Grace

Why does no one like to write about real life anymore? It's not all rainbows like we are so often led to believe. That's one of the reasons people have such low self esteem. Just remember, do not compare your life to what you see of someone else's. It's kind of like comparing your whole story to the highlight reel of someone else's.

Anyways, I like to write about real life. The good and the bad. The last post was a happy one. This one is a little more vulnerable.

I found this article on Facebook this morning, and I'm glad I read it. Because lately, if I'm honest, I haven't been very gracious to myself.

It started the other night when my body decided to not do something it previously was able to do (which, let's be honest, happens a lot during pregnancy: can't comfortably sleep, can't lift some objects, can't turn around or stand up too fast, can't digest food the same way...the list goes on), and I got frustrated and embarrassed and shed a few tears. Actually, this wasn't the first thing that happened, as you can probably tell by that list.

Skip to yesterday. I got upset and angry over something minor. For those of you who don't know me very well, I tend to cry some when I'm angry. Well, the tears started. I tried to dry them up. That only made me cry harder.

Then I realized, I wasn't just crying because I was angry.
 I was crying because I am exhausted, and frustrated with myself for always being exhausted.

I was crying because I am afraid of the people I need suddenly not being there when I need them.

I was crying because I am so used to wanting to do things myself, and everyone I talk to and everything I read has told me to rely on the help of others both during pregnancy and (especially) for the first few weeks after the baby is born.

I was crying because I am so afraid of having a baby and raising a baby and all the things I could do wrong.

And to be perfectly honest, I was probably crying a lot due to the craziness of pregnancy hormones. Gotta love 'em.

Thankfully, last night, I was able to talk a lot of this through with my wonderful fiancee (I love him more than I can even express). He reminds me so much:
It's okay to be exhausted. And it's okay to sleep when I'm tired. I won't have that luxury soon enough.

I don't have to be afraid of him suddenly not supporting me when it comes time to have a baby. Unless I have a crazy fast 30 minute labor/delivery, he will be there and be willing to do whatever I need him to do (even if that's breaking all the bones in his fingers....his words, not mine).

It's okay to rely on others to help. It's necessary. And we have friends and family who are more than willing to help.

Last of all, it's okay to be scared. He's worried about some of the same things I am, plus some. But he always tells me that I'm going to be a great mom. And if someone wants to say negative or condescending things about the way we choose to raise our daughter, we can politely remind them that we are the ones raising her, not them.
(That isn't to say we don't want advise. Constructive criticism is one thing...berating someone is a whole other ballgame).

And then I read that article this morning, reminding me that I won't have it all together and that's OKAY!

It is okay to break down and cry sometimes. As a matter of fact, it's healthy. Everyone always says that it isn't healthy to be down and scared and overwhelmed. Not true. If we didn't feel these things, we wouldn't be human.
The unhealthy thing is when people get in that place of negativity and live there. They don't take a deep breath, buck up, and move on. And when that happens, they need someone willing to help them move on.

Long story short, I have to learn to have grace with myself. Kind of ironic, since my name actually means grace.

On a sort of side note, this song is amazing. It's a love song, but not the cheesy, everything is always perfect, typical love song. This one is more real. It shows how messy love can be. All kinds of love, really. Friendship, family, significant other, self.
Please note, if you are offended by the "F-word," you probably won't want to listen to it. I think he says it like 5 times, 4 of which are close together. If you can listen to it without that changing your opinion, though, awesome: listen to it.

My Dearest Little Peanut

My Dearest Little Peanut,

At this point, I am a little over 17 weeks pregnant with you, so you're actually a little bigger than a peanut. But my peanut you will be until I find out if you are a handsome little boy or a beautiful little girl in three weeks. And you will probably be my peanut for a long time after that still. After all, I am almost 24 years old and my mother still affectionately calls me her peanut (and I love it). All that aside, there's only about 23 more weeks before you'll be here!

The past 17 weeks have been an adventure. The hormones my body requires to make sure you develop and grow into a little human have wreaked havoc on my digestive system. My emotions are all over the place. I wouldn't trade it in for anything though (except maybe the throwing up - no one likes throwing up, as I am sure you are bound to find out in your lifetime).

The most exciting parts have been, of course, when I found out I was pregnant with you (your daddy was, and still is, thrilled), when I saw you for the first time on the ultrasound, when I heard your little heartbeat, and recently when I felt you move. I'm at least 93% sure I felt you move three times. I know you're moving around in there already, though. You were already being a little wiggle worm at the first ultrasound, and we could hear you moving when we heard your heartbeat.

