Its Christmas

Hooray for Christmas...even though this blog isn't really about Christmas (I know: surprise, surprise, right?). I'm home for Christmas, which, while I love my family, its easy to get stressed about all kinds of issues.

Well, yesterday, I decided for funsies to use my dad's blood pressure reader. My bottom number was in the 80's twice yesterday, which is rather high. Great, right? That's the 3rd or 4th time my bottom number has been above where it needs to be. My dad explained to me that that means my heart isn't relaxing back like it should, which means my arteries or whatever are constricted. Causes you may ask? Stress, caffeine, they told me (I stuck my tongue out when he said I should probably cut out caffeine), and alcohol. Smoking (which they don't know I do - I don't do it very often), and birth control (I did a little research). Fun times, right?

So, step number 1 - stop smoking. Should be easy enough. Its how I had started calming myself down, which means I need to find a healthier technique for that.

Step number 2 - drink less. Apparently, women should have no more than 1 alcoholic drink a day. While I don't drink much, it wouldn't hurt to cut back even more.

Step number 3 - Start exercising again. I need to anyways for multiple reasons, but still. The thing about this is I have no idea how much is enough and how much is too much.

In hindsight, those steps aren't necessarily in order. So the rest probably won't be either.

Step 4 - try to cut back caffeine. Now, I like it way too much to cut it out completely, but I'll cut it down to 1-2 drinks a day. That's better than I do at home.

Step 5 - Learn stress management!!!!! I already know that's a huge issue for me. I was in the shower this morning and I could feel my heart rate and tenseness rising as I was thinking about things that stress me out.

At some point, I should also really learn to eat better. Less sodium and more fruits and veggies - that sorta thing.

I've discovered this website called helpguide.com and it has a lot, if not all, of these things on there.


Smoking
What it says that pertains to me:
"Managing unpleasant feelings such as stress, depression, loneliness, fear, and anxiety are some of the most common reasons why adults smoke. When you have a bad day, it can seem like your cigarettes are your only friend. Smoking can temporarily make feelings such as sadness, stress, anxiety, depression, and boredom evaporate into thin air. A much comfort as cigarettes provide, though, it's important to remember that there are healthier (and more effective) ways to keep unpleasant feelings in check. These may include exercising, meditating, using sensory relaxation strategies, and practicing simple breathing exercises."
Big ones for me? Stress and depression
Tips to deal:
"Stay active: Keep yourself distracted and occupied, go for walks.
Keep your hands/fingers busy
Keep your mind busy
Find an oral substitue
Drink lots of water: Flushing toxins from your body minimizes withdrawal symptoms and helps cravings pass faster."

Ok. Got it. Need to drink water, exercise, eat healthy snacks, and use a stress ball! And learn to cope with stress and depression.

Drinking
What it says that pertains to me:
"Common signs/symptoms of acohol abuse:
Repeatedly neglecting your responsibilities at home, work, or school because of your drinking.
...
Drinking as a way to relax or de-stress."
Again, there's a common theme. Stress.


Stress
"Stress warning signs/symptoms: The more you have, the closer you may be to stress overload.
Cognitive: memory problems, inability to concentrate, poor judgment, seeing only the negative, anxious or racing thoughts, constant worrying.
Emotional: moodiness, irritability or short temper, agitation, inability to relax, feeling overwhelmed, sense of loneliness and isolation, depression or general unhappiness.
Physical: aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea or dizziness, chest pain, rapid heartbeat, loss of sex drive, frequent colds.
Behavioral: eating more or less, sleeping too much or too little, isolating yourself from others, procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities, using acohol cigarettes or drugs to relax, nervous habits."
Ok so out of 26, I have 20. Time to figure out how to cope!
"Causes: major life changes, work (check), relationship difficulties, financial problems (check), being too busy (sometimes check), children and family (check), inability to accept uncertainty (check), pessimism, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism (check), lack of assertiveness (check)."

Relaxation techniques

1. Breathing meditation
- Sit comfortably with your back straight. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
- Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your stomach should rise. The hand on your chest should move very little.
- Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can while contracting your abdominal muscles. The hand on your stomach should move in as you exhale, but your other hand should move very little.
- Continue to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to inhale enough so that your lower abdomen rises and falls. Count slowly as you exhale.

