Learning to Breathe Again

Hello all! I'm back!

First off, you should all know that I'm still in the detox process (if you don't know what I mean, go back and read my last blog). And there's more that I've done or tried to do to help with the emotional side of it.

First off, I got a bunch of my remaining prenatal checkups (we're down to only 6 left now...8 weeks of pregnancy, give or take a bit!) switched around so I could see the midwife who delivered Rin a lot more. Which is awesome because it meant seeing someone I am comfortable voicing my concern over the emotional instability to. And saying in too many words that I felt like I needed help.

After listening to me about that approximately two weeks ago, she suggested I try an antidepressant/antianxiety medication. 

So I did. And it was awful. 

Now, I'm not here to bash these medications because I know that they can be very beneficial to people who need them.

But my experience? The first day, I took the full dose in the morning. And proceeded to puke my poor guts up. All. Day. Long. The funny part? I was feeling so mellow that I couldn't bring myself to CARE that I was so sick. I mean, I acknowledged that it was sucky, but just didn't care. 

I also noticed my jaw muscles trembling a lot. And I was crazy tired. So my midwife suggested I try to take it at night instead, and my dad suggested I only take half.

We were planning to visit home over spring break. Not wanting to risk being miserable, I decided not to take any medication until I got back. 

Yes, I had some rough moments while I was down, but they usually passed quickly, and I stopped having them for the remainder of the trip.

We got to enjoy the wonderful company and help of my best friend, CJ, and her mom, Mama Catanese (Nonni for Rin so she has a name to call her).

We got to see my brother and sister-in-law and my three silly nephews. The boys seemed ready and willing to play with Rin. And I got the chance to open up to my sister-in-law, who listened without judgement and gave me a book that helped her through these kinds of times (more on that in a bit).

And we got to see Andrew's family, minus his sister-in-law, who had to take the super puppy to training class, which is always a treat (even if I'm almost always exhausted by the time we get to visit).

By the time we got back to Boone, I was MUCH calmer. But I gave the medication one more try....

And it was worse. Threw up some more, dry mouth, the shakes, insomnia..... I decided not to take anymore. To me, those side effects, even if they DO go away eventually, are just not worth it.

I texted a friend of mine who does essential oils (actually, she does a lot more...go check her awesome blog) to see what would be pregnancy safe and beneficial for all that's going on. I already have one oil she suggested (lavender for its calming properties) and the other was super affordable (wild orange for its uplifting properties), so I'm just waiting on it to come in later this week.

I also enjoyed the rest of spring break spending time with the hubby, catching up on rest, and reading.

I already feel more relaxed because of all these things, plus reading the book I got and taking time to get back in touch with my spirituality.

The book is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It's a year long devotional, and each day takes maybe 5 minutes, but each day so far has provided a dose of "I needed that" that has left me feeling even more peaceful. It also has led me to want to read in my Bible at least a few minutes each day.

The last thing I've started doing is actually making an effort to look decent every morning. That means some mascara, doing something with my hair, and putting on real clothes. I even painted my nails the other day. For those of you who don't know me well, I typically don't do these kinds of things unless I'm going on a date (which is maybe once every few months). And I realized I felt so......not pretty on a regular basis. So, I'm making an effort.

So, long story short, I'm trying my darndest to remember how to breathe, and to find out what helps me keep calm and positive.

Part of that is remembering that I can't do it all, and that I need to accept (without guilt) that I simply need a lot of rest. (In fact, I told Andrew today that my priorities are keeping Rin safe, having food for us all to eat, taking care of myself, and doing just enough cleaning to keep away absolute filth.)

Thank you guys for continuing to stick with me through this journey of hormones, emotions, and mommyhood!

Time for a Detox

Hello all. I hope the weather where you are has been pleasant, as here, the days are starting to get warmer and sunnier (finally).

In my last post, I talked about the type of person I'd like to become. My first step in finding my way into that, I believe, is a detox.

Now, I know most of you probably think about a detox as a health fad diet type thing. And that may lead you to think "is that even SAFE to do while pregnant?!" And to be honest, I don't know. Because that isn't the type of detox I'm talking about.

I'm talking about an emotional detox. A social media detox. Yes, those two go hand in hand for me. The more negativity I hear and see, the more stressed and down I feel.