I just want you to know, though, now and forever after, that your mommy and daddy love you with all their hearts. And we want you to be the best, most healthy baby in the world. Though we are completely new at parenting, please know that we will try our absolute best to raise you well. No matter what, we will always love you. Even when we mess up or you mess up, you are very very loved.

See you soon,
Mommy

Your profile

Your little legs stretched out

Femininity

Tell me how to find the balance

Between the different sides of me:

The vulnerable that has such beauty,

The strong that I must be.

For if I cannot be full of strength,

Desperation becomes my path.

I must stay open, for if I don't,

My relationships cannot last.

Vulnerability of strength?

Which one defines femininity?

Perhaps the true test of womanhood

Is finding a balance I can achieve.

Update!

Yes, yes, I know. I'm a slacker. Its already been 3 months since I updated! Eek!

Okay, I suppose the first thing I should do is give an update on how my New Year's resolutions are coming along (yes, I'm still keeping them!)

1. Finish reading my Bible:
Still chugging along on this (though I did get really far behind when I was working on resolution # 6).

2. Live in love (or stop living in fear):
This is an ongoing challenge for me, and will continue to be. But I think I'm doing an okay job. I should add on to this to continue to work on loving myself. I've been awfully hard on myself and apologizing for everything. The best response to my unnecessary apologies is the one my boyfriend usually gives. It usually goes a little something like this:

Me: I'm sorry.
Him: (Shakes his head).
Me: What?
Him: We don't apologize when we have nothing to apologize for.

(Yes, this happened very recently....and happens frequently).

3. Plan trips.
I've started saving up (slowly, but surely) for a big trip. Like a South Africa big trip.

4. Take care of myself physically.
Yep, I can run over a mile now!! And I can touch my toes again. I'm continuing to work on the flexibility bit, but I'm getting there. And I've been keeping my hair (mostly) nice.

5. Repair and/or replace old junk.
Fixed my coat, bought new tennis shoes, got rid of super holey PJ pants, and got a laptop charger. Yep, I think this one is officially taken care of.

6. Be in at least one play.
I can't believe I haven't said one word on here about Chicago!!!! What is wrong with me?! Okay, let's just say that this one is also checked off my to do list. I'll blab more about it here in a moment.

7. Choreograph a full routine.
I'm about halfway through choreographing to Concrete Wall by Zee Avi. Maybe I'll get someone to video it for me when its done so you guys can see it!

Ooookay now that that's been updated, let me tell you what else I've been up to.

First off, as I mentioned before, I was in a play! Chicago the musical to be exact. To make a long story short, this was the most fun I've had doing a show.....EVER! Usually, when I get done with the show, I'm done. I don't want to see, hear, look at, or acknowledge it for a few months. With Chicago, I was actually sad it ended. Its been over a month since it ended now and I'm still singing the songs and doing the routines. That's how much fun I had.

Since then, I've moved in with my boyfriend in Boone. I gotta say...he's pretty dang awesome. Our first task together when I moved was to go buy a bookshelf. We are both such bookworms! Anyways, we spent the majority of a day putting the bookshelf together and going through just his books.

I apologize for the terrible quality of that picture, but that's our bookshelf. We actually have quite a few books on a smaller bookshelf. Its our "classics" bookshelf, including novels such as The Call of the Wild, Oliver Twist, Utopia, White Fang, and Fiddler on the Roof. Yeah, did I mention we're a little nerdy?

Well, that is all for my update today. I hope everyone is doing well and is happy out there!

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If I were to even begin telling you exactly how I feel
You would first have to know exactly where I’m coming from
All my little tragedies
My heartbreaks
My insecurities
All my great successes
My adventures
My passions
You would have to understand that I never feel only one way
Too often there are two warring sides
I’m happy, yet I’m petrified
I’ll let you in, but I’ll keep you out
I want support, but I’ll do it on my own,
thank you very much
I’ll tell you everything, yet not have said enough
My heart will swell with the knowledge that you love me,
Yet be breaking with the possibility that you could leave
I’ll force myself to trust you when that’s the hardest thing to do
I’ll give you all of me, then hide myself away
You need to know that I have depths to how I feel
And how I think
I’ll love you as a friend, as a lover, as a partner
How I feel about you cannot be contained in three words
What I want with you cannot be easily communicated
My reservations hold me back while my spirit drives me forward
You first need to understand me
Before you will understand this in its entirety

People and Their Pets

As many of you know, I work at Petsmart. I've only worked there for about 2 months now, but I've noticed one thing in particular as I've watched people come and go: people love their pets. They buy them decent food, give them shelter and fresh water, replace their toys, buy clothes for them, groom them, teach them manners, discipline them...the list goes on and on. All the time, I hear people mutter how they never leave without spending at least $100 on their babies.