2.  Progressive muscle relaxation
- Loosen your clothing, take off your shoes, and get comfortable.
- Take a few minutes to relax, breathing in and out in slow, deep breaths.
- When you're relaxed and ready to start, shift your attention to your fight foot. Take a moment to focus on the way it feels.
- Slowly tnse the muscles in your right foot, squeezing as tightly as you can. Hold for a count of 10.
- Relax your right foot. Focus on the tension flowing away and the way your foot feels as it becomes limp and loose.
- Stay in this relaxed state for a moment, breathing deeply and slowly.
- When you're ready shift your attention to your left foot. Follow the same sequence of muscle tension and release.
- Move slowly up through your body, contracting and relaxing the muscle groups as you go.
Sequence: right foot, left foot, right calf, left calf, right thigh, left thigh, hips and buttocks, stomach, chest, back. right arm and hand, left arm and hald, neck and shoulders, face.

3. Body scan meditation
- Lie on your back, legs uncrossed, arms relaxed at your sides, eyes open or closed. Focus on your breathing , allowing your stomach to rise as you inhale and fall as you exhale. Breathe deeply for about two minutes, until you start to feel comfortable and relaxed.
- Turn your focus to the toes of your right foot. Notice any sensations you feel while continuing to also focus on your breathing. Imagine each deep breath flowing to your toes. Remain focused on this area for one to two minutes.
- Move your focus to the sole of your right foot. Tune in to any sensations you feel in that part of your body and imagine each breath flowing from the sole of your foot. After one or two minutes, move your focus to your right ankle and repeat. Move to your calf, knee, thigh, hip, and then repeat the sequence for your left leg. From there, move up the torso, through the lower back and abdomen, the upper back and chest, and the shoulders. Pay close attention to any area of the body that causes you pain or discomfort.
- Move your focus to the fingers on your right hand and then move up to the wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, and shoulder. Repeat for your left arm. Then move through the neck and throat, and finally all the regions of your face, the back of the head, and the top of the head. Pay close attention to your jaw, chin, lips, tongue, nose, cheeks, eyes, forehead, temples and scalp. When you reach the very top of your head, let your breath reach out beyond your body and imagine yourself hovering above yourself.
- After completing the body scan, relax for a while in silence and stillness, noting how your body feels. Then open your eyes slowly. Take a moment to stretch, if necessary.

4. Mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness is the ability to remain aware of how you’re feeling right now, your “moment-to-moment” experience—both internal and external. Thinking about the past—blaming and judging yourself—or worrying about the future can often lead to a degree of stress that is overwhelming. But by staying calm and focused in the present moment, you can bring your nervous system back into balance. Mindfulness can be applied to activities such as walking, exercising, eating, or meditation.
Meditations that cultivate mindfulness have long been used to reduce overwhelming stress. Some of these meditations bring you into the present by focusing your attention on a single repetitive action, such as your breathing, a few repeated words, or flickering light from a candle. Other forms of mindfulness meditation encourage you to follow and then release internal thoughts or sensations.
Key points in mindfulness mediation are:
- A quiet environment. Choose a secluded place in your home, office, garden, place of worship, or in the great outdoors where you can relax without distractions or interruptions.
- A comfortable position. Get comfortable, but avoid lying down as this may lead to you falling asleep. Sit up with your spine straight, either in a chair or on the floor. You can also try a cross-legged or lotus position.
- A point of focus. This point can be internal – a feeling or imaginary scene – or something external - a flame or meaningful word or phrase that you repeat it throughout your session. You may meditate with eyes open or closed. Also choose to focus on an object in your surroundings to enhance your concentration, or alternately, you can close your eyes.
- An observant, noncritical attitude. Don’t worry about distracting thoughts that go through your mind or about how well you’re doing. If thoughts intrude during your relaxation session, don’t fight them. Instead, gently turn your attention back to your point of focus.

I didn't like 5, so I'm skipping it.

Number 6: Yoga and tai chi

Yoga involves a series of both moving and stationary poses, combined with deep breathing. As well as reducing anxiety and stress, yoga can also improve flexibility, strength, balance, and stamina. Practiced regularly, it can also strengthen the relaxation response in your daily life. Since injuries can happen when yoga is practiced incorrectly, it’s best to learn by attending group classes, hiring a private teacher, or at least following video instructions.

