder.
Then I realized, I wasn't just crying because I was angry.
I was crying because I am exhausted, and frustrated with myself for always being exhausted.
I was crying because I am afraid of the people I need suddenly not being there when I need them.
I was crying because I am so used to wanting to do things myself, and everyone I talk to and everything I read has told me to rely on the help of others both during pregnancy and (especially) for the first few weeks after the baby is born.
I was crying because I am so afraid of having a baby and raising a baby and all the things I could do wrong.
And to be perfectly honest, I was probably crying a lot due to the craziness of pregnancy hormones. Gotta love 'em.
Thankfully, last night, I was able to talk a lot of this through with my wonderful fiancee (I love him more than I can even express). He reminds me so much:
It's okay to be exhausted. And it's okay to sleep when I'm tired. I won't have that luxury soon enough.
I don't have to be afraid of him suddenly not supporting me when it comes time to have a baby. Unless I have a crazy fast 30 minute labor/delivery, he will be there and be willing to do whatever I need him to do (even if that's breaking all the bones in his fingers....his words, not mine).
It's okay to rely on others to help. It's necessary. And we have friends and family who are more than willing to help.
Last of all, it's okay to be scared. He's worried about some of the same things I am, plus some. But he always tells me that I'm going to be a great mom. And if someone wants to say negative or condescending things about the way we choose to raise our daughter, we can politely remind them that we are the ones raising her, not them.
(That isn't to say we don't want advise. Constructive criticism is one thing...berating someone is a whole other ballgame).
And then I read that article this morning, reminding me that I won't have it all together and that's OKAY!
It is okay to break down and cry sometimes. As a matter of fact, it's healthy. Everyone always says that it isn't healthy to be down and scared and overwhelmed. Not true. If we didn't feel these things, we wouldn't be human.
The unhealthy thing is when people get in that place of negativity and live there. They don't take a deep breath, buck up, and move on. And when that happens, they need someone willing to help them move on.
Long story short, I have to learn to have grace with myself. Kind of ironic, since my name actually means grace.
On a sort of side note, this song is amazing. It's a love song, but not the cheesy, everything is always perfect, typical love song. This one is more real. It shows how messy love can be. All kinds of love, really. Friendship, family, significant other, self.
Please note, if you are offended by the "F-word," you probably won't want to listen to it. I think he says it like 5 times, 4 of which are close together. If you can listen to it without that changing your opinion, though, awesome: listen to it.