And it got me thinking.

What if people treated everyone around them in this fashion? How different would this world be if we loved as we are called to love? I'm not talking about the superficial "I love you so I'm just going to let you get away with everything" love either. I'm talking about something deeper and more real than that. The kind of love where you can correct behavior, disagree, and grow through.

Matthew 22:38 says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Its talking about this kind of love. Sure, there are going to be people that we dislike; instead of seeking to change them, seek to love them enough to want what is best for them. And if they will love themselves, they will want what is best for them and want to change. Keep loving on them and support them through those changes.

A fair forewarning, though: this kind of love towards everyone you meet can, and most likely will, lead to some frustration. You want what's best for those around you, why can't they want it for themselves?! Just remember, the world looks different through every set of eyes. My world through my eyes looks much different from my world through your eyes. Try to look through a different perspective every once in a while. It just might change your life.

Happy 2014!

I made it through 2013 without either going completely insane or dying! Yeah! Lately, anytime someone wishes me a better year than 2013, I can't help but think how easy that will be. If I have a worse year, someone ought to just put me out of my misery. But anyways.

I don't normally make new year resolutions. No one ever keeps them and they always have to do with losing weight or getting in shape and after a week to a month of trying to do this, people lose interest.

However, since I recently underwent a major life change (and because 2013 was so bad without having any goals), I've made some goals for myself. Some of my goals are long-term while others are short-term. And, by the end of 2014, I'm not going to judge how good or bad the year was with how many of these I've accomplished. That's not what these goals are for. These are just to get me started in direction I want to go with my life (and that boils down to living a love and joy-filled life).

1. Finish reading my Bible.
I've resumed my reading plan (finally) and, as long as I read what I'm scheduled to every day, I'll end May 23. It'll be the first time in my life I've read the entire thing.

2. Live in love (or stop living in fear).
"Perfect love casts out all fear" is in 1 John. So many of my decisions have been based on fear. I'm afraid of pain, of rejection, of disappointment. And so I've been stressed. I get stressed any time I need to bring up a topic of, say, I can't work this day, or saying "No, I can't do that right now." So I'm going to make an ongoing effort to not be afraid. After all, if I'm afraid I won't accomplish these resolutions, I might as well give up now.

3. Plan trips.
And do one of two things: take them, or start saving money to take them. Some trips will be short day trips or weekend trips, and those won't take as much time or money, so those I will start doing as soon as I'm able. Others, though, are ones that will require much more planning and saving - like going to South Africa.

4. Take care of myself physically.
This includes much more than just "eat better" and "get in shape." Some specific ones for me are:
- Run a mile.
- Put my hands flat on the floor while my feet are together and my knees are straight.
- Improve flexibility in my entire body.
- Choose to drink water.
- Cook for myself.
- Keep my hair cut to look nice.

5. Repair and/or replace old junk.
For example, most of my shoes need replacing because they are so full of holes and so old they don't fit my feet right. Many of my clothes need holes sewed up, or just need replacing. My laptop needs a charger.

6. Be in at least one play.
I'm trying for Chicago when Piedmont Players has auditions in February. I love Chicago. But, more importantly, I love acting. I went to school for it. And I haven't acted in two or two and a half years. What better way to get back in acting shape than to just go for it, right?

7. Choreograph a full routine.
Dance is my first love. I haven't choreographed something I've been proud of in over a year and a half. Again, what better way to get back into the dance world than to just go for it?

So there they are. There are fuller explanations to some of these that I can't seem to put into words. I'm coming to the conclusion that, sometimes, its okay to not be able to explain something in words. That's where art comes in (at least for people like me). It takes the raw emotion and finds a way to display it.

One last thought. I'm beginning to find that, in a journey to "find myself," it doesn't look like a "finding" process at all. It looks, and feels, like a journey of becoming the woman I want to be.