What type of yoga is best for stress?
Although almost all yoga classes end in a relaxation pose, classes that emphasize slow, steady movement, deep breathing, and gentle stretching are best for stress relief.
-Satyananda is a traditional form of yoga. It features gentle poses, deep relaxation, and meditation, making it suitable for beginners as well as anyone primarily looking for stress reduction.
- Hatha yoga is also reasonably gentle way to relieve stress and is suitable for beginners. Alternately, look for labels like gentle, for stress relief, or for beginners when selecting a yoga class.
- Power yoga, with its intense poses and focus on fitness, is better suited to those looking for stimulation as well as relaxation.
If you’re unsure whether a specific yoga class is appropriate for stress relief, call the studio or ask the teacher.

Tai chi
If you’ve ever seen a group of people in the park slowly moving in synch, you’ve probably witnessed tai chi. Tai chi is a self-paced, non-competitive series of slow, flowing body movements. These movements emphasize concentration, relaxation, and the conscious circulation of vital energy throughout the body. Though tai chi has its roots in martial arts, today it is primarily practiced as a way of calming the mind, conditioning the body, and reducing stress. As in meditation, tai chi practitioners focus on their breathing and keeping their attention in the present moment.
Tai chi is a safe, low-impact option for people of all ages and levels of fitness, including older adults and those recovering from injuries. Like yoga, once you’ve learned the basics of tai chi or qi gong, you can practice alone or with others, tailoring your sessions as you see fit.

The popular relaxation techniques of yoga and tai chi benefit from training that helps ensure you are correctly performing the poses and movements.
Learn more: Tips on How to Practice Yoga and Tai Chi



That's about all for now. They don't have much about exercise or caffeine. Plenty about eating healthy. Topics I'll have to explore at a later time. For now, much set the table for Christmas lunch with my womderful mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and 1-year-old nephew.

Merry Christmas.

One semester left

Woo! I made it to the end of yet another semester! Just waiting on final grades. I'm mentally pooped. But now's when I start other adventures and start good habits that I'll hopefully keep through next semester. A grand total of 8 credit hours next semester - oh yeah. I'm  not gonna know what to do with myself. I actually now have time to take care of my relationships, take care of myself, and take care of my house.

I get to organize.
I get to watch movies.
I get to eat good food because I get to cook.
I get to read books for fun.

I get to sleep.
I get to work and actually make money.

Whew.

That's all I really have to say today.

Oh! And the girl at work who insulted me last week was fired (or at least that's what everyone's saying). Its not because of me. I actually don't know why she was fired. She probably cussed a manager out or something. But good riddance.

I know, I should work on being loving to everyone. Its a work in progress. And some people make it so hard.

Oh and I'm also going to try NuvaRing starting this week. I'm sincerely hoping it makes my hormones level out. And I'm hoping it doesn't make things weird.

And my mom is having surgery tomorrow. Keep her in your prayers. Its nothing super major and I know she'll be fine, but a little prayer never hurt.

And my dad gets back from a business trip in Canada at 1am on Wednesday morning. He hates it up there. Its too cold and there's too much snow, according to him. Actually, I'll share the email he sent me. Made me laugh at least:

"Okay,  I’ve just had way too much time on my hands today!!!  Good thing I’m coming home Tuesday….think I might be losing it.  Thoughts for the day……

·         If your all main sports involve ice, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If corn is a heating fuel because you burned all the trees, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If it snows more than 3 times in a week, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If you get lake effect snow, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If there’s a frigid wind blowing in off the lake more than 2 months out of the year, it’s definitely too cold where you live.

·         If your idea of a lot of snow is anything over 18”, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If the winter days are less than 9 hours long, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If they sell more snowmobiles than four-wheelers, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If all your friends have snowplows on their pickup trucks, it might be too cold where you live.

·         If the hardware stores sell more snowblowers than tillers, it might be too cold where you live.

If two or more of these apply to you, and you still live there on purpose….you have cold induced brain damage and there’s no hope for you.

This next little ditty is set to the tune of Men at Work’s “Land Down Under” from the 80’s:

Here I am in a land up yonder

Where the beer flows and men are fonder

Of curling and hockey, makes me wonder,

Does the cold air cause their brains to blunder.

I can't believe I'm writing this song

I've been away from home far too long

Way too bored, need somewhere to go

Before my mind goes insane ya know.