I'm also talking about an electronics detox.....but only partially there. I do still have to keep my phone handy and to look up recipes and (try to) keep up with this blog, along with various other things. I still enjoy winding down in the evening either watching a show or a movie on Netflix or playing Minecraft with the hubby (we know we're nerds....don't judge). And I love listening to music.

But I'm going to turn the volume all the way up on my phone and leave it in one predetermined place in the apartment. That way, I can hear if someone is trying to get in touch with me and I know where to grab it if I want to take a picture or a video.

I'm going to turn the computer on for very specific purposes, and for a set amount of time.

I'm going to stay off of Facebook, unless I write a blog and sign on to post it. I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay off...I just know it needs to happen. If you see something you think I'd enjoy, feel free to still post it to me; I just won't see it for a while. If you want me to see something right away, you can Facebook message it to me (I'll still  have that active) or email or text it to me.

I want to really enjoy this time with my family. This time while Andrew is almost done with school (only 17 days of student teaching left, if you count today). While Rin is still an only child. While I'm still able to get more than two hours of sleep at a time and aren't hearing the cries of a newborn.

I want to open my time back up, to stop being sucked into staring at a screen and watching the time disappear.

On top of all this, I want to calm my mind.

I haven't been taking care of my mental health. The result? I've been stressed, anxious, and depressed. I've been lashing out at those I love the most. I've not been able to sleep well. I've felt tightness creeping from my back to my shoulders and neck and around to my collar bones to the point that I start to feel like I can't breathe and my heart starts racing. I haven't been able to focus and I haven't been able to just relax and stop thinking so much.

I talked to Andrew about this around the same time that I read an article on the importance of doing things like meditating during pregnancy to reduce stress and worry. We talked; I told him I can't meditate because I can't get my brain to just be quiet. He suggested I find a way to calm my mind that works for me: listen to music (and really focus on it), take a bath, etc.

Yesterday, we went for a leisurely walk in the park to enjoy the sunshine and burn off some toddler energy. It wasn't until afterwards that I even realized: my brain was calm. Between the warm sun, all the people and children and dogs, the trees, the birds, the grass, and watching my husband and daughter interacting about everything she saw, my brain just went.....quiet. For the first time in months.

I found myself laughing and more willing to engage. I found myself able to focus. I was calm and happy, and stayed that way the rest of the evening.

If that is how meditation ends up making someone feel, then by all means, I'll meditate by taking walks outside as often as I need to. And I'll find some way to calm my mind when that's not an option.

So this is the start of my detox journey and my learning to calm my mind and get rid of all the stressful, worrisome, negative thoughts. And my learning to deal with normally stress-inducing thoughts (because there will always be something serious to think about) in a healthy, non-panicked way.

It's a process. I will go ahead and acknowledge that I will probably fail at this at least 50% of the time at first. Recognizing this now, though, will help me keep from getting discouraged and giving up on the days that I do fail. And slowly, I hope that number will start to fall, and I can be a less stressed, more mindful human being.

Discovering Who I Want to Be

Today's writing will be a little different. A little less family oriented, and a little more of me just thinking.

I've begun realizing the type of person I really want to be: strong, stable, and actively productive (as well as productively active).

I want to be spiritually strong, physically strong, mentally strong.

I want to be emotionally stable, which I believe will come along with the journey into strength.

I want to be able to end my days feeling fulfilled, like I've accomplished things other than simply surviving.

I want to be the type of person that either has a vegetable garden for my family, or who gets most of her produce from a farmer's market.

I want to be the type of person who can support friends and local businesses more than she does faceless corporations.

And I'm discovering that there's is a much greater depth to my need to create than I've ever known before.

I want to create a home for my family that is both aesthetically pleasing and emotionally welcoming.

I want to create dinners that have the potential to nourish the bodies and souls of my beautiful family.

I want to create dances that showcase originality and raw emotion.

I want to be on stage, giving life to a character from a script.

I want to complete creative projects. Both projects with the kids, but also projects that I've worked on by myself.

I want to be able to do all of these things, and be that type of person.

But there seems to be simply no way to accomplish this right now. Not with being pregnant. Not with a huge upcoming move. Not with the level of daily fatigue and exhaustion I'm experiencing.

Right now, I simply do not have the energy or attention span.

It's the thought that counts, though, right? I've acknowledged these wants and needs. The next step is making a plan on how I'm going to start my journey. Most of the journey will not start for at least three months, if not for longer.

But I vow to myself that I will get back to making sure I'm the type of person, wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend that I wish to be.