Parenting Through

You guys, I have to start by apologizing for it having been so long since I last posted. I said I would post last week, but obviously that did not happen. Why? Where have I been and what have I been doing that I couldn't take an hour at most to write?

Quite frankly, I've been home, struggling.

It started the day after Valentine's day, or two days after Rin turned two. I hit a brick wall. I had done some fun, easy crafts with Rin for the holiday. I had enlisted her help in making heart-shaped sugar cookies. I had planned on writing a cute, but not necessarily mushy, blog post showcasing all of this.

And then, I just.....stopped. I don't know if it was Mommy burnout, or pregnancy hormones, my own tendencies towards stress and depression, or a scary combination of all three. But I suddenly couldn't deal with anything.

I cried a lot. I yelled at my child way too much. I snapped at my husband. I tried so hard not to do these things, to hold myself together. And it felt like the harder I tried, the more out of control I felt.

I wanted out. I questioned my ability to be a mother. I questioned and picked apart every little decision I had ever made that brought me to this point in my life. And I cried some more.

It escalated the Friday night after Valentine's. I truly lost it. I was so angry at my toddler that I was shaking. I wanted to slap her. In the face, you guys. I barely had enough control not to. I also have an amazing husband who knows when he needs to step in and take over. (It has taken me so long to write this because I do not want anyone to think I do not love my child. Or to think I'm an awful person. I promise you that I absolutely love her and I am against violence.)

After this, I broke down in such intense sobs, I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I was so dizzy, I couldn't walk. Andrew calmed me down enough to get Rin to bed. And then I cried on Andrew for close to an hour.

I was ashamed. I was guilty. I was terrified of myself. Who was I? Where did this monster come from?

The next day, I took the day off. After a ton of hugs and kisses, I left to spend the day by myself. I went to a dance competition to enjoy being around creativity and art. I had lunch while reading one of my favorites of all time, Pride and Prejudice. I talked to my mom. I gradually started feeling like myself again.

I started to write about this last Monday, but I just couldn't yet. I took last week as a continuation of that healing, destressing, reflecting, and remembering who I am as a person, as well as a wife and mother.

It's been long enough now that I can see the good that came from a hard week.

I learned I need time away on a regular basis to reset and to just breathe. During Rin's nap time doesn't count since that's usually taken up by cleaning, projects, and/or some shut eye myself. I mean time out of the apartment with no one in tow. It makes me a better mother and wife. And I refuse to feel guilty about it (it helps that Andrew is on board with it too).

I was reminded that my husband truly loves me and is here for me. That can be hard to remember many times when I'm wrist deep in pee, poop, dishes, cooking, etc and he's up to his ears in school work. But it's true.

And finally, I learned how to parent through my own downfalls. How to parent through tears. How to parent through tantrums. How to parent through all the muck and learn from it, so I can continue to parent through and do it better.

And now, for some lighthearted, overdue pictures of my now two year old.

Arts and crafts

She's focused

Hearts we made (I ended up cutting off the excess paper)

Coloring in pinks, purples, and reds

I walked in to find her like this. She also had books under her butt.

Jeez, Mom, I'm trying to read.

Sprinkle time!

She got into it!

Valentine's cookies

Valentine's day snuggles

The Problem With Mind Over Matter

Hey everyone! It seems you all were as excited to find out about baby Amelia as I was (and still am)!

Just an update on my part: I've apparently been sick. I went to the doctor yesterday for my 20 week checkup (we're halfway there, whoop whoop!) and told her that I just generally haven't been feeling well.

I've had bad postnasal drip. I've been sneezing. I've been feeling more and more run down. And it's been going on at least two weeks now.

So, she suggested taking an antibiotic since I wasn't getting any better on my own. Y'all, I hate taking antibiotics. But I hate her other options (claritin or mucinex) more because they dry me out and give me "medicine head." And I DEFINITELY hate being sick more. So, hello Z-pack.

Well, turns out she was right. I took my first dose after lunch yesterday. By this point, my sinuses were starting to throb and I felt awful (and I think it only hit me then because I had finally admitted I didn't feel well). By yesterday evening, I was starting to feel a little better. Last night, I was able to finally actually sleep. This morning, I'm still run down feeling, but I feel much more human again!

So good news, the medicine is working.

Bad news, that means I actually had some little nasties brewing in my system.

And THAT right there is the problem with mind over matter.

I refused to let myself be "sick."
I'm a mom; I don't have time for that.
I'm pregnant; I don't have time for that.
I'm running a house; I don't have time for that.

But, I should've realized I did, indeed, have time  for that.

Because I should've known. The signals were all there.

The postnasal drip that was so bad I was gagging on it almost all day.
The sneezing (and sneezing and sneezing).
The severe lack of energy.
The inability to get a good night's sleep.
The weepiness.
The painful acne breakouts (my acne is ONLY this painful when I'm getting sick).
The constantly being cold (even though I had no fever).
The lack of appetite.
The lack of motivation to do anything at all.

Now, a lot of these can be attributed simply to pregnancy. So, that's what I did. I refused to admit that I honestly and truly felt sick, and just blamed the hormones.

So, the moral of this story is: know your body. Listen to your body. Mind over matter can be a beautiful thing, but if you honestly do not feel well, don't be afraid to do something about it.

That way, you don't feel miserable for way longer than necessary.

Now that's out of the way, here's the update on my beautiful family:

For starters, Rin is, well, Rin. She's been taking care of her "babies" more and more. And been trying to help Mommy more and more (which sometimes works out nicely....other times, not so much: try cleaning with a toddler at your feet moving everything around and you'll understand).

Unfortunately, I have no adorable pictures this week. I've been a little busy trying to not fall on my own face.

As for Andrew, he's doing well. Student teaching seems to be going well, even if it's a little stressful.

And I just have to be mushy for a moment and say that I am so so so grateful to him.

We may have our bad moments, but he has been so forgiving and supportive for me these last few weeks.
He's held me in the middle of the night when I wake up from a nightmare (pregnancy nightmares are a b with a capital B) crying without asking for an explanation until I've calmed down enough to talk. He's held me when I'm crying for stupid reasons in the middle of the afternoon.
He's helped me with the dishes when I'm just too tired after the day to do anything else.
He's played with Rin when I'm too frustrated to deal anymore (and even when he just wanted to).
He's helped read bedtime stories.
He's cleaned up after me when I haven't had the energy to straighten up the apartment.

He has genuinely been my helpmate and my friend. And I couldn't do this whole Mom thing without him. (Granted, I also wouldn't BE a mom without him either hahahaha....sorry, I couldn't resist).

So, that's family life the past few weeks. I hope you all are doing well and staying healthy during this crazy weather (I know at least in NC, it's been crazy...60 degrees one day, 30 the next....ugh!). Much love! Until next time!