Stuck in a land up yonder,

Where the beer flows and men are fonder

Of curling and hockey, makes me wonder,

Does the cold air cause their brains to blunder.

I really miss the land of cotton

Away from home makes me feel rotten

Cant' find grits or real iced tea

There's too much snow and no shade trees

It's cold here in the frozen tundra
Where the beer flows and men are fonder
Of curling and hockey, way up yonder,
Their strange ways makes me wonder...

-          Dad "

Well, I'm hungry. So I'm going to get off here and go grocery shopping. I know, I know: grocery shopping with an empty stomach is a horrible idea. It makes you buy things you don't need. But, hey, I need food. I have basically none in the house. And I'm low on money this week, thanks to the stupid power bill. Oh well. I'm going to make the best of it.

Peace and love until next time.

Work and school and health troubles

Last night, I stayed up studying until 11 pm, then got up this morning at 4:30 am to finish studying. Studied 4:30 to 6:45 am, took a shower, went to work 8 am to 1 pm.

During my lovely (or not) shift, there was nothing done, the store was a mess, and this bitch decided to comment on my weight. Okay, first of all, yeah I've gained weight. I'm between 105-110 pounds. My parents say I look good. My boyfriend says I'm "voluptuous." Second of all, this girl and I don't get along. Period. Where I come from, its not okay to flirt with one's boyfriend in an overtly sexual manner. Third of all, I'm stressed the hell out already.

She comes up to me, stares at my stomach, and makes the remark "Putting on a few pounds?" What I wanted to say was, "Yeah. That comes from sitting down studying and actually getting an education. I have someone who appreciates the way I look and I get laid by the same man on a regular basis. Unlike you, who has to walk around like a skanky ass slut wanting to fuck every dick she can find and probably not getting any because who knows what kinda shit you've caught." Instead, I just say, "Yeah, I probably have."

So I'm pissed off. And my manager has the nerve to ask me what's wrong. I don't want to talk to her. The only person I'm in need of talking to is my boyfriend. I really wanted to look at her and say "Its none of your damn business. And why would I tell you anyway? You're the tramp who's probably spreading the rumor that I'm pregnant." Instead, I just tell her that I need to talk to my boyfriend.

So I go and take a test, which I'd been studying for, and which I knew all the answers. First time this semester, so I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Go to the doctor for my wrist and to get my birth control changed. I weight 109. So, I'm already hurting from the nasty pregnancy rumors and the comments about my weight...now this?! I figure its gotta boil down to a) maybe I am pregnant, b) depression causes weight gain, c) my current birth control, or d) maybe I'm just getting older and my metabolism is finally slowing down.

So I'm tired. Its exam week, which means working my butt off. I can barely stand the people I work with for much longer. And I'm worried about my weight and my health. This sucks.

Thanksgiving

Well, as many of you possible readers (more than like no one reads this though) know, today is Thanksgiving. I'm home for Thanksgiving for a grand total of yesterday evening until sometime today. I didn't sleep worth crap. But since this is Thanksgiving, I'm gonna try to be positive.

What am I thankful for?
-food
-my car
-my trailer
-my job
-my parents
-how smoothly my trip has gone thus far
-my boyfriend (who is currently sick)
-the fact that this semester is almost over
-the fact that i'm almost done with school
-toothpaste and toothbrushes
-indoor plumbing

The list could potentially go on.

Well, I'm going to eat waffles now (my family does Thanksgiving breakfast instead of lunch/dinner and I love it).

And we wonder why...

I just need to rant.
Ever wonder why almost everyone in America is so miserable? Maybe its because we learn to talk, but never learn to honestly communicate.
For instance: would someone PLEASE tell me how to talk to a mother? They want you to be honest with them, but they criticize what you say. I know they want to protect you from making stupid decisions or whatever, and I understand and respect that, but for crying out loud. I've gotten to the point that I don't want to make decisions anymore because I feel like my mother will criticize it...no matter what I choose!
I'm seriously about to lose it. And when I do, I'm afraid I'll lose the relationship with my mother. I feel like I'm going to seriously bite her head off. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. But here's the thing: I'm 21. I graduate college in May. I pay my own bills. I buy my own groceries. I make decent grades (not to mention the fact that I'll be the FIRST person in my ENTIRE family to actually GRADUATE from COLLEGE!). I've been so afraid of losing a relationship with my mom that I'm scared to actually figure out who I am, which is what she has been pushing me to do.
Wait. I take that back. My dad has been encouraging me to figure out who I am before making any life decisions (like a career). My mom wants me to make a career out of what I've gone to school for, which is what she's paid money for. And they wonder why I'm depressed?!
I can't tell her that I plan to take at least a year off of doing theatre and just work. Because she says that she paid money for this education, so I need to make a career out of it. (Yes, she's said this.) I can't tell her about my relationship with my boyfriend (which will be for a year come Dec. 31) because she criticizes him and our relationship. Sorry mom, but I don't think Prince Charming exists in human form. And I'm pretty damn sure you and dad weren't the best of people when you started dating, nevertheless when you got married. Yeah, my boyfriend has some issues. So do I. Its not like we're getting hitched anytime super soon! Neither of us can exactly afford it.
And what do I do if I find something I believe that differs from my parents? Oh God forbid. That happened with my brother and they fought over it. Yeah, they still have a decent relationship. But I get the feeling that's because my brother's always been the "different independent one." I've always been the "never question anything" one.
I'm so beyond frustrated. What am I supposed to do?

Choosing a gym

I decided to start looking at fairly popular workout places for people who don't have a free access through school or apartment complexes, like the YMCA and The Rush. Why don't these websites have monetary sections? That's most likely going to be my biggest deciding factor for choosing a place to go is just how much it costs and if I can afford it. Oi.

Is exercising feasible?

Well, here I am again. In the crew room of McDonald's. I was working on my grocery list in the lobby, but my head was (and still is) pounding and there were screaming children. Those two don't mix well.

Lately, I've been thinking about exercising again. Research shows it releases endorphins, or happy hormones as I like to call them. My main concern is that I'll get stressed out with trying to find time to exercise. And that if I do, soon I'll be out of school, how will I exercise? I hate actual running since it hurts all my joints so much and I have to weight equipment at my house. So would I pay to exercise? If that's the case, it may stress me out more for the mere fact that I'm trying to pay for things on my own and its hard enough as it is. I'm hoping it gets better as I'll start being able to work more.

But how do I start back to exercising? I know they suggest doing things you like. Me, I like dancing and jump-roping and even doing the elipticals (especially if I have music). The elipticals is the one thing that can actually keep my interest for 30 minutes when I'm by myself.

Weight-lifting is a while other entity in and of itself. I have to be super careful or I'll make the bones in my joints come semi-out-of-place and rub up against each other, which is incredibly painful the next day when the whole area is inflamed.

I've thought about taking up pilates again. I really enjoy that, even though it kicks my butt. I've done it once with my boyfriend and that was really enjoyable, mainly because I was trying not to laugh at him the entire time. I've also been thinking about trying yoga as well. Its apparently really good for flexibility and balance and for the spinal alignment. Problem: they suggest finding a class to go to. That may not work too well for me since a lot of classes are when I'm working or at school.

So I guess I just have to figure things out. When I do, I'll let you know. It won't happen until at least December though. Need to finish this semester first.

Beginnings are always fun

So I've decided to start blogging. Part of the reason is because I tried keeping a journal and failed. Probably because it takes too long to write by hand and I have limited time.

I've hit the point in my life where I realize that I don't know where I personally stand on most issues in life. I know where I was raised to stand and what I'm supposed to believe, but I've started being very cynical towards that. Its time I start looking into issues that I don't know enough about to have an opinion (as most people can't stand when people have unfounded opinions). I want to be educated, but not exactly in the sense of "I'm about to graduate college, so I have an education," but in the sense that I want to know why I believe what I believe and make decisions based on that. If this results in a complete "way I live my life" makeover, so be it. That might be what I need to get rid of the overwhelming sense that I don't know anything (which is most likely contributing to my depression).

Yes, I have been diagnosed with depression. A little about myself now I guess. I'm graduating with distinction from UNCA in May. I work at McDonald's. I live in a trailer. I have a boyfriend. I want a dog. My family lives 2.5 hours away and I wish I could afford (money and time wise) to visit them all the freakin time. I dance and I do theatre. I don't really know which direction I want to go with my career yet. Ummm my favorite colors are blue and hot pink, but I'm really starting to lean towards bright red as another favorite. I know that's cheesy to put my favorite colors, but I'm out of things to say at the moment.

Until I have time to write again, I'm